I CAN'T TURN OFF MY THOUGHTS

Have your thoughts ever raced through your mind like a herd of wild bulls, rushing at you all at once and ramming you with their evil horns? You fight them, you try to think of something else, you try to keep busy, but they keep racing through your mind turning your stomach in circles. You feel out of control and hopeless.

My husband asks me, “Why don't you believe me when I tell you everything will be okay?” The only answer I can give him is, “I can't turn off my mind.” It's not just the worrying that gets me; it's the gush of endless thoughts.

When bill time comes around, I start worrying if we'll be able to pay all our bills. Lou tells me not to worry, we are always fine. First the worries begin; then my thoughts start to race through my mind. They become out of control.

We will go bankrupt. I can't do anything right; I'll probably mess up our finances. We won't be able to afford to make it through the week. We'll lose everything. I'm a failure. I can't even do math without a calculator. Everyone in high school was right; I am worthless. We are going to end up homeless and broke because of me. The thoughts go on and on. My stomach twists into a tangled mess, my muscles tighten and I can't sleep. I also start dry heaving and sometimes I get sick.

No matter how hard I try, I can't stop the thoughts. They seem to be in control of me. I feel like I'm drowning within a mixture of thoughts and emotions. I clench my teeth in an attempt to hold in a scream of anguish. My emotions become so strong they hurt. I wish there was a switch in my head to shut my thoughts off. In my mind, the simplest situation turns to the worst thing in the world because of my endless thoughts.

After all is done, once I go through the checkbook, everything turns out fine. We make it through another week and all our bills get paid.

The racing thoughts also start up when I'm tired and stressed out. They hit me like a tidal wave at the worse moment possible.

In therapy I learned that the only way to take control of my thoughts is to fight them. I try to focus on positive things, I try picturing myself sitting on a beach or someplace relaxing and I try to keep busy by working on my memoir or doing house work. I work on changing my thoughts around and I reassure myself that Lou is right, and everything will be fine.

I still struggle with racing thoughts and sometimes they get the best of me, but I continue to fight them. The more I fight them, the less frequently my thoughts race and this helps me stay within the light.