DO YOU BLOCK YOUR OWN JOY?

Sometimes we prevent our own joy by the way we think. We let our own interpretations of our lives and the things around us stand as a wall between sadness and happiness. We think things like, “How can I enjoy my job when people are so rude?” or “I can't enjoy my life because I'm too shy.” We find ways to block out the joy in our lives by hiding behind excuses for our lack of happiness. These excuses are called joy blockers.

Sometimes we do things to block our own joy such as blaming others, diminishing ourselves, complaining about the things around us, finding everything boring, finding ourselves virtuous if we deny ourselves what makes us happy and comparing yourself unfavorable to others.

I found the joy blocker I used often was diminishing myself. I couldn't find joy because I thought I was too ugly and a burden to men. How could I be happy if I was too ugly for any man to want to date or build a life with? Who would want me if I was too much to handle? I figured I'd spend my life alone. If I wasn't good enough for a man, then I believed I would never find happiness. After several failed relationships, my diminished view of myself increased.

I couldn't be happy if I was good for nothing. I spent my life listening to others say I was useless, and at times that became a belief of my own. I used it as an excuse to stay within the darkness. For years I figured my unhappiness was because I became nothing but a cashier. I was a nobody just like everyone thought I would be. I went to college and yet I had no skills or abilities to do anything but work in a grocery store. How could I ever be happy as a failure?

I also used the joy blocker called delayer. When I was in college, I believed I couldn't be happy until I got a communications degree and a good paying job. I concentrated on obtaining them and believed I could never find joy until I reached my goal. After I became an adult, I believed I would never be happy until I lived on my own and had a husband. I thought living at home with my parents was the cause of my sadness.

In therapy my therapist gave me a list of joy blockers and I was able to see that I was blocking the light from shining into my dark hole. I learned to look at the positive qualities about myself and change my negative thinking. I also learned to concentrate on the things I did have instead of dwelling on the things I didn't have. I found joy was all around me once I was willing to let it in.

By being happy with how I reach out to my customers, I realized I am successful. Being grateful for good friends led me on a blind date, which is how I met my husband. Knowing that I have a job, a home and my bills are paid brings me joy. By no longer looking at what I don't have and finding the positive within myself I am able to bathe in the light.

DON'T LABEL YOURSELF

We all get mad at ourselves when we make mistake. We think to ourselves, “How dumb of me to do such a thing?” Then we let it go and forget about it, but if you're struggling with mental illness, you can't let it go. You turn your mistake into a label you place upon yourself. You think, “I screwed up. I'm a dumb idiot.” This kind of thinking is a cognitive distortion called labeling. You automatically think the worse of yourself for a simple human error.

During my struggles with mental illness, I fell into this type of thinking. In college if I failed a test, I thought of myself as a loser. Anything less than a passing grade meant that I was no good. This thinking pushed me deeper into my dark hole. It made me hate myself even more. I pushed myself to study harder, leaving little time for a social life. I became obsessed with my school work. I couldn't sleep, eat or think straight. I couldn't accept a failing grade as just a human error. I saw my bad grade as a definition of who I was.

When I couldn't pass calculus to graduate from college

or meet the requirements to get the degree I wanted, I called myself a worthless failure. I was able to take a test to prove I was learning disabled and the college waved calculus to allow me to graduate, but I had to settle for humanities degree instead of a communications degree. I couldn't get past the label that I was a failure. I still struggle with that label. I worked hard for my degree, yet I believe I failed. I tell everyone I have a communications degree, because I fear they, too, will think I'm a failure.

What I couldn't see and what I must continually remind myself is that I did not fail and I am not a failure. I worked hard around my disability and mental illness to graduate with an associate degree in humanities. My classmates and grade school teachers thought I would never go to college and yet I did and I graduated with good grades. By labeling myself, I clouded my own view of my success. I couldn't see I was and am successful.

 While struggling with depression, I couldn't allow myself to be human without placing a label on myself. If my drawer came up short at work, I thought I was too stupid to be a cashier. I couldn't see that I just made a mistake. I became my own enemy. I labeled myself just like the kids did when I was in school.

In therapy I learned to see my errors as me being human instead of labeling myself. Sometimes I still revert to labeling and I have to remind myself we all make mistake. Learning how to stop putting a label on myself and to stop myself when I do label myself keeps me dancing within the light.

ARE YOU BEING ABUSED?

Abuse, verbal or physical, can happen to anyone. It could be peer abuse, boyfriend abuse, friend abuse, parental abuse or spousal abuse. Anyone is capable of being hurt by another person. What leads a person to harm another person is incomprehensible. We'll never understand it, but we can learn ways to protect ourselves from it and to escape it. Someone with mental illness can become prey to abusers. The mentally ill are often weak and unable to defend themselves.

