IS THERE A REASON FOR YOUR SADNESS?

Recently, I told a friend's aunt that her nephew was depressed. The aunt asked, “What does he have to be depressed about?” I bit my tongue. I wanted to yell at her, but I kindly explained he has an illness. This simple comment shows that many people are uneducated about major depression and mental illness. Why? Because a person suffering with depression could have everything going for him or her and still be depressed. Sometimes the depressed person may not even know why he or she is sad.

Major depression is not the same thing as getting down because you lost a job, your dog died, your family member died, or you can't pay your mortgage. In these cases, you know why you're depressed and you will be able to pull yourself out of it. With major depression, you may think your whole life sucks, but actually you have a wonderful life. With major depression, you could start crying and not know why or you may wake up feeling down without a reason, and no matter what you do, the sadness won't go away. Major depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain altering your mood.

There have been times I started crying and my husband wrapped his arms around me and asked me what was wrong. All I could say was, “I'm depressed.” I couldn't tell him why because there was no logical reason for my sadness. I'm married to a loving and compassionate man, I have a good job, we own our own home, and I have many friends and a loving family. So what reason did I have to be depressed? I had none. I just had this deep darkness growing inside me and I couldn't explain it.

School was rough, but I grew up with very loving parents, wonderful grandparents, and a fun childhood. Still, a deep sadness lingered within me, a sadness I couldn't shake. The teasing in school and lack of friends deepened my sadness, but did not cause it. As a child, I didn't know what was wrong with me. I just knew I couldn't shake the dark cloud that lingered over me.

Even in the summer time when I was out of school and away from those that put me down, I was sad. I fought with my brother and cried often. Playing outside with my siblings and cousins didn't even brighten my spirits. When I was asked, “What do you have to be sad about?” I couldn't answer. I didn't even know why.

When I got older and started seeing a therapist, I was diagnosed with major depression. My therapist said the chemical imbalance in my brain was making me depressed. Events that happened in my life only added to my depression, but did not cause it. She told me medication will help balance those chemicals and therapy would help correct the bad thinking that I developed while depressed. She was right. With medication and therapy, I am in recovery.

When you talk to a friend who is depressed, don't ask him or her “What do you have to be depressed about?” Instead lend him or her a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and encouragement to get help.

You may not know why you're sad but you can with help reach for recovery. It's a struggle to become well again, but it is worth fighting for. With medication and therapy, I now live a happy life within the light.

HOLIDAY BLUES

Holiday blues can happen to anyone. The stress of paying bills, coming up with money for gifts, fixing big meals, dealing with family, or lack of family and so on can take a toll on a person. When you suffer from mental illness, the holidays can send you deeper into your hole. All the special things that make the holidays joyous only leave a person who is ill feeling empty and sad. The stress of the holidays can be so overwhelming for the person that he or she could shut down and avoid the holidays completely.

As a child I found myself more depressed around the holidays. I became sad, irritable, and withdrawn. I fought with my sisters and brother more and found myself crying easily. It didn't help that my classmates got me gag gifts for Christmas. I tried to remind myself what the purpose of the holidays was. Thanksgiving was to be thankful for the things I did have and Christmas was Jesus' birthday, but that wasn't enough to lift my spirits. I just could not find the joy of the holidays within my soul. No matter how hard I tried, all I could see was darkness.

When I got older and once again fell into the hole, the holidays became overwhelming and depressing. Having more responsibilities as an adult, such as paying bills, buying gifts and facing family, was to much too handle. Especially when my insides were twisted with over flowing emotions. I couldn't make simple decisions about my life, let alone decide on a gift.

The little things about the holidays, like watching my nieces and nephews opening gifts, couldn't even shine a light into my darkness. I tried to get in the spirit, but being unable to find even a glimpse of joy made me more depressed. How could I be thankful when my life was dark and sad? How could I praise Jesus' birth when God let me suffer so badly? No one seemed to understand why I couldn't be happy, and that made me feel as if I were all alone.

