FINDING HELP

I keep grasping at the vines of life. I pull myself up, but the vine breaks and I fall. Thoughts of giving up fill my mind. Will the light ever shine or will I lay on the bottom forever? Is there a way out of the hole. Will my life be filled with darkness forever?

I asked myself these questions over and over again. In college I believed I could never reach the light. I told no one of my inner anguish. The loneliness grew deep within me. The pain built up within me until I broke down and told my mother what was happening.

My mother was determined to find me help.

In therapy I was given a chart. One side had negative thoughts and the other had positive thoughts. I had to fill out the chart each time I had a negative thought. On one side I put I'm an worthless, piece of trash and on the other side I wrote I am a smart and wonderful person. Finding something good was a struggle especially since I spent most of my life believing I was no good and saw the bad side to everything. How could I change my thinking process?

A long with therapy I was put on antidepressants. Finding the medication that worked for me was not easy. One made me tired and another caused my depression to worsen. Despite the effects, I kept trying new ones until one finally gave me relief.

Talking to a therapist took time. I had to learn to trust my therapist with my deepest secrets. I needed to tell them what was happening within me. The stuff I told no one. At first I hardly talked. After several visits I finally let all out and I suddenly felt as if a burden was lifted from my soul.

When I took a year off from school, I started a job at a grocery store. I made new friends and my life turned around. I was suddenly given a second chance. I started staying out late with friends, sleeping over at my friends home and living the life I didn't have when I was in high school. With the help of therapy, I developed a new view of my life and myself. I finally reached the light and I danced in it.

The light may not always shine. You may fall again, you may have bouts of depression and thinking positive could become a struggle at times. I fell again, years later. I went a period of five years without therapy. When I did fall again I knew to get help once again. I remembered the light and fought again to find it. I reached it and I now live within it.