When my uncle died my senior year of high school, a close friend saw it as an opportunity to hurt me. I was sick and desperate for friendship. I was willing to endure whatever it took to keep my friendship and avoid being left alone. My friend abused me verbally and in other ways. The longer the abuse went on, the sicker and blinder I became, but yet I could not let go. The only thing I could think about was how horrible I felt inside, and I believed my friend when she said our friendship was special.

When I started to have problems again, I fell in love with a man whom I thought I would marry. When I moved in with him, I fell deeper into my depression. He began controlling me. There was a certain frying pan I couldn't use because he said I would ruin it, he insisted on coming to my therapy appointments and doing most of the talking. He used my money to spend foolishly. He told me my cooking wasn't good enough. He said I was a failure because I didn't get the degree I wanted in college. He put me down continuously and he abused me in other ways. I was too sick to see what he was doing to me until he kicked me out and I was hospitalized.

I was also abused by my classmates in school when they put me down on a daily basis and by the teachers who also degraded me. During my illness I became the subject of many bad relationships. One friend stole money from me, while another one asked me to move in with her and her husband and then started finding fault with everything I did. The friendships ignited my illness and pushed me into the hole. I found myself too weak to fight back.

Because of my Borderline Personality Disorder I became attached to my abusers and I couldn't see what they were doing to me. I couldn't let go of them even when deep down I knew something was wrong. The tighter I held on, the darker my soul became. They ended my relationships when my illness became too much to handle.

In therapy I learned the signs of abuse and how to walk away. If you're being abused, find help, talk to someone you trust and don't be afraid to walk away. No one deserves to be abused. Remember verbal abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse. Call the national abuse hot line for domestic abuse 1-800-7233. If you're being abused by a friend or classmate, turn to someone you can trust.

I survived my abuse and have found a very loving husband. It is the love of my husband that has raised me above the abuse I underwent and allows me to soak within the light.

KEEPING THE MIND BUSY

When you have a lot of time to think, the mind wanders. When the mind wanders, it can come up with a lot of negativity, scenarios, worries and just plain old over thinking. We all have problems with a wandering mind, but when you're mentally ill, the wandering mind leads to deeper anxiety, stress and depression. The more a person is left to his or her thoughts, the worse the thoughts can become.

When your mind starts aimlessly wandering, it's important to find an activity to keep it busy. You need to focus on something other than the problems in your life and the sadness within you. It's not easy to try and just focus on the positive when you can see nothing, but negativity. When you can't stop your thoughts, you need to find something else to distract them. Hobbies and crafts are good ways to distract the mind.

When I was ill, I took up cross stitching. Focusing on each stitch blocked the unwanted thoughts. It also comforted me. The prospects of making my work into something beautiful brightened my spirit. It gave me a positive thing to look forward to. I also did woodburnings.

I started writing stories in school as a way to escape the pain of my life and to keep my mind busy. My writing was something I could control the outcome of. I could create new worlds and turn sad stories into happy ones.

Here are some ways you can keep your mind busy and distract those negative thoughts:

• Cross Stitching
• Woodburning
• Crocheting
• Singing
• Writing
• Knitting
• Going out with positive friends
• Talking to a friend
• Watching a humorous movie
• Exercising
• Putting a puzzle together
• Doing housework
• Reading

The point is to find something that you like to do that will keep the mind from wandering, but make sure it's something positive. Taking up drinking and drugs to clear the mind can give you temporary relief, but send you into a major downfall after wards. You need to find something which will help you climb out of the hole and to stay within the light.

Even though I am in recovery, when I find my mind wandering towards negativity and I get my cross stitching out or get busy working on writing my memoir. Going to work each day also keeps my thoughts from wandering. Keeping my mind busy helps me stay within the light.

WORDS HURT

You know the saying, “Stick and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me”? Well, it's not true. It's just a silly saying to try to make people feel better, but words do hurt. Name calling, rumors, lies and plain old bullying, causes wounds deep within the soul. These wounds could take years and lots of counseling to heal. Bullying can contribute or lead to mental illness in children and teenagers.

Bullying, started in first grade for me. I had a learning disability and my classmates and even teachers considered me stupid. Each day I faced my classmates calling me a retard, dummy, loser, stupid and so on. They harassed me at school, on the bus and when they walked past my home. They threw stones at me, poured cologne down my back and put “kick me” signs on my back. My teachers said they felt sorry for me because I would never be smart enough to be worth anything in the future. They assigned classmates to give me answers on tests.

The name calling gnawed at my insides. At night I rolled around struggling to sleep and when I did sleep, nightmares haunted me. I began to hate myself and believe that my classmates and teachers were right: I was worthless. Darkness filled me as I faced school and went home afterwords, crying. I learned to keep quiet at school. The less I talked, the better chance I had of not being teased about how I talked or what I said.

The bullying ripped at my heart and soul and a deep sadness settled in. I struggled to make it from day to day. I lost interest in things that used to bring me joy and I began to see the bad side to everything around me. I felt that my life was hopeless and I was useless.