See, when you're suffering from mental illness, nothing seems the same. Things that once made you happy no longer shine light into your soul. Knowing you can't shake the darkness to just enjoy one special day only deepens your depression. You want to laugh and smile like everyone else, but no matter how hard you try you can't.

It took me a while to find the happiness within the holidays. First, I had to find the right medication to ease the symptoms of my illness. Then, I had to go to therapy and learn to change my way of thinking. Next, I had to fight to reach for recovery. Finally, I had to let God into my life and into the celebration of the holidays.

Now that I have reached recovery and found God, the holidays glow with magic. When I get down around the holidays, I remind myself God is with me and I have so much to be grateful for. Finding the joy within the holidays keeps me within the light.

Leave your ideas for another blog post and your experience in the comments. I would love to hear from you.

THROUGH THE EYES OF A TRUE FRIEND

While struggling with mental illness, it is good to have good friends for support partners. Friends can be there during the darkest points of your illness and there in recovery. I decided to ask my dearest friend, who saw me during my roughest times and best times of my illness, what it was like to be at my side and how she coped with my illness.

This friend is Cheryl Miller and she saved my life many times and continues to cheer me on while in recovery. I asked Cheryl, “What's it like dealing with a friend with a serious mental illness?”

Cheryl replied, “It can be scary when the friend with the mental illness is fully in an episode such as when I had to pull Aimee out of the street so she wouldn't get run over. But if the friend is in recovery, it can be quite rewarding because the friend finds joy in a lot of things she may not have when deep into her illness.”

I asked, “What suggestions do you have to help a friend in a crisis?”

Cheryl answered, “Help the friend take advantage of all the help available around her, including trusting friends and family. Also help her to distinguish herself from her illness, to give the illness its own little name. That way the friend won't feel so much like she is defined by or as their illness.”

My next question was, “How do you stay positive when your friend is so depressed?”

Cheryl answered, “I just try to be there for my friend to the best of my ability. Since I have always liked helping people, I stay positive in the fact that the friend will fight through the depths of her depression with my help.”

I asked Cheryl, “How do you keep your friend positive?”

Cheryl replied, “By doing my best to direct their attention to more positive things. And getting her to the point of laughter helps, too.”

I also asked, “What is the best thing you can do for your friend when you notice she is having problems?”

Cheryl answered, “Talk to her, be there for her, be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. If you aren't able to offer that, then help her find someone who can.”

Finally I asked Cheryl, “What's the best advice you can give to someone dealing with a friend who is ill?”

Cheryl replied, “ Just be there for her, let her know she is loved and that she matters. Have patience and just do your best to help her through the rough times. If you feel too overwhelmed, then find someone who can offer those things.”

Having a good friend like Cheryl helped make the dark hole a little easier to face. All though Cheryl and I lost contact for a while, we reconnected and our friendship remains strong. She is still at my side and continues to support me. Cheryl helps me stay within the light.

Leave any suggestions for a blog post in the comments and let me know about your experiences with your illness.

BE THANKFUL

Many times while we're depressed, we forget to be grateful for the things we do have in our life. We often think we have nothing good in our lives. We see the worst side of everything and we believe there isn't anything to be thankful for. How can we be thankful for the darkness that blankets our souls?

There is more to our lives than the illness that plagues our minds. We need to open our eyes and look at what we do have, and I don't mean just material things. God placed many people in our life to help us survive.

When I was depressed, I felt as if I was being tortured. How could I thank God for that? My mom often said I saw the glass half empty. I did. I saw the negative side to the world about me, and when Thanksgiving came around I felt more depressed. What did I have to be grateful for? I was sick with anxiety, I was depressed, my emotions were out of control, I couldn't sleep and my existence seemed hopeless.

What I couldn't see was I had a lot to be thankful for. I had and still have loving parents, wonderful grandparents, caring siblings, a home, friends, food to eat, and much more. Most importantly I had lots of love surrounding me.

