ONE CHOICE OR ANOTHER

Should I buy those shoes? What if they hurt my feet? Do I have enough money? Will I go broke buying them? I need new shoes, but what if I get the wrong ones? Maybe I should get a different pair. What happens if those are uncomfortable? Which ones should I get?

My chest tightens as my mind whirls with confusion. My throat throbs as if someone shoved their fist down it. Tears threaten to spill as I hold back a scream. I can't screw this up. I don't want to fail again. This simple determination becomes over whelming.

Decision making can be hard for anyone, but even harder when your mind is plagued with sadness and negativity. Making choices seems impossible. During college and in later years while the darkness filled me making choices consumed me. My mind raced as I went over what could happen if I made the wrong choice. I saw myself making a mistake I would regret. Buying shoes may have begun as a small determination, but within minutes it grew. It kept getting bigger and bigger as if it was life or death. One mistake and my world would end.

The wrong shoes could hurt my feet. If I wear them the store may not let me return them and I'd be stuck with them. Then I would have wasted my money on something I couldn't use. I'd once again screw everything up. I can't do anything right, not even buy shoes. I'm worthless. I have to make the right choice. If I don't I won't be able to sleep and I won't be able to think straight. I wish someone else could decide for me.

My therapist gave me a list of cognitive distortions such as all—or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, mental filter and jumping to conclusions. I read magnification. Magnification is where you blow things out of portion. I realized I made my decision process bigger than it was because I feared I was a failure. I made buying shoes such a big deal because I didn't trust myself to do the right thing.

In therapy I learned to trust in my ability to do the right thing and to change my thinking. I also learned to believe that I could make choices without becoming a failure. At times I fall back into magnifying my decisions, but I remind myself I am capable of doing many things right and once in a while we are allowed to make mistakes. Making a mistake doesn't make me a failure, but only human.