I NEED YOU

Dependency can be an illness called Dependent Disorder or a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder. I believe my dependency is part of my Borderline Disorder. It's a fear that you are incapable of taking care of yourself. Due to this fear, you become dependent on others such as parents, spouse and friends.

While I lived at home with my parents, I depended on them for my meals, to make sure I took my medication, to take care of my needs and to make sure I took care of myself when I was sick. I tried moving out on my own several times. I got apartments with friends, but each time I ended up back home. I couldn't depend on these friends to take care of me and our friendships were unhealthy. I made poor choices. I didn't eat right, I went to work sick and I got depressed.

When I moved in with my ex-boyfriend, he took control of my life. I thought I needed him to control me, but I emotionally was losing control. As he told me how to spend my money, what pan to cook with and how to take care of myself, my illness deepened. When my illness became more then he could handle, he kicked me out and once again I moved back home.

I feared and fear I cannot take care of myself on my own. I hate the idea of being alone. So I lived with my parents until I got married. While living with my parents,I applied for special housing through programs based on income, and when they called to show me apartments, I made excuses not to go. My parents agreed that I should stay home until they were sure I could take care of myself better. My fear of being alone led to my inability to handle my own needs properly.

I thought I would live the rest of my life at home until I met Lou. When Lou and I married, I became dependent on him and he enjoys attending to my needs. He reminds me to take my medication, he takes care of me when I'm sick, he makes sure I eat, he helps me make important and simple decisions, he doesn't leave me alone until I go to the doctor when I need to, he helps me remember my work schedule, he texts me in the morning to make sure I get up and he has me call him to make sure I get to work safely. He pays special attention to me and I fear if he was gone I could not survive.

If Lou passed on who would take care of me? Would I die alone? Would my sisters, brother, nieces and nephews take care of me or would I be a burden?

While Lou seems to take care of me more than I do him, I am learning to take care of him. In therapy, I'm learning to fight my fear and become more independent. My future is unknown, but as long as I fight my illness I can still dance within the light.