THE WORKING WORLD

Some people with mental illness find it impossible to hold a job or even get a job. There are other people suffering with mental illness who are able to keep a steady job for many years, but it's not easy. I have kept my job for 19 years and even in recovery it's been a struggle.

While I was suffering with mental illness, I fought to get up out of bed to go to work. I felt the endless sadness gnawing at me and staying in bed, hiding from the world, seemed to be the easiest answer. While working, I fought to put a smile on my face and pretend I was fine when I was dying inside. I swallowed my tears when stress began to build. A few times my emotions got the best of me and I had to go home early, crying.

I cashed customers out and thought about the ways I could hurt myself or take my life. My insides ached with the pain of my emotions as the world around me drowned in darkness. I struggled to concentrate on my job, to make it through one hour, and to keep going throughout the day. Sometimes on my breaks I would sit in the restroom and silently cry.

Once I started working towards recovery, work became pleasant. I found putting on a smile easier, and the days no longer seemed as bleak. I struggled to get out of bed for another reason. I had to take sleeping medications and found it hard to wake up in the morning. It took (and takes) time for the medication to wear off, but I no longer wanted to hide from the world.

Even though I am in recovery, work is not simple. I concentrate better, I put on a smile without a lot of effort, and I find the days go by faster. There are still challenges. I worry constantly about doing my job well, I have dry heaves when I get stressed out and some days it is hard to smile. I can't work before 10:30 am because of my sleeping medication.

I worry that I'll make a big mistake and lose my job. My husband has to reassure me I will be fine. When it gets busy, I get on edge, my muscles tighten, and I fight not to get sick. When I do make a mistake, and a manager talks to me, I cry. I feel like a failure and it takes my husband the rest of the night to reassure me I am not a loser.

People ask why I don't collect social security disability and quit working. I tell them I love my customers and I'm too determined to give up. If I sat at home, I would go backwards into my illness. Working and facing the challenges of going to my job give me the strength to continue to bathe in the light.

FINDING LOVE WHILE REACHING RECOVERY

After several failed relationships, I gave up on true love. The last one was the hardest. He handled my mental illness badly and was abusive. When I had an emotional episode he physically held me down. He caused my illness to worsen. My other ex-boyfriends were not abusive, but also couldn't understand or deal with my illness. I gave up on love. I figured no man could ever cope with my illness or understand it. I believed I would spend my life alone.

When I broke up with my abusive ex, I gave up on men for three years. I lost faith in ever finding the right man. A friend from work began pressuring me to meet a man named Lou who was renting a room from her. I was still struggling with bouts of depression and finding peace with the abusive relationship I was last in, so I resisted.

My therapist was excited about the idea of me dating again. “Go on one date and if it doesn't work, then you'll never have to see him again,” she said. A friend also encouraged me to give him a try. So I told my friend at work I would meet Lou. My friend gave me his phone number and told me she would make us a dinner for our first date.

I talked to Lou on the phone for hours and he showed up to my work the day before our date. He had a long beard and I wasn't sure what I was getting myself into. I promised myself one date and that would be it. I went on that date and he had shaved the beard off. He was handsome. During our first date he promised me he would take care of me, treat me like a woman, and he would never turn his back on me. I was skeptical, but I agreed to a second date.

Before I knew it, we were seeing each other regularly. When we started to get serious, I decided to tell him about my mental illness. I was prepared for him to turn his back on me, but he didn't. He told me he would do what he needed to help me continue to reach recovery. So we started couple therapy. He dedicated himself to help me through whatever I had to face.

As we continued to become more serious, the bouts of depression began to disappear. One day I left work crying and I went to Lou's place. Lou held me for hours until I calmed down. It was then I knew Lou could handle my illness and I would never be alone again. Within six months Lou proposed and a year and half afterwards we were married. With Lou's help I reached recovery.

Almost eight years later, Lou continues to be at my side, pulling me out of rough times, reminding me to be positive and supporting me no matter what. Lou taught me I could be loved and understood despite my illness. Lou continues to keep his promises he made to me on our first date and he continues to help me dance within the light.

YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDS

It is often said we cannot choose our family and that is true, but we can choose our friends. During the process of recovery, I realized how important it is to decide which friends would be a positive influence on my life. Friends can make a big impact on your life. They can be encouraging, supportive and understanding. Some can be discouraging, self-centered and full of drama. It's important in the recovery process to surround yourself with positive people.

When I was ill, I made friends with a woman and her sister. The woman saw the bad side to everything. When she got a tummy ache, she thought she was coming down with a serious illness. When a car ran into a neighbor's yard, she said to me, “What if that car had gone through my house?” instead of thanking God it didn't hit her house. Her sister was very dependent on the woman and used her like a slave and also began taking advantage of me. When I started getting better, I realized the friendship I had with them was negative and I had to end it.

