SYMPTOMS OF BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

I was told when I was hospitalized years ago that I have Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD). I had no idea what BPD was, so I did some research. I found that many who suffer with this illness were abused. I was never abused by my parents, but I was abused emotionally by teachers and classmates at school. I also learned that people with BPD have a hard time with self-image, relationships and behaviors.

 

I found these symptoms on the National Education Alliance website (The website can be found on the side bar of this blog.):

• Fear Of abandonment (I blogged about my struggles with this in the past.)
• Unstable or changing relationships (I had many unstable relationships with friends and boyfriends.)
• Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self (I had problems with my self-image.)
• Impulsive or self-damaging behavior (e.g. excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
• Suicidal Behavior or self-injuring (At one time I was suicidal and I have now gone thirteen years without injuring)
• Varied or random mood swings (I would be in a good mood one minute and in an angry fit the next.)
• Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness (Throughout a big part of my life I felt worthlessness and I struggled with sadness)
• Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights (I often lost my temper at home and got into physical fights with my brother. I got angry and would throw and break things.)
• Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

To be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, you must have five or more of these symptoms. If you have several of these symptoms, find a therapist who deals with BPD. In time you can take control of your illness and find a happier life. Your symptoms can be reduced and you can bathe in the light as I am. I still have some of the symptoms of Borderline, but they no longer rule my life. I live my life in the light.

Choosing To Have Children

Having children is a big decision for anyone, but especially hard if you're struggling with mental illness. I wanted children when I was younger. I always thought I would have at least two children. When I watched the movie The Divine secret of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and saw what the daughter of a mentally ill mother went through as a child, I began to question whether I could handle motherhood. Would my future children resent me because of the breakdowns and bouts of depression I would go through while trying to deal with the trials and tribulations of motherhood? Could I handle the stress of the pregnancy, of post postpartum depression and of being a parent?

 

I discussed it with my therapist and went over the positives and negatives of having a child. My negatives outweighted my positives. Even though I'm doing good, I still have mental illness and I don't want to risk falling back into the darkness.

 

I have a hard time handling stress and it can lead to anxiety attacks which make me sick. I worry excessively till I once again get sick. I can't deal with people who physically ill especially with the flu. When I have depression episodes, I find it hard to even do the dishes and I cry a lot. I'm not very good at taking care of myself without the help of my husband. I can't get up in the morning due to sleeping medication.

 

I realized postpartum depression would be extremely hard on me and could put me in a hospital. I also feared that the stresses of parenthood could lead me back into a serve depression. I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to put my child through my mental illness. I decided not to have children. I don't want to risk putting a child through the possibility of relapse of my illness.

 

I gave up my dream of having children. Luckily I found a man who is older than I am and doesn't care to have children. I am asked often, “When are you going to have children?” I reply, “I'm happy with having plenty of nieces and nephews I can give back and a dog I can love unconditionally.” The truth is I love my freedom. My husband and I can come and go whenever we want to. I love being everyone's favorite Aunt.

 

It's not an easy decision to not have children, but it was the best. Not all of us can handle motherhood. Having a mental illness can make it very hard. Some people can manage it and some can't. I'm one of those who could not handle it. I decided to embrace my life in the light. Choosing not to have children has allowed me to dance within the light.

EDUCATE THOSE YOU LOVE

It's hard to build relationships with the opposite sex, but even harder when you're struggling with mental illness. Sometimes people take advantage of those who are suffering and they take advantage of the sick person's weakness. Other times the partner in the relationship just doesn't understand mental illness and makes things worse. I've been the victim of both. I found myself in both situations. I lost boyfriends because they could not handle my illness and I found myself in abusive relationships.

 

I had a boyfriend who abused me verbally and in other ways. He told his friends and family what a hero he was for putting up with my illness. He had his parents and friends feeling sorry for him while he used my weakness to push me deeper into depression and self-injury.

 

When I met my husband and we started to get serious, I decided to let him know about my mental illness. I gave him information and told him he must decide whether or not he could deal with my illness. I also made it clear that if he chose to stay with me, he would have to learn how to handle my illness. He read the information and agreed to couple therapy. Every other week we went to therapy together, and my therapist educated him on how to help me with my illness.

 

By learning about depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, anxiety, and self-injury, he became more than just a boyfriend and a husband. He has become my rock, my support, and my counselor. When I'm depressed, he knows how to help me look at the bright side of life. When I'm in an emotional episode, he knows how to calm me down, and he reminds me on a regular basis to take my medication. He never asks for a pat on the back. He says he does it because he loves me.

 

It's also important to teach your friends and family members about your illness. Search online for information about your specific illness. With the help of your therapist, write down symptoms of your sickness, write down things that trigger your symptoms, and make a list of stressors in your life and what helps you during the rough times. I learned that the more I knew about my illness the more I was able to teach others about it and show them how to assist me when I need them the most.

 

To this day my husband still goes to therapy with me for support. He tells the therapist things I forget to tell or am reluctant to tell. He makes it a point to continue to be an important part of my struggles to stay within the light. With his knowledge and support, I continue to dance in the light.

DON'T LEAVE ME

A symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder is a fear of abandonment. This fear drove away some of my friends and led me to many heartaches. Like I said in a previous blog, I became attached to my friends, but I also feared I would do something wrong to drive them away, or there was something about me that would make them want to leave me.

During my childhood, many of my friends turned their backs on me, and when I did make a friend, I held on to her tightly. When a friend canceled plans with me, I'd get upset. I'd wonder what I did wrong, if my friend was trying to find a reason not to spend time with me or was finding a way to put an end to our relationship. I got angry and sad. I blamed myself. I thought I was worthless and that I drove my friends away.

In my adult years I developed many good friendships, but the fear of them abandoning me plagued me. I got upset when they were late meeting me for a dinner; I cried when they canceled plans and I worried constantly I would drive them away. In order to protect myself from abandonment, I would push them away. I would ignore them at times; I would avoid their phone calls and keep secrets.

Even though I wanted to keep myself safe from being abandoned, I held onto my friends tightly. I couldn't imagine life without them. I couldn't stand the thought of being alone and of never seeing my friends again. When I turned from my friends, I'd find myself begging for forgiveness and asking them to never leave me.

This fear of being abandoned reached into my relationships with men. I repeatedly ask my husband to promise me he'll never leave me. He always tells me if he was going to leave he would have done it long time ago and that he loves me too much to walk away. When I have health problems and I get depressed, I wonder if I'm too much of a burden on my husband and he will not want me anymore. He reminds me there is nothing which could take him from me.

In therapy I learned that friendships come and go. If a friend leaves, it's not because I'm an awful person and it's not my fault. I also realized when friends cancel something or don't call, it's not my fault and other things may have come up. I no longer get mad when a friend changes or cancels plans. I still fear being abandoned, but I have learned how to handle those worries. I remind myself that friends come and go and I can make new ones. With the help of my therapist I can bathe in the sunlight of good relationships.