Choosing To Have Children

Having children is a big decision for anyone, but especially hard if you're struggling with mental illness. I wanted children when I was younger. I always thought I would have at least two children. When I watched the movie The Divine secret of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and saw what the daughter of a mentally ill mother went through as a child, I began to question whether I could handle motherhood. Would my future children resent me because of the breakdowns and bouts of depression I would go through while trying to deal with the trials and tribulations of motherhood? Could I handle the stress of the pregnancy, of post postpartum depression and of being a parent?

 

I discussed it with my therapist and went over the positives and negatives of having a child. My negatives outweighted my positives. Even though I'm doing good, I still have mental illness and I don't want to risk falling back into the darkness.

 

I have a hard time handling stress and it can lead to anxiety attacks which make me sick. I worry excessively till I once again get sick. I can't deal with people who physically ill especially with the flu. When I have depression episodes, I find it hard to even do the dishes and I cry a lot. I'm not very good at taking care of myself without the help of my husband. I can't get up in the morning due to sleeping medication.

 

I realized postpartum depression would be extremely hard on me and could put me in a hospital. I also feared that the stresses of parenthood could lead me back into a serve depression. I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to put my child through my mental illness. I decided not to have children. I don't want to risk putting a child through the possibility of relapse of my illness.

 

I gave up my dream of having children. Luckily I found a man who is older than I am and doesn't care to have children. I am asked often, “When are you going to have children?” I reply, “I'm happy with having plenty of nieces and nephews I can give back and a dog I can love unconditionally.” The truth is I love my freedom. My husband and I can come and go whenever we want to. I love being everyone's favorite Aunt.

 

It's not an easy decision to not have children, but it was the best. Not all of us can handle motherhood. Having a mental illness can make it very hard. Some people can manage it and some can't. I'm one of those who could not handle it. I decided to embrace my life in the light. Choosing not to have children has allowed me to dance within the light.