DOES A SELF-INJURER LIKE PAIN?

A common misunderstanding is that self-injurers like pain. Yes, self-injures do inflict physical wounds upon themselves, but it is not because they enjoy pain. Remember, self-injury is like a high. Cutting stimulates pain killing hormones (endorphins), making the self-harmer feel like she or he is on a high. The person's emotions rise to a high, and for a brief moment he or she is free from the inner pain within him or her. The injurer becomes numb to all pain, physical and emotional.

When my ex-boyfriend packed my bags and told me I had to move out, I had a breakdown and to relieve my inner pain, I put my hand through a window. My hand had a big gash in it, but it did not hurt. The endorphins kicked in and I was free from all my pain. When my high wore off, I began to cry uncontrollably as my wound began to throb. I looked at my hand and suddenly realized what I had done and felt angry at myself for causing myself pain.

I was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room. The doctor announced I needed stitches. Once he found out my history of harming myself, he asked me, “Do I need to numb you while I stitch you up or do you enjoy pain?” I was angry. How could he think I enjoyed pain? Didn't he know how upset at myself I was for doing that to myself? Didn't he know what self-injury was? How could he think anyone would want to be stitched up without being numbed?

I choked, “I don't like pain. I need to be numbed.”

He numbed my hand and placed seven stitches along the side of my palm. I left feeling frustrated and angry. I thought that a doctor would at least know about self-injury and how to handle a patient who does it.

I never injured to feel physical pain. I hurt myself to feel relief from my inner pain. I injured to fly above my dark, miserable, and hopeless self to a place where I felt free or high. The high was short-lived and when I returned to my depressed mood, the pain screamed at me. It told me how stupid I was and it internally punished me. I injured for that rise in emotions, for those moments of relief from all pain. 

I injured because I didn't know any other way of relieving my inner agony. I am actually a wimp when it comes to pain. When I got a splinter in my foot and had to go to the emergency room to have it cut out, I cried like a baby and asked them to end the pain.

In therapy I learned healthy ways to relieve my inner pain. My therapist taught me coping techniques like journaling, sharing feelings with a friend, taking medication as prescribed, changing my thought patterns, keeping up with therapy appointments, finding hobbies to keep me busy and so on.

I learned that the brief high isn't worth the physical and emotional pain I felt afterwards. I found the new coping techniques my therapist taught me more effective. I can now handle my inner pain in healthy ways, and because of my new coping methods, I stand tall within the light.

You can find out more about endorphins and self-injury at the National Alliance on mental illness or Nami link on the side of my blog page.