WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

We all have fears, and sometimes those fears are overwhelming. Sometimes fears become debilitating and, at times, turn into phobias. Fears can hold us back from living normal lives or trying things that are new to us. Sometimes our fears can stand in the way of our own happiness. When we suffer with mental illness, those fears can be magnified by our illness, create more sadness or stand in the way of our recovery.

I have a phobia of being held down or trapped beneath something. I use to panic when, as a kid, we piled on top of each other. I'd scream and cry, my chest would tighten and I'd struggle to get free. I always had to be on top of the dog pile. Some people have phobias of closed-in spaces, of spiders, of heights and so on. Phobias are a very serious type of fear.

In school, I developed a phobia of teachers, and that transferred into my adult years as a fear of anyone in authoritative positions. When I started working at a grocery store, anytime I had to talk to a manger, I had to struggle to force the words to part my lips. My hands trembled, my heart raced and I felt sick. I put up with other employees treating me unfairly because I was too scared to ask a manager for help. I couldn't even ask the personnel manager for a form for the dentist.

I felt helpless and useless. By not asking for help I allowed myself to become a victim. I fell deeper into my sadness and began to hate myself more. I worked hard while a fellow employee stood around talking. Managers seemed like monsters who would gobble me up. Just saying hi to them seemed impossible.

My biggest fear is being alone. I hung on to abusive relationships when I should have let go because I couldn't handle the idea of having no one. My husband and I chose not to have children, but I fear what will happen if my husband passes before me. We have no children for me to move in with or to help me out. Will my siblings want to bother with me? Will my nieces and nephews be there for me? Will I be put in a home with no visitors and no one who cares I'm alive?

This fear kept me in bad relationships and made it impossible for me to live by myself. I moved into apartments with the wrong people and ended up moving home. I lived at home with my parents even though I applied for programs to get apartments based on my income. I became dependent on my parents and feared what would happen to me in the future if my parents passed on and if I never found my true love.

In therapy, I learned to stand up to my fears and take control of them. I learned that managers are not evil monsters. Even though I still get nervous around managers, I now turn to them when I need help. I'm still working on facing my fear of being alone. I try not to look at the future. I thank God for what I do have and I reassure myself the Lord will never leave me by myself. Learning to stand up to my fears helps me dance within the light.