ARE YOU STUCK IN THE “SHOULDS”?

There are many times in our lives we think we should have said or done something differently. We put unrealistic expectations on ourselves and often we feel regret. When the mind is lost in the depth of depression, we use “should” statements quite often, and this form of thinking creates a lot of bad feelings that push us down further into our hole.

“Should” thinking is a form of cognitive distortion and also includes “ought to” and “must.” I used this form of thinking many times when I was depressed, especially in college. When I got a low grade in one of my classes I thought to myself, “I should have gotten a higher grade. I must work harder.” This made me feel like a failure. I got angry at myself. I started pushing myself harder and I spent endless hours studying.

I told myself, “I can't do activities. I should only focus on my class work.” I didn't join clubs and I only made one friend who graduated way before me. I buried myself in college and classwork. After classes, I spent hours by myself in my room. This left me feeling lonely and stressed out. While in my room, the darkness within me consumed my body and soul. Negative thoughts ate at me, causing my inner pain to increase. I eased my pain by injuring.

When I had to take time off from college to take care of my illness, I fell into the should thinking. I thought to myself, “I should have been strong enough not to let my illness keep me from college. I ought to be smart enough to finish college.” I started feeling like I failed and that I was a looser. I shouldn't have needed to take a year off from college. I should have pushed on, no matter how bad I felt.

When it took me five years to finally graduate from a two year college, and I realized I was unable to go on to a four year college, my mind went on a should binge. I should have been able to finish college in 2 years. I ought TO be smart enough to go on to a four year college. My learning disability and mental illness shouldn't have gotten in my way of doing more with my life.

I couldn't stop the “should haves.” They over took my mind and thoughts, leading me to feel self-hate, hopelessness and worthlessness. Each time my feelings raced through my body and thoughts plagued my mind, I injured.

In therapy I learned by using the “should” statements, I was putting too much pressure on myself. I realized I was punishing myself for the things I thought I should have been able to do. By using the “should” statements I was putting high expectations on myself, and when I failed to meet up to them, I was only causing myself more sadness.

There are no “shoulds.” Everything happens for a reason. I learned to be happy with my accomplishments and to accept my limitations. Instead of I should have been smart enough to go to a four year college I now think, “Instead of going to a four year college I was smart enough to get a job and keep it for almost 21 years.”

By ridding myself of the cognitive distortion of “should” statements, I am able to stand within the light.