A PRIVATE SPOT TO INJURE

Typically a person who self-injures does so in privacy, picking a spot where he or she feels safe from interruptions. This becomes like a sanctuary. It could be a bathroom, a bedroom, an office in the house, a sewing room or any place where the person can be alone. A self-injurer will spend a lot of time in the place choose to harm him or herself.

When I self-injured, I did it in my bedroom. When I lived with my grandparents, my room was upstairs and theirs was downstairs. They hardly ever went up there, so I knew I had all the privacy I needed. I told my grandparents I was spending endless hours studying in my room. I did study, but I also injured. I sat alone ripping at my flesh and feeling my soul free of pain for a little while. I even had a spot in my bedroom where I stored the tools I used to harm myself.

My room was my hideaway from the world. No one would bother me, and no one would see what I was doing. I was ashamed of my self-injuring and I was ashamed of myself. What would people think of me? What kind of person was I? But in my room I was free of shame and I had nothing to hide. Outside of my room I wore long-sleeved shirts and told no one what I was doing. Since I was in college, my grandparents never asked why I spent so much time in my bedroom.

Years later when I fell down into the hole again and I lived with my ex-boyfriend, I hurt myself late at night in the living room. My ex-boyfriend went to bed early so I had the living room to myself. My ex was a sound sleeper and I knew he would not wake up and see what I was doing. I'd stay up late at night hurting myself. The darkness surrounded me and the urges, desire, and need to free my inner pain took over my rational thinking.

After my ex-boyfriend threw me out, I moved back home with my parents. All my siblings had moved away from home, and once again I hid in my bedroom. I spent many hours alone in my room hurting myself. I made excuses to my parents as to why I spent so much time up there.

I learned in therapy that isolating myself was only giving me an excuse to injure. I needed to spend more time away from the place I felt safe and free to do such horrible things to my body. I had to walk away from my comfort zone and face the world around me. I learned that when I felt the need to escape from my inner pain, I needed to be around people and communicate with them. The more I shared with people how I felt and the more time I spent with friends and family, the easier the fight to stop injuring became.

Take a step towards your recovery and come out of your hideaway. When you get the urge to hurt yourself, go to a friend's house, or spend time with your family. If you feel as if you have no one to, go to then find somewhere public. Do what you can to stay away from the place you injure. Search for a therapist who has dealt with self-injury and he or she can help you walk towards the light of recovery.

The more time I spent away from the area where I hurt myself the stronger I became at fighting my need to injure. With determination, I overcame self-injuring and I now stand within the light.

IS IT POSSIBLE TO STOP SELF-INJURING?

Self-injuring is a method of coping with emotional pain. It becomes like an addiction. You feel as if you have to do it and there is no other way to handle what is going on within you. It fills your thoughts and you feel like you can't control the urge, the need, and desire to harm yourself. So how do you stop?

Self-injury is a private thing. Many hurt themselves when they are all by themselves and they go to extreme extents to hide their injuries. I cut myself on my arms or on my shoulders. I wore long-sleeved shirts to hide what I was doing to myself. I realized the first step I had to take to stop harming myself was to tell someone. I had to let my secret out. I turned to my Mom and a close friend.

Like with any type of mental illness, you need to have support partners. I realized the second thing I had to do to reach recovery was to find two or three support partners I could call when I felt like injuring myself. These people had to be willing to be available anytime I needed them and be willing to stay on the phone with me until I felt I was able to control my need to hurt myself. One of my good friends would talk on on the phone with me till late at night. Sometimes we talked for hours; when she got me laughing then she would let me go. My mom was also available whenever I needed her.

The third step I learned in my process to get better was to find other things to do instead of injuring. I learned to keep myself busy with crafts and hobbies. When the urge got the best of me I would hold an ice cube in my hand. The coldness of the ice simulated the feeling of harming myself. I found cross stitching and wood burning relaxing. Find ten things you can do when the urge comes upon you.

The fourth step I did was to get rid of all tools I used on myself. I threw away razor blades and I hid knives or anything that would tempt me. I turned to a electric shaver for shaving needs. If I couldn't see sharp instruments, or if they were where I could not look at them, I was less tempted. I had my mother hide the knives so I would not know where they were.

Next, I had to learn to challenge my negative thoughts and learn to stop them. Just like in my previous blog post, I had to change my negative thinking into positive such as “I am such an idiot for hurting myself,” to “I did what I thought was right to take care of myself.” I also learned I must stop myself from thinking about injuring. When it crossed my mind, I had to stop myself and then try to force myself to focus on something else. This I found was very hard to do, but I was determined to do it. I used my journal to write down other things I could think about.