I had another friend who, when I took her places, she'd disappear on me. This friend would get upset with me for no reason. When she was mad at me, she'd leave mean messages on my answering machine. She couldn't keep a secret and passed around personal stuff I told her. She was very dramatic and got upset over the smallest things. On the road of recovery I realized this was another negative friendship. I ended it. I casually talk to her when I see her, but we no longer hang out.

I realized these types of friendships were dragging me down into the hole. I needed friendships that would lift me up into the light and help me stay in the light. My friend Cheryl talked me out of suicide several time and did not get off the phone with me until I was laughing. My friend, Kelly helped me find God and is very supportive.

I also learned that even positive friends have bad days. I also had to be a good friend. I had to learn to listen, to accept boundaries and be supportive. Friendships go two ways. My therapist told me if my friend was doing all the work of keeping our friendship going then it was unhealthy.

I'm happy to say I am now a good friend and I have many positive friends. My friends remind me when I'm being negative and tell me to focus on the good. It's my friends and positive husband that continue to help me bathe in the light of happiness.

SNAP OUT OF IT

“Snap out of it” is a phrase I have taken offense to and hated. When darkness, sadness and uncontrollable emotions overcome your mind and body you just can't “snap out of it.” If we could turn off our mental illness that easily, we would all be cured. We would not spend money on therapists, psychiatrists and medications.

When I was with one of my old boyfriends and I got depressed, he told me to “snap out of it.” I tried to explain to him it was not that easy. I told him that mental illness is a chemical imbalance and it takes a lot of work, therapy and medicine to find happiness. He just couldn't make sense out of it. In his mind, I should have been able to just shut it off, but I couldn't. I had no control over it. I continued to explain to him that I had an illness like cancer and you can't tell a cancer patient to snap out of it any more then you can tell a mentally ill person the same thing.

I had friends tell me to watch a funny movie and that would snap me out of it. I once again tried to explain that when you're in the hole of darkness, nothing seems enjoyable. Even the things that once made you happy seem hopeless and sad. Not even the funniest movie in the world could turn off mental illness.

Everyone gets down from time to time in his or her life. We're only human and we can't always be happy. When we get sad, we can do things to distract our minds from those things that bring us down, but mental illness is more than just a sad period in a person's life. When it's an ongoing condition that a person cannot break free of, then it is an illness.

Mental illness is an imbalance of chemicals called serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine. It can also be passed on through the family and bad environments can contribute to the illness. In simple words, it's not just a bad day that will go away.

Medication can balance the chemicals and therapy can help a person work through the rough times they face in their lives. It takes hard work to change behaviors and patterns of thinking brought on by the illness.

I got frustrated with people who seemed to think I had a magic wand to wave and make my illness go away. Then I realized that these people are only ignorant because they have not been properly educated on what mental illness is. It's our job as those who have fought the battle of this illness to tell the world about it.

I have learned to smile when someone tells me to “snap out of it.” I try to educate them about mental illness and tell them how hard I worked to reach the light.

WHAT'S BEHIND THE MASK

Sometimes people with mental illness put on a mask. We pretend to be happy when we're dying inside. We fear if we show our true feelings, no one would understand or we will be judged. So we smile when we feel like crying. We hide our pain deep within our souls.

When my ex-boyfriend kicked me out, I was hospitalized. A friend told everyone I worked with about my illness. People came up to me and said, “I never knew there was anything wrong. You always seemed happy.” I just smiled.

I kept my secret for almost a year. I hid my slow decline into darkness from everyone but a close friend and family. I feared what the outside world would think of me. Would my employer think I was incapable of doing my job? Would my co-workers think I was crazy and dangerous? Would people stop talking to me? Would the world think I was a nut case?

When it came out that I had a mental illness many people I worked with became my support system. Some people did judge me, but the ones who came to my side made taking off the mask worth it. So yes, I was in what the ignorant call the looney bin and yes, I'm what the narrow minded call crazy, but to the educated world I was in a hospital that treats illnesses of the mind and I have a mental illness.

Mental illness has a lot of stigma and this makes it hard for us to take off our masks and show the world we are ill. There are times we do need to put on our disguise and times we need to take it off. As a cashier, I have to put on a mask for customers. No one wants to go to a cashier who is sad and talking about suicide. I'm not afraid to tell my customers I have a mental illness, but if I were to act depressed, I would make it an unpleasant shopping trip for my customers.

Keeping your mask on at all times can leave you to fight your illness on your own. By taking it off you can find shoulders to lean on and helping hands. For a long while I hid my illness from my Mom. I pretended everything in my life was good. When I took off the mask, I found my Mom to be loving, supportive and willing to go to any extent to find me help.

When we hide our illness from everyone, we close ourselves off to the world. We find ourselves alone. When I took my mask off, help was waiting for me. I was no longer alone. I am now open with my illness. Now that my mask is off, I can reach out and touch others who also suffer and I can educate the ignorant. I can also be myself and with all the support I have I continue to bathe in the light.