My grandpa always said the richest people in the world are people who have family, friends, and love. It took me a while to let those words sink into my dark soul and see he was right. In the process of recovery, I had to learn to see the glass full. I became very grateful for just being alive. If I actually had taken my life, there is so much I would have missed out on, like my nieces and nephews, finding my true love, and finding happiness.

This Thanksgiving I am thankful I am still in recovery, I have a aunt and uncle and cousins on my husband's side who have opened there hearts to me, I have my parents, my grandma, a wonderful husband, my many nieces and nephews, my dog, my sibling, my happiness, friends, love and much more. With all I have, I believe I am one of the richest persons in the world. I might not have much money, but I'm rich in love.

So this Thanksgiving season stop looking at all the bad things you have in your life and look at the precious gifts God has given you. Write a list of the things you are thankful for. Tell the people around you how grateful you are for them. Remember, family isn't always the one you were born into. Family can be really good friends who love and support you.

This Thanksgiving and all year long, I thank God for all I have. Being thankful helps me remember what I could have missed out on if I had taken my life or never reached recovery. I thank everyone who supports me, who loves me, and who care for me. Being thankful helps me stand within the light.

TAKING CONTROL OF THE FIRE

When the fire of Borderline Personality sparks, many feelings and thoughts fill your mind and body. As the thoughts and emotions spill into the fire like gasoline, the fire grows and grows until it becomes out of control. Suddenly you're in an emotional episode. The fire is so powerful you feel paralyzed. You fear it will never stop.

Borderline Personality Disorder makes you feel emotions much more strongly than others do. If you let your emotions turn into an inferno, you have lost control. However, by taking steps, you can stop the fire before it burns everything within you and leaves ashes and destruction in its path.

In a Borderline support group I learned skills to help get through an episode.

First I needed to observe what is happening within me without trying to change or control it. I noticed the emotions building up and I noticed how they were igniting the fire. I was tempted to distort them, change them and control them, but I had to resist. I needed to just observe.

Then I learned to stop and take a step back from the intensity of my emotions. I would take deep breaths through my nose and release them out my mouth. I would try to focus on a picture or object that was calming to me. Listening to relaxing music or doing breathing exercises are helpful.

Next, I looked at my behavior. When the fire is burning I scream, cry, throw things, cuss and spit out angry words at the people I love the most. Then I looked at my emotions. Many times my emotions were out of control, they hurt, and at times they seem to control my actions. It is also important to look at your thoughts. During an episode my thoughts were negative, self-hating and angry. My thoughts also became very painful as if they were knives being stabbed into my soul over and over again.

Finally, I got some distance from my episode. I acknowledged that I have an illness, but I am not my illness. I found taking a walk calming. Journaling about my thoughts and emotions helped me release my them without igniting the fire further. Sometimes going out to dinner or to a movie helped me get away from the place where the emotions seemed to ignite. Being in a public place distracted me. Sitting home is where my emotions at times seemed the strongest.

Take control of the fire before it burns everything within you. Don't live within the aftermath of your illness. Find a therapist or support group that can teach you skills to cope with your illness. You can take control of your illness and live a happy life.

Learning these skills and many more has allowed me to stand up to my illness and take control. I no longer have emotional episodes, and because of the skills I have acquired, I live within the light.

I found these skills and many more in A Systems Approach To Treatment: Borderline Personality Disorder Skill Training Manual by Norman E. Bartels, M.P.A and Theresa D. Crotty, L.C.S.W.

 

Let me know about your experiences with mental illness by leaving a comment.

Next week there will not be a blog post because I will be out of town for the holidays. Please check back December 1 for a new blog post. Enjoy your Thanksgiving and be grateful for all God has given you.

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

We all have fears, and sometimes those fears are overwhelming. Sometimes fears become debilitating and, at times, turn into phobias. Fears can hold us back from living normal lives or trying things that are new to us. Sometimes our fears can stand in the way of our own happiness. When we suffer with mental illness, those fears can be magnified by our illness, create more sadness or stand in the way of our recovery.

