THE JOY OF LIVING

Once you have reached recovery, a light shines on you. You find a whole new perspective on life. You start finding joy in everything around you and even in the small stuff. The things in your life you couldn't enjoy while you were sick, you now embrace with delight. Suddenly, you know that if the darkness does come around, you are strong enough to rise above it.

Now that I am in recovery, I am looking at my life and myself differently. I am not cured of my mental illness, but I am stronger and in control it. I have found new meaning in my life. My life is no longer hopeless or worthless. I am happy with my husband, my home, and my job. I have a good life and a bright future. A future filled with dreams, goals, and love.

When I was sick, I saw no future for myself and no happiness. Life to me was an endless dark pit and I thought there was no way out, but there is a way out. It's a struggle, but it's worth fighting for. I now see that life is worth living and within it are happiness, beautiful memories, dreams to reach for and hope.

Now that I am in recovery I have found joy in just being alive. Each breath I take is a creation by a higher being that is beautiful. The sun shines brighter than I ever thought it could. The skies are bluer and my days no longer seem mundane. My soul is no longer empty. It's filled with purpose and happiness.

I am much more than I once thought I was. I'm not just a cashier; I'm a friend, a person who listens, a pair of arms to give a hug, a smile to cheer up a sad soul, and much more. I am now a friend who no longer needs extra support, but one who cares, who listens, who supports and gives advice. I am not just a dependent wife, but one who gives back, who takes care of my husband, and offers love and support. I am more than just a person who is struggling with an illness. I am a person who has risen above her illness and reaches out to inspire and support others.

The joy of living isn't just seeing the world around you differently, but also seeing yourself differently. It's taking the negativity of life and turning it into a rainbow of positivity. It's facing the bad days and rising above them. It's fighting those unwanted thoughts and taking control of them. It's falling down only to pull yourself back up. It's knowing I fought an awful illness and won. It's living life to the fullest and taking nothing for granted.

Reach for recovery and find your joy of living. Fighting for recovery has shown me life is worth living and my life is a precious gift from God. For me, each day within the light has a new meaning.

DO YOU LIKE YOURSELF?

An important part of recovery is learning to like yourself inside out. It's easy to find things wrong with yourself. We all have things about our bodies and personalities we would like to change, but while we are sick, we learn to hate ourselves. Our distorted view of the world is turned inward to ourselves. Sometimes others' opinions of us also help destroy our self-esteem. Often when we're sick we don't have the confidence to stand up to others' negativity towards us.

I learned to hate myself at a young age. My classmates and teachers put me down and I began to believe what they were saying was true. I saw myself as the stupid girl in class. Sadness began to fill me and my self-esteem dwindled. I wanted to be normal, but I felt like a worthless outcast. My mother tried to fill me up with confidence, but I couldn't see what she saw in me.

I was always a big-boned girl, who hated dresses and other girly things. My brother teased me like brothers do. He had a nickname for me with the word hog in it and he made pig noises at me. He had nicknames for my sisters too, but I took my nickname personally. It only confirmed my inner belief that I was fat and ugly. In high school teachers tried to help me to be more girly. I changed the way I dressed and it wasn't good enough. Their helpful hints only humiliated me and reinforced my inner dislike.

The more depressed I got, the more I hated everything about myself. I hated my hair, the way I talked, how I looked in my clothes, and how I walked. I picked at myself worse than my own classmates. My self-hate gave me little willpower to fight for myself or even to take care of myself properly.

Even as an adult, I couldn't find anything good about myself. Although I found enough confidence in myself to graduate from high school with honors and later graduate from college, I still thought I was a failure. I looked in the mirror and this over sized, hideous person looked back at me.

In therapy I had to learn to like myself. I had to make a list of ten things I liked about me. My therapist said I had to believe in the things I wrote down; I just couldn't ask others and write what they liked about me. It took me hours to find one thing to write down. I only had a few on my list when I returned to therapy, but my therapist told me to write those down on note cards and read them each day and add to them. I also had to work on changing my way of thinking.

As I started to think positively the brighter the light shined in my life. Slowly I began to see myself differently. In time I filled my list and added a few extra. When I met my husband, and he began treating me like a woman and telling me I was beautiful, this helped bolster my self-esteem. He is the first man who ever complimented me and made me feel special.

Learning to like myself helped me reach out of the darkness into the light. I now know I'm a beautiful and intelligent woman. I now stand in the light glowing with new confidence and self-esteem.

My mother was given an assignment in Sunday School on January 24 to write a poem or song about an experience she had that strengthened her faith in God. I was touched she choose to write a poem about her experience with my illness. Below is the poem my mother shared with her Sunday School class; she gave me permission to share with you. God strengthens faith not only in those who struggle with mental illness, but also in those who face it with you.

MY DEAREST DAUGHTER

BY Julie Eddy

Nights of tears

All I could do

Is hold your hand

God was beside you

He had other plans

After years of fighting

This awful disease

A battle almost won

Finally Victory

I see a smile

In place of a tear

Through your writings

He made you whole

Giving to others by way

Of word

I now see the glory

In God's plan