DON'T LEAVE ME

A symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder is a fear of abandonment. This fear drove away some of my friends and led me to many heartaches. Like I said in a previous blog, I became attached to my friends, but I also feared I would do something wrong to drive them away, or there was something about me that would make them want to leave me.

During my childhood, many of my friends turned their backs on me, and when I did make a friend, I held on to her tightly. When a friend canceled plans with me, I'd get upset. I'd wonder what I did wrong, if my friend was trying to find a reason not to spend time with me or was finding a way to put an end to our relationship. I got angry and sad. I blamed myself. I thought I was worthless and that I drove my friends away.

In my adult years I developed many good friendships, but the fear of them abandoning me plagued me. I got upset when they were late meeting me for a dinner; I cried when they canceled plans and I worried constantly I would drive them away. In order to protect myself from abandonment, I would push them away. I would ignore them at times; I would avoid their phone calls and keep secrets.

Even though I wanted to keep myself safe from being abandoned, I held onto my friends tightly. I couldn't imagine life without them. I couldn't stand the thought of being alone and of never seeing my friends again. When I turned from my friends, I'd find myself begging for forgiveness and asking them to never leave me.

This fear of being abandoned reached into my relationships with men. I repeatedly ask my husband to promise me he'll never leave me. He always tells me if he was going to leave he would have done it long time ago and that he loves me too much to walk away. When I have health problems and I get depressed, I wonder if I'm too much of a burden on my husband and he will not want me anymore. He reminds me there is nothing which could take him from me.

In therapy I learned that friendships come and go. If a friend leaves, it's not because I'm an awful person and it's not my fault. I also realized when friends cancel something or don't call, it's not my fault and other things may have come up. I no longer get mad when a friend changes or cancels plans. I still fear being abandoned, but I have learned how to handle those worries. I remind myself that friends come and go and I can make new ones. With the help of my therapist I can bathe in the sunlight of good relationships.