LACK OF SLEEP

Some people with mental illness sleep all day and night with no energy to get up, but for others, sleep seems impossible. I'm one of those people who could not sleep and to this day still can't without the help of medication. Nighttime is when my brain goes into over drive. All my fears, worries, and negative thoughts race through my mind at night.

 

I roll from side to side and try to clear my mind, but my thoughts are relentless. My muscles tense and my stomach bounces like a basketball.

 

In my college years, I worried about classes, my grades, about holding on to a friendship that at the time I couldn't see was bad for me, and whether or not my car would make it to the college. I feared getting a bad grade, failing a test, being alone, losing a friendship, and facing another day.

 

Will I be able to pass my classes? Can I make it through another day? Will my friend leave me? Will I be all alone? Is this sadness going to ever end? Am I a loser like everyone said in high school?

 

Now in my adult days my worries are much different. Will we be able to pay our bills? Will we go broke? What if I make a mistake at work and get fired? Am I a good wife? What bills do we have to pay this week? Will our checks be big enough to cover our bills and still have money for groceries and gas? Can I make it through work without too much foot pain? Am I a good cashier?

 

Then there's the fear that etches its boney fingers into my soul. I'm not a good wife. I'm going to make a mistake and get fired. We are going to go broke and lose our home.

 

I roll from side to side as my mind races. I sit up in bed and lay back down. I try to clear my mind. What can I think about that is positive? I try to picture my husband and me on an exotic vacation, but the thoughts intrude. I look at the clock--2:00 am. No matter how hard I try, sleep will not come.

 

I told my psychiatrist about my inability to sleep at night, and he put me on an anxiety medication that relaxes me so much that I drift off. I also use a relaxation tape to help calm my nerves. The one down side to medication is I can't get up in the morning without being groggy. I prefer to be sleepy in the mornings over staying up all night.

 

Getting enough sleep is important to maintain my mental stability and if it takes medicine to achieve this, I'm willing to do it. In order to stay above the dark hole, I must be able to get plenty of rest at night. It's another dreaded pill, but it's worth it.