Another step is to set a goal. A friend at work told me if I could go six months without injuring, she would have a dinner for me with my friends. It was a struggle, but I made it to those six months and had my dinner. Next, I set a goal for a year and after each year I went without injuring, I celebrated my triumph. By giving myself a goal, I had something to look forward to and work for.

These and many more techniques on how to reach recovery form self-injury can be found in the book called, The Scarred Soul: Understanding and Ending Self-inflicted Violence by Tracy Alderman, Ph.D.

 

By using these steps and with determination, I have gone fourteen years without injuring. You, too, can stop injuring, but you must be willing to fight and work hard to stop. The urges to hurt myself have faded into the back of my mind. Now that I have found healthier ways to cope with my illness, I stand proudly within the light.

COMBATING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS

Negative thoughts tear through your mind and fill you with emotions that push you deeper into the black hole of depression. The bad emotions begin to suck the breath out of you and stab your soul. You struggle to fight them, but it seems hopeless. There is no end to the thoughts and emotions that ravage your mind and body. So what do you do?

Fighting your thoughts and emotions is like going to combat. Your mind has been thinking bad things for so long it doesn't know how to think otherwise. You have to stand up and fight it. You have to change the negative into positive.

Thoughts are connected to your emotions. I learned in therapy that the only way I could feel better emotionally was to change my thoughts and then my feelings would follow. The more negative things filled my mind, the worse I felt within.

When I started therapy while I was ill, I thought changing my thought pattern was impossible. What could I find good to think of? Then my therapist gave me a chart to fill out. Below is an example of a chart I had to fill out for each of my negative thoughts.

Date	Negative Thoughts	Emotions	Positive Thoughts	Emotions
Example 4/23 4/24	I can't do anything right. I'm a looser. My life is a hopeless wreck. I hate living.	Hopeless Sad	There are many things I can do well. I am a talented writer, I am a good cashier, and I am good at woodburning. I am a winner. Life is beautiful and being alive is wonderful. I have a lot to live for.	Hopeful Happy

Filling out the negative side of the chart was the easy part. Turning it into positives was the hard part. I was blinded by the darkness within me. I saw everything like the pages of a newspaper, in black and white. How could I see the color of positivity? How could I shine light within my mind? I spent hours trying to find a positive thought.

In order to get better, I had to declare war on my thought process. I had to force myself to find something good to think about. That was the only way I could control the emotions that kept eating at my soul. I made copies of the chart and each day I filled one out.

In time, positive thoughts came to me more easily. Once the thoughts became brighter, so did my emotions. Eventually, I no longer needed the chart. It's not that bad thoughts no longer cross my mind, but now I can fight them on my own. They do come to me less often and my emotions are brighter.

Fight your negative thoughts and emotions and find the light. Make copies of the chart. The book, Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy by David Burns M.D., has a variation of the chart. In that chart you link your thoughts to cognitive distortions. Find a chart that works best for you.

Since I went to combat with my negative thoughts and learned how to change them, I now stand in the light with joy.

Date	Negative thoughts	Emotions	Positive Thoughts	Emotions

ARE YOU STUCK IN THE “SHOULDS”?

There are many times in our lives we think we should have said or done something differently. We put unrealistic expectations on ourselves and often we feel regret. When the mind is lost in the depth of depression, we use “should” statements quite often, and this form of thinking creates a lot of bad feelings that push us down further into our hole.

“Should” thinking is a form of cognitive distortion and also includes “ought to” and “must.” I used this form of thinking many times when I was depressed, especially in college. When I got a low grade in one of my classes I thought to myself, “I should have gotten a higher grade. I must work harder.” This made me feel like a failure. I got angry at myself. I started pushing myself harder and I spent endless hours studying.

I told myself, “I can't do activities. I should only focus on my class work.” I didn't join clubs and I only made one friend who graduated way before me. I buried myself in college and classwork. After classes, I spent hours by myself in my room. This left me feeling lonely and stressed out. While in my room, the darkness within me consumed my body and soul. Negative thoughts ate at me, causing my inner pain to increase. I eased my pain by injuring.

When I had to take time off from college to take care of my illness, I fell into the should thinking. I thought to myself, “I should have been strong enough not to let my illness keep me from college. I ought to be smart enough to finish college.” I started feeling like I failed and that I was a looser. I shouldn't have needed to take a year off from college. I should have pushed on, no matter how bad I felt.

