STANDING TALL

Even during recovery bad things happen. What's important is how you handle the problems that come about. How do you handle the event that happened? Do you stand tall or fall apart? Do you revert to your old ways or fight to stay well? It's all up to you. Life is unpredictable and it throws a lot of stuff in your way to challenge you and your ability to fight your illness.

Recently the manager of the department where I work called me in to her office. I felt my heart drop. I knew I was in trouble. What did I mess up on? How will I be punished? I walked to the office with my heart pounding in my ears like a bad song stuck in my head.

I sat in my manager's office while she told me about my mistake and announced my punishment. A year and a half ago, I made a similar mistake, and when the manager told me, I fell apart. I started crying and couldn't stop, but this time I stayed strong. A tear did not part from my eyes. I stood tall and said, “Well, at least I have my birthday off.”

After being told I had time off without pay, I went back to work. I talked to my customers and put a smile on. A year and a half ago, I barely made it through the rest of my shift. I fought tears and I could hardly speak.

I chose to stand tall and face my mistake and punishment with strength. This time I was not going to let my error rip me apart. I was sad and mad, but I wasn't going to let my illness take over my emotions. I can't say my illness didn't threaten me, but I decided to fight.

During my time off, sadness filled me, and my thoughts began to swim in my head: I should have never made such a mistake. I'm a bad cashier. We won't be able to pay our bills. We will be so far in debt we will not be able to get out. I decided I wasn't going to let those thoughts take over. I reminded myself I was only human and humans make mistakes. We'll find ways to pay our bills. I got a vacation from work. I could sleep in and stay up late.

I decided to keep myself busy while I was off so I didn't have time to think. I put laundry away, I took our dog for a walk, I made plans to spend the night at my parents and go yard saleing. I also did some writing. I turned to my friends for support. They gave me encouragement and comfort.

Your illness will always threaten to take over during rough times while in recovery, but it's up to you to stand up to it. You may never be cured of your mental illness, but as long as you continue to fight you can keep yourself in the light.

I could have fallen apart over my mistake, but instead I stood tall. I refused to fall back into my old ways. I stood up and fought my sadness. I made the best of my time off. Because I didn't let my mistake knock me down, I am still within the light.