It wasn't until I got older that I realized I suffered from depression most of my childhood. The bullying throughout elementary and high school pushed me deeper into my depression. I also believe it is the root of my Borderline Personality Disorder. In my adult years, I had to learn how to undo the damage my classmates and teachers did. My therapist helped me find ways to heal my wounds and reach for recovery.

Therapy helped me heal my wounds, but it couldn't take away my scars. I still have scars no one can see, but I am much stronger. Sometimes I fall back into that negative thinking I learned in school, but I have my husband to remind me there is a positive side to everything.

Bullying hurts and opens up wounds within the soul, but with counseling those wounds can heal. That's why it's important to support your child and get him or her help as soon as possible. With help, I found God's healing touch through therapy and I stand above those who put me down, dancing within the light.

GOD'S HELPING HAND

I think everyone has heard the story about the guy who was drowning and asked God to save him. Boats came along to help him and he refused because he said he was waiting for God to help him. When he drowned he asked God why he didn't help him. God told him he had sent him boats. God sends us help in the same way in our own lives. We have to choose whether or not to take it. In our struggles with mental illness, God sends us help. He gives us therapists, psychiatrists, medication, determination, strength, courage and much more.

In my last blog, I talked about determination. Determination is a gift from God. He placed it deep within us all and we just have to decide to use it. He gave us many gifts such as this. He gave us strength to fight and the courage to push forward. These are more than just gifts; they are God reaching down, giving us a helping hand.

While I was ill, I was like that man drowning. God kept reaching out and I kept turning away. I stopped going to church, I focused on taking my life, and I doubted his existence. I turned away from anything and anyone who had something to do with God. I lay at the bottom of the hole, dwelling in my pain, thinking God had abandoned me, so I figured I was going to do the same to him. I couldn't see that God was sending me a rope to climb my way out. I was like that man who was drowning. I refused God's help.

I was determined to prove I wasn't stupid in school, but I refused to use my determination to climb out of my hole. God gave me loving parents and grandparents to help me through my illness, but I hid my deep sadness from them. I lived with my grandparents and put a smile on for them while quietly injuring and attempting suicide behind their backs. My mom confronted me about wounds she saw on my arms and I lied to her. God gave me strength to face my illness, but I refused to use it.

It wasn't until I found pamphlets on depression that I was willing to reach out for the rope. God sent me help and slowly step by step I started using it. I turned to my mom who worked hard to find me a good therapist. I found my buried strength, courage and determination to work towards recovery. I spent several years in recovery before becoming ill again.

It wasn't until I met my friend Kelly, who helped me ask God into my life, that I could see all the times God sent me help. The closer I came to knowing God ,the more I realized that all the strength, courage, determination, good therapists, good psychiatrists, friends and family who helped me reach recovery were God's helping hands and his gifts to help me.

So open your eyes, reach out for the lifelines, and know that God is there sending you his help. I'm dancing in the light because of God.

HOW DO YOU DEFINE DETERMINATION?

In many of my blogs, I mentioned determination, but I have not talked about what determination is. How do you define determination? Is it the ability to make it through one more day of sadness? Is it the choice to face daily struggles? Is it the ability to stand up to life's challenges? Or is it how you stand up to all of these challenges?

To me determination is to face life's challenges with all the strength and willpower within you. It's not giving up when everything around you seems dark and hopeless. It's pushing forward when you feel as if you cannot go on anymore. It's surpassing all odds and reaching forward when others have lost faith in you. Determination is the key to recovery from many disabilities, illness, and specially mental illness.

In grade school and high school, I struggled with a learning disability. My classmates and teachers thought I wasn't smart enough to pass my classes or to have a future. I decided to prove them wrong. In high school, I found way to work around my disability and pass my classes with A's. I pushed forward against all odds and graduated with scholarships and honors. I decided I was going to prove to my classmates, teachers, and the world I was not stupid. With determination, I went to college, earned a degree, and held a job for twenty years.

I applied this same determination to my mental illness. My life seemed hopeless and the dark hole endless. I lost faith in myself and when I was hospitalized, I dug deep down inside for the strength to climb out of the hole. I decided I did not want to live my life in darkness. I wanted to find happiness and to live a normal life. I felt like I was dying inside, but I pushed through it to reach towards the light. I mustered up all the strength I could to stand up to my illness. I pushed onward even though I could barely get out of bed or face the next day. It was the hardest challenge I ever had to face, but with determination, I reached recovery.

I'm now using all my inner strength to face physical health problems and to keep within the light. It would be easy to get depressed at the thought of facing another surgery and waking up each day with pain, but I will push forward.

It's determination that has helped me through all my life challenges and has helped me grow into the person I am. If you're not determined enough to stand up to your illness against all odds, then you'll sit at the bottom of the hole in complete darkness. Stand up, take control of your life and your illness. Push forward against all odds and climb the walls of the hole. Because of my determination, I stand at the top of the hole and I bathe in the light of happiness.