THE FIRE

After becoming a part of an abusive relationship with a man, I was hospitalized. During my hospitalization, I was diagnosed with another illness: Borderline Personality Disorder. Suddenly my life made sense. I was able to put a name to the intense feelings that ripped so destructively throughout me: Feelings of fear, anger, anxiety and hopelessness tore at me. I learned that my maddening rages were emotional episodes.

 

Borderline is a fire burning at the insides of my soul. It starts out small and grows as my emotions becomes like gasoline fueling it into an inferno. I tear apart the people I love, I scream, and I throw things and cry like a child having a temper-tantrum. Once the fire dies down, I look at the ashes of my life, and I apologize as guilt fills my body. I tear at my flesh to release my inner pain.

 

When the fire is blazing I put down the people I love the most, I misinterpret what people say and the only problems I can see are my own. The fire can last a few minutes or an entire day.

 

I develop an attachment to my friends and put them up on a pedestal. I begin to expect too much and overstep my boundaries. When a friend proves to be untrustworthy and untrue, I hold on to her fearing abandonment. This has led me to abusive relationships that ended badly. I sometimes push friends away, fearing I will be hurt.

 

My dear friend, Cheryl, named my illness “The Bad Bug Guy” and she is right. It is evil and bad in every sense of the word. One minute I can be fine, the next I'm irritable and cannot be touched. Then suddenly I'm in an emotional episode.

 

Giving my illness a name helped me separate my sickness from the person I am. I learned Borderline did not define me as a person. I am a person just like anyone else afflicted with a sickness just like cancer.

 

With the help of my therapist and medication, I have taken control of my Borderline Personality Disorder. I sometimes struggle with symptoms of my illness, but I am able to handle them with the help of my husband, friends, and therapist. Mental illness never completely goes away, but I can stand tall knowing it does not control me, but I am now in control. Recovery is hard to reach, and it is a struggle, but it is possible.

 

I may miss a week or two of blogs due to surgery.