DON'T LABEL YOURSELF

We all get mad at ourselves when we make mistake. We think to ourselves, “How dumb of me to do such a thing?” Then we let it go and forget about it, but if you're struggling with mental illness, you can't let it go. You turn your mistake into a label you place upon yourself. You think, “I screwed up. I'm a dumb idiot.” This kind of thinking is a cognitive distortion called labeling. You automatically think the worse of yourself for a simple human error.

During my struggles with mental illness, I fell into this type of thinking. In college if I failed a test, I thought of myself as a loser. Anything less than a passing grade meant that I was no good. This thinking pushed me deeper into my dark hole. It made me hate myself even more. I pushed myself to study harder, leaving little time for a social life. I became obsessed with my school work. I couldn't sleep, eat or think straight. I couldn't accept a failing grade as just a human error. I saw my bad grade as a definition of who I was.

When I couldn't pass calculus to graduate from college

or meet the requirements to get the degree I wanted, I called myself a worthless failure. I was able to take a test to prove I was learning disabled and the college waved calculus to allow me to graduate, but I had to settle for humanities degree instead of a communications degree. I couldn't get past the label that I was a failure. I still struggle with that label. I worked hard for my degree, yet I believe I failed. I tell everyone I have a communications degree, because I fear they, too, will think I'm a failure.

What I couldn't see and what I must continually remind myself is that I did not fail and I am not a failure. I worked hard around my disability and mental illness to graduate with an associate degree in humanities. My classmates and grade school teachers thought I would never go to college and yet I did and I graduated with good grades. By labeling myself, I clouded my own view of my success. I couldn't see I was and am successful.

 While struggling with depression, I couldn't allow myself to be human without placing a label on myself. If my drawer came up short at work, I thought I was too stupid to be a cashier. I couldn't see that I just made a mistake. I became my own enemy. I labeled myself just like the kids did when I was in school.

In therapy I learned to see my errors as me being human instead of labeling myself. Sometimes I still revert to labeling and I have to remind myself we all make mistake. Learning how to stop putting a label on myself and to stop myself when I do label myself keeps me dancing within the light.