I have a phobia of being held down or trapped beneath something. I use to panic when, as a kid, we piled on top of each other. I'd scream and cry, my chest would tighten and I'd struggle to get free. I always had to be on top of the dog pile. Some people have phobias of closed-in spaces, of spiders, of heights and so on. Phobias are a very serious type of fear.

In school, I developed a phobia of teachers, and that transferred into my adult years as a fear of anyone in authoritative positions. When I started working at a grocery store, anytime I had to talk to a manger, I had to struggle to force the words to part my lips. My hands trembled, my heart raced and I felt sick. I put up with other employees treating me unfairly because I was too scared to ask a manager for help. I couldn't even ask the personnel manager for a form for the dentist.

I felt helpless and useless. By not asking for help I allowed myself to become a victim. I fell deeper into my sadness and began to hate myself more. I worked hard while a fellow employee stood around talking. Managers seemed like monsters who would gobble me up. Just saying hi to them seemed impossible.

My biggest fear is being alone. I hung on to abusive relationships when I should have let go because I couldn't handle the idea of having no one. My husband and I chose not to have children, but I fear what will happen if my husband passes before me. We have no children for me to move in with or to help me out. Will my siblings want to bother with me? Will my nieces and nephews be there for me? Will I be put in a home with no visitors and no one who cares I'm alive?

This fear kept me in bad relationships and made it impossible for me to live by myself. I moved into apartments with the wrong people and ended up moving home. I lived at home with my parents even though I applied for programs to get apartments based on my income. I became dependent on my parents and feared what would happen to me in the future if my parents passed on and if I never found my true love.

In therapy, I learned to stand up to my fears and take control of them. I learned that managers are not evil monsters. Even though I still get nervous around managers, I now turn to them when I need help. I'm still working on facing my fear of being alone. I try not to look at the future. I thank God for what I do have and I reassure myself the Lord will never leave me by myself. Learning to stand up to my fears helps me dance within the light.

HEALING THROUGH WRITING

Many famous writers suffered with mental illness, such as Charles Dickens, Edgar Allen Poe, Virginia Woolf, T.S. Eliot and Earnest Hemingway. Hidden within many people who suffer with mental illness is the ability to write. You can use this ability to help you heal and reach recovery. Even if writing is not your strong point, you can still use writing as a process of healing by journaling or writing for yourself.

Writing about your struggles with mental illness and describing what you have gone through can release deep emotions. It can free your soul of pent up feelings and can help you rediscover yourself. The process of writing about my mental illness and the harassment I received in school released feelings I had been holding within me for many years. While I write I cry, I get angry, I grieve and then I let go of all those buried emotions.

I'm writing a memoir about the harassment I received in school and how I found love, comfort and acceptance at our family garage. Writing the scenes about the abuse at school has brought back many painful memories and is allowing me to find closure. I pour all of me into those memories, and in the process I open up forgotten pains. By opening up these emotions, I allow my past wounds to heal, buried emotions to be released and new strength to be found.

Writing my blog is not just to educate and to reach out to others who have mental illness, but it is also healing for me. It helps me deal with the struggles I have faced and I still face. I put all of me into each word of my blog. I spill out my heart and soul, and by doing that I find strength, release and most importantly, relief. My blog also reminds me of the things I need to do to stay within the light.

Our own writing can also show others how to help us heal. My blog posts educate my friends and they use my blog to help me when I am struggling with the symptoms of my illness. I tease my friends about using my blogs against me, but I am glad I have taught them how to be able to support me.

So, write to rediscover yourself, to release emotions, to heal past pains and to reach for the light. Even if you never share your writing with anyone else, it is still healing. If your struggling with your illness write to get your trapped feelings out and share them with someone who can assist you in finding help.

For those who write to share with the world, writing about your experiences also educates others and shows people with the same problems they are not alone. By putting my story into words I have found the light of recovery stronger and old wounds have healed and are still healing.