A WINNER OR A FAILURE

When The mind is plagued with darkness thoughts become distorted. In college, when I got a lower than normal grade on a test my heart plummeted. I automatically thought I was a failure. When I got a good grade I felt like a winner. There was no in between.

When I received my low grade, tears threaten to spill and my chest tightened. “I'm a looser”, sang through my mind. “They were right about me in high school; I'm a retard. I don't belong in college.” The more my negative thoughts filled my mind the further down the whole I fell.

When I was unable to get the degree I wanted in college (due to my learning disability) and I became a cashier instead of going on to a four year college, I once again thought I was a failure. Even though I worked hard to prove myself in high school and then in college, I couldn't even get a communication degree. Instead of going on to a four year college, all I could do was work in a grocery store. I was sure I failed. I believed I proved everyone right; I was a retard who couldn't do anything right.

I learned in therapy that this type of thinking was

“all-or-nothing thinking.” The book Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns, M.D. describes it as seeing everything as black or white--shades of gray do not exist. In other words, I saw myself either as a winner or a failure. I couldn't see the other good things in my life; like I graduated from college, I had stories published, and I was working a job despite my illness.

My therapist taught me I didn't need a high paying job, or a degree in communications to be successful. I learned not everything goes the way I plan and that does not make me a failure, but human. I realized I didn't need to be perfect to still be a winner.

In life there are gray periods where we don't always come out on top. We are not always perfect. It took me a while to believe this.

I no longer have to prove myself, because I already have. No one in high school believed I'd even make it to college, let alone get a degree and I have a associate degree in Humanities. Someone once told me because I have a mental illness, I couldn't work and yet I have been working the same job for 19 years.

Sometimes I still fall into the all-or-nothing thinking, but I have a wonderful husband who reminds me I don't have to be perfect to be a winner. I now know there is a gray spot in our lives, but it is only a part of life.