When it took me five years to finally graduate from a two year college, and I realized I was unable to go on to a four year college, my mind went on a should binge. I should have been able to finish college in 2 years. I ought TO be smart enough to go on to a four year college. My learning disability and mental illness shouldn't have gotten in my way of doing more with my life.

I couldn't stop the “should haves.” They over took my mind and thoughts, leading me to feel self-hate, hopelessness and worthlessness. Each time my feelings raced through my body and thoughts plagued my mind, I injured.

In therapy I learned by using the “should” statements, I was putting too much pressure on myself. I realized I was punishing myself for the things I thought I should have been able to do. By using the “should” statements I was putting high expectations on myself, and when I failed to meet up to them, I was only causing myself more sadness.

There are no “shoulds.” Everything happens for a reason. I learned to be happy with my accomplishments and to accept my limitations. Instead of I should have been smart enough to go to a four year college I now think, “Instead of going to a four year college I was smart enough to get a job and keep it for almost 21 years.”

By ridding myself of the cognitive distortion of “should” statements, I am able to stand within the light.

END OF A FRIENDSHIP

Friendships can come and go. Some friendships have spanned many years and will continue to thrive for many more. Some eventually fade after several years. Others survive for only a short time. When we lose a friend, we feel the heartache and move on with our lives. We make new friends and leave the old ones that did not work in the past. When you're suffering with mental illness, especially Borderline Personality Disorder, getting over a friendship ending can be dramatic.

When I was in elementary and high school I kept a list of each friend I lost. I held on to the memory of the friendship as if it were engraved in my mind and heart. I couldn't let go of the pain of losing each of the friendships. It felt like each of my past friends tore a hole in my heart.

In my adult years, a good friend became busy and could no longer continue our friendship, I felt my heart shred into pieces. I cried endlessly and left her notes begging her to take me back. I felt like my world ended. How could I continue on without my friend? She was my world. I needed her, I had to have her in my life, and I'd never be able to find anyone to replace her. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, and the dark hole seemed deeper than ever. My life seemed over.

I couldn't just let go of my friend. Every Christmas I'd send her a card and note telling her how I but I never received a reply. I drove by her home, I called her number, and when she answered I hung up. I was very attached to her, which was a symptom of my Borderline.

She wasn't the first friend I couldn't let go of. The end of any friendship to me was traumatic. I held on to my friends so tightly that I couldn't imagine ever letting go. I became very attached to my friends and I couldn't get over losing them. It meant a part of me died and a scar was burnt deep into my heart. I couldn't pick myself back up. I just fell deeper into my hole.

I felt as if the endings of my past friendships were holding me down in the darkness. Making new friends became harder and harder. I couldn't trust myself and I couldn't trust them. I pushed potential friends away because I feared I would feel that deep, endless pain again. I couldn't possibly risk being ripped apart again.

In therapy, I learned that friends come and go. The end of a friendship did not mean the end of my life. I had to burn my list of friends I lost and allow myself to let go and heal. I had to learn that losing friends was a part of life, and I could make new ones. When a friendship ended, I had to face the challenge of trying to focus on something else other than my loss. With practice it became easier.

I had to learn to not allow myself to become attached to my friends. I learned I could hold friends dear, but set my own boundaries to keep myself from becoming attached. I learned not to call everyday-it's okay if we don't talk all the time-to give them space and allow them to have boundaries also.

I realize there are many kinds of friendships and not all are good and not all are meant to last forever. Some come and go. Even though losing a friend hurts, I now know it is not the end of my life. I can pick myself up and go on with my life without falling into the hole. I'm now strong enough to go on after a friendship ends and this allows me to bathe within the light.

THE CHALLENGES OF MAKING NEW FRIENDS

Making new friends can be hard for anyone. Finding the right person you can talk to, share secrets with, and trust isn't easy. This process is made more difficult when the mind is plagued with mental illness. Often people with mental illness become victims to bad relationships or reach out to people who are scared away by their illness. Those who are ill find it hard to trust, and they struggle with their own inner fears and anguish.

There is a lot of stigma about mental illness, which makes others afraid of people who suffer with it. While I was sick and even during recovery, I found it hard to tell new friends I have a mental illness. I feared they would turn away or judge me. If I were to tell them I had an illness of the mind, would they think I'm dangerous or faking?

When I was doing well for a while after college, I became friends with a woman I worked with. Our friendship went well until I became sick again. She turned away from me. She said she could not handle my illness. Other friends thought I was dangerous, some said I chose to be sad, and others thought I was crazy.

