COMBATING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS

Negative thoughts tear through your mind and fill you with emotions that push you deeper into the black hole of depression. The bad emotions begin to suck the breath out of you and stab your soul. You struggle to fight them, but it seems hopeless. There is no end to the thoughts and emotions that ravage your mind and body. So what do you do?

Fighting your thoughts and emotions is like going to combat. Your mind has been thinking bad things for so long it doesn't know how to think otherwise. You have to stand up and fight it. You have to change the negative into positive.

Thoughts are connected to your emotions. I learned in therapy that the only way I could feel better emotionally was to change my thoughts and then my feelings would follow. The more negative things filled my mind, the worse I felt within.

When I started therapy while I was ill, I thought changing my thought pattern was impossible. What could I find good to think of? Then my therapist gave me a chart to fill out. Below is an example of a chart I had to fill out for each of my negative thoughts.

Date	Negative Thoughts	Emotions	Positive Thoughts	Emotions
Example 4/23 4/24	I can't do anything right. I'm a looser. My life is a hopeless wreck. I hate living.	Hopeless Sad	There are many things I can do well. I am a talented writer, I am a good cashier, and I am good at woodburning. I am a winner. Life is beautiful and being alive is wonderful. I have a lot to live for.	Hopeful Happy

Filling out the negative side of the chart was the easy part. Turning it into positives was the hard part. I was blinded by the darkness within me. I saw everything like the pages of a newspaper, in black and white. How could I see the color of positivity? How could I shine light within my mind? I spent hours trying to find a positive thought.

In order to get better, I had to declare war on my thought process. I had to force myself to find something good to think about. That was the only way I could control the emotions that kept eating at my soul. I made copies of the chart and each day I filled one out.

In time, positive thoughts came to me more easily. Once the thoughts became brighter, so did my emotions. Eventually, I no longer needed the chart. It's not that bad thoughts no longer cross my mind, but now I can fight them on my own. They do come to me less often and my emotions are brighter.

Fight your negative thoughts and emotions and find the light. Make copies of the chart. The book, Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy by David Burns M.D., has a variation of the chart. In that chart you link your thoughts to cognitive distortions. Find a chart that works best for you.

Since I went to combat with my negative thoughts and learned how to change them, I now stand in the light with joy.

Date	Negative thoughts	Emotions	Positive Thoughts	Emotions

ARE YOU STUCK IN THE “SHOULDS”?

There are many times in our lives we think we should have said or done something differently. We put unrealistic expectations on ourselves and often we feel regret. When the mind is lost in the depth of depression, we use “should” statements quite often, and this form of thinking creates a lot of bad feelings that push us down further into our hole.

“Should” thinking is a form of cognitive distortion and also includes “ought to” and “must.” I used this form of thinking many times when I was depressed, especially in college. When I got a low grade in one of my classes I thought to myself, “I should have gotten a higher grade. I must work harder.” This made me feel like a failure. I got angry at myself. I started pushing myself harder and I spent endless hours studying.

I told myself, “I can't do activities. I should only focus on my class work.” I didn't join clubs and I only made one friend who graduated way before me. I buried myself in college and classwork. After classes, I spent hours by myself in my room. This left me feeling lonely and stressed out. While in my room, the darkness within me consumed my body and soul. Negative thoughts ate at me, causing my inner pain to increase. I eased my pain by injuring.

When I had to take time off from college to take care of my illness, I fell into the should thinking. I thought to myself, “I should have been strong enough not to let my illness keep me from college. I ought to be smart enough to finish college.” I started feeling like I failed and that I was a looser. I shouldn't have needed to take a year off from college. I should have pushed on, no matter how bad I felt.

When it took me five years to finally graduate from a two year college, and I realized I was unable to go on to a four year college, my mind went on a should binge. I should have been able to finish college in 2 years. I ought TO be smart enough to go on to a four year college. My learning disability and mental illness shouldn't have gotten in my way of doing more with my life.

I couldn't stop the “should haves.” They over took my mind and thoughts, leading me to feel self-hate, hopelessness and worthlessness. Each time my feelings raced through my body and thoughts plagued my mind, I injured.

In therapy I learned by using the “should” statements, I was putting too much pressure on myself. I realized I was punishing myself for the things I thought I should have been able to do. By using the “should” statements I was putting high expectations on myself, and when I failed to meet up to them, I was only causing myself more sadness.

There are no “shoulds.” Everything happens for a reason. I learned to be happy with my accomplishments and to accept my limitations. Instead of I should have been smart enough to go to a four year college I now think, “Instead of going to a four year college I was smart enough to get a job and keep it for almost 21 years.”

By ridding myself of the cognitive distortion of “should” statements, I am able to stand within the light.

END OF A FRIENDSHIP

Friendships can come and go. Some friendships have spanned many years and will continue to thrive for many more. Some eventually fade after several years. Others survive for only a short time. When we lose a friend, we feel the heartache and move on with our lives. We make new friends and leave the old ones that did not work in the past. When you're suffering with mental illness, especially Borderline Personality Disorder, getting over a friendship ending can be dramatic.

When I was in elementary and high school I kept a list of each friend I lost. I held on to the memory of the friendship as if it were engraved in my mind and heart. I couldn't let go of the pain of losing each of the friendships. It felt like each of my past friends tore a hole in my heart.

In my adult years, a good friend became busy and could no longer continue our friendship, I felt my heart shred into pieces. I cried endlessly and left her notes begging her to take me back. I felt like my world ended. How could I continue on without my friend? She was my world. I needed her, I had to have her in my life, and I'd never be able to find anyone to replace her. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, and the dark hole seemed deeper than ever. My life seemed over.

I couldn't just let go of my friend. Every Christmas I'd send her a card and note telling her how I but I never received a reply. I drove by her home, I called her number, and when she answered I hung up. I was very attached to her, which was a symptom of my Borderline.

She wasn't the first friend I couldn't let go of. The end of any friendship to me was traumatic. I held on to my friends so tightly that I couldn't imagine ever letting go. I became very attached to my friends and I couldn't get over losing them. It meant a part of me died and a scar was burnt deep into my heart. I couldn't pick myself back up. I just fell deeper into my hole.

I felt as if the endings of my past friendships were holding me down in the darkness. Making new friends became harder and harder. I couldn't trust myself and I couldn't trust them. I pushed potential friends away because I feared I would feel that deep, endless pain again. I couldn't possibly risk being ripped apart again.

In therapy, I learned that friends come and go. The end of a friendship did not mean the end of my life. I had to burn my list of friends I lost and allow myself to let go and heal. I had to learn that losing friends was a part of life, and I could make new ones. When a friendship ended, I had to face the challenge of trying to focus on something else other than my loss. With practice it became easier.

I had to learn to not allow myself to become attached to my friends. I learned I could hold friends dear, but set my own boundaries to keep myself from becoming attached. I learned not to call everyday-it's okay if we don't talk all the time-to give them space and allow them to have boundaries also.

I realize there are many kinds of friendships and not all are good and not all are meant to last forever. Some come and go. Even though losing a friend hurts, I now know it is not the end of my life. I can pick myself up and go on with my life without falling into the hole. I'm now strong enough to go on after a friendship ends and this allows me to bathe within the light.