The
Dark Hole
The
hole of depression is deep and endless. Darkness blankets the soul.
Climbing up the walls seems hopeless at least it did for me during my
senior year of high school and first year of college. I tried to pull
myself up, but I kept falling down. I grasped on to the vines of
life, family, friendships and college, but they became slippery and I
tumbled to the bottom.
At
night my thoughts raced. I wish I was dead. I'm an awful person.
Everyone's right, I'm stupid. I hate myself. I'm a good for nothing
piece of trash. In the morning
the thoughts continued. I struggled to get out of bed and stay awake
in class. I injured to release the pain of my emotions.
I became a victim of a abusive
friendship. She put me down and took advantage of my weakness. Yet I
held on to her tightly. I thought she could help me find away out of
the hole, but she only pushed me down further. I forgot what it was
like to dance in the light. I cried easily and began to plan my
death.
Being dead seemed better then
dwelling in a hole of despair, anguish and hopeless. If I was dead, I
would no longer be a burden to my family and friends. The torment of
my emotions would be gone. I swallowed a half bottle of pills and
became very sick. I became dizzy, nauseated and disorientated. I
lived with my Grandparents during my first year of college and I told
them I had the flu and spent a day or two in bed.
I couldn't tell my Grandparents
how bad I felt, I couldn't even tell my parents. I didn't even
understand what I was going through. When I read a pamphlet, I found
at college, on depression I then knew I was sick and there was away
out.
No matter how dark, or how far
you fall down the hole there is away out. With the help of therapy, a
support system and medication you can climb to the top. It took me
along time to find the light, but with determination I found it.
Through therapy I learned to
find positive things about my life. I started out small like noticing
the sun shinning, realizing I had family who loved me and being
grateful that I had a home. Then I learned to change my negative
thoughts like my life is hopeless into positive such as I have a
bright future a head of me. I used a journal to write positive stuff
about my life each day. This was a very difficult task, but I kept at
it. Medication helped make the process of changing my prospective
easier.
I fought and pushed on against
all odds to dance in the light of happiness. There were set backs,
but I didn't give up and I reached the top.
Aimee,
ReplyDeleteI love your ending! "I fought and pushed on against all odds to dance in the light of happiness." I cannot imagine what a difficult journey you've been traveling but I'm so glad that you are now able to dance in the light of happiness!! I know the words we speak influence how we feel and look at ourselves. That notebook you wrote with the positive stuff about your life was a great idea! My brother has suffered through bouts of depression at various times in his life. So difficult but with medication and loving family and real friends, you are right. There is a way out.
Thank you, Amy for your wonderful compliments. Finding the light is possible and I want to make sure everyone knows that.
Deletevery well written, Aimee! keep up this good work!!
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post, Aimee! I love the beautiful beginning, which leads readers to a place where they might see where you are coming from.
ReplyDeleteI also strongly agree with your message of positivity. On my blog, today, I also talked about survival and positively. Your message is something that needs to be said over and over again. Now people can read it over and over again.
I am very proud of you and I love you like sister. Reading this blog post made me feel closer to you than I ever have before.
Keep at it. You're an amazing writer.
Aimee,
ReplyDeleteI cannot believe I didn't read this sooner. You are so passionate about writing and it shines through your work. You are such a positive person and with everything going on in the world, its great to hear a message like this. Keep up the great work and I look forward to your next post!