Then there was my own fear that some of the symptoms of my illness might drive my new friends away. What if I become too attached and overstep my boundaries? What if I can't be a good of friend to them as they are to me? What if I become afraid of them abandoning me and I push them away? How do I be a friend? What if I am too needy? What if they don't want to be around someone so sad? What if they hurt me? What if they get to know the real me and they hate me?

These questions swam within my mind. The strong emotions tore at my insides. I struggled with my fears while anguish squeezed and twisted my insides. I avoided making friends because my fear was stronger than I was. When I did make friends, I pushed them away to avoid getting hurt.

Even now while I'm in recovery I struggle with making new friends. Recently I made friends with a woman at work. She understands my illness because she had experiences with it herself, but I still fear I might scare her away. What if I text her too much? What if I overstep my boundaries and she turns away? What if she finds something about me she doesn't like? What if our friendship doesn't work out and I get hurt?

Making new friends is hard, but I learned in therapy to take it step by step. First, take time to get to know the person. Second, be honest about your illness and offer to educate him or her about your illness. If he or she is unwilling to learn, then the person is not the right friend for you. Third, learn your friend's boundaries and work on not overstepping them. Fourth, believe in yourself as a person and that you are worthy of making a good friendship and being a good friend. Fifth, stand up to your fears and learn to rise above them.

It's important to know that in order to be a good friend, you must take care of your illness and yourself first. You cannot have a healthy friendship if you're so caught up in your illness that the only problems you see are your own. The more you work on taking control of your illness, the stronger friend you will become.

Even though I struggle with fears of ruining my new friendship, I know deep inside I am capable of being a good friend. I know by taking my friendship step by step, reassuring myself I am worthy of a good friendship and facing my fears, I can have a healthy friendship and will continue to bathe within the light.

MAKING BAD CHOICES

Everyone makes bad choices at one point or another and does things we often regrets, but when you have mental illness, your judgment is clouded and you make many wrong decisions. Some people choose drugs and alcohol to help deal with their illness. Others pick the wrong friends or boyfriends or do crazy things that get them in trouble with the law. People who are ill become victims of those who take advantage of their illness and steer them in the wrong direction.

I made many bad choices when I was sick. I didn't turn to drugs and alcohol to get relief from my illness; instead I found relief in self-injury. Like alcohol and drugs, self-injury becomes an addiction. It gives you temporary relief from your inner pain and you can't stop. It becomes an illness that takes control of your thoughts, strength, and willpower. Like any other addiction, it takes therapy and determination to stop.

I also chose the wrong friends, and when I realized they were a mistake, I couldn't walk away. When I started working at a grocery store, I became friends with a girl who lived in a bad part of the city and had a boyfriend who did drugs. This friend stole my paycheck and lied about it, but I still hung around her.

My friend often asked to borrow my car and I let her. One time her boyfriend asked to use my car while I was at work and I agreed. He said he'd bring it back before my shift was over. He never brought the car back until the next day. I spent the night with my friend. Later the friend was fired for stealing from her cash drawer.

I made friends with another girl who was nice one moment and mean the next. She helped me set my sister up with a boy and then fooled around with the boy in the back seat of my car. I kicked them out of my car, but continued to be her friend. Years later, I decided to move in with her and her husband. She blamed me for everything, labeled her food, and turned on me when I least expected it. I moved out and went back home a wreck.

A bunch of us from work used to go bowling after work. When I decided to mix alcohol with antidepressants, I became angry and hit a girl I considered a friend. Afterwards I apologized endlessly, but our friendship was never the same.

I went from one bad friendship to the next. I couldn't see past my own inner pain to decipher what was a good or a bad relationship. Making the right choice seemed impossible.

In therapy I learned it's possible to make the right decisions. When I was ill, I couldn't see the consequences of self-injuring, but in therapy I saw that by injuring I was only dragging myself down further into my hole. The relief only led to hiding my injuries, lying, guilt, and self-hate. I learned it was I who could make the choice to stop injuring and I did. It was a struggle, but I did it.

I learned that I'm in control of my choices, and it is I who chose if they are good or bad. My therapist said to weigh the positive and negatives of the decision I was going to make. If the negatives outweighed the positive, I needed to walk away from that decision. She also said to listen to my heart and get others' opinions. I learned I needed to do what was best for me and avoid things and people who would cause me harm.

Now that I have learned how to make good choices, I am stronger than ever and I stand tall within the light.