ANGER'S WAR PATH

Anger is a dangerous emotion that can lead to disaster and can rip at your insides. It can boil within you like tar in the hot sun. Anger can not only hurt you, but also the people around you. It can grow out of control leaving your life in ruins. When you're suffering with mental illness, anger can become very intense and unbearable. It can push you down further into your dark pit, leaving you feeling more alone than ever.

When I was sick, my anger kept building within me. I was angry at myself for not controlling my emotions, I was angry at God for allowing me to suffer, I was mad at the world for going on while it seemed like I was standing still, and I was angry at everyone else for not understanding what I was suffering with.

During my childhood, my anger was directed at my siblings. I got into fights with my older sister, my younger sister, and even more with my brother. My brother's, brotherly teasing set me off into a fit. I'd hit him, and before we knew it, we were in a full blown fight. My anger turned into an emotional episode. I would scream, cry, throw things, and fall to my bed in a hopeless heap.

I took my anger out on the people I love the most. My mom tried to be supportive, but I'd say mean things and accuse her of not caring. She tried very hard to be patient with me, and I'm not sure how she did it. When I went off, I couldn't stop. My anger would spill out of me like lava burning everything in my path. I'd tell her she was a bad mother, she never listened to me, and I hated her. I couldn't just let go. I'd go on to tell her she was the reason I was so miserable. I never meant a word I said, but I couldn't stop the words from parting my lips.

The problem was I wasn't sure when I was just angry, or if I was in an emotional episode form my Borderline Personality Disorder. Sometimes it was both, or the anger led to an episode. The more I turned my anger inward, the more out of control I felt. I'd argue with my dad until we both hit our boiling points. I couldn't let go of the argument. I kept making him madder and madder until we both said things we shouldn't have.

In therapy, I learned to calmly talk out my feelings, to be slow to anger, to journal, to take deep breaths, to punch a pillow instead of throwing things, and other alternatives to release my anger without being destructive. I also had to figure out how to take control of my Borderline. I had to stop being mad at the world, the people I love, and God. I had to find peace with my illness.

Anger is an emotion that isn't meant to be held in until it takes control of you. It can be released in healthy ways. Learning how to handle your anger and to release it without causing harm to the people you love can help you climb out of your hole.

Now that I have learned how to control my anger, the light shines brighter and my relationships with my loved ones and God are stronger.