THE AFTER AFFECT OF SELF-INJURY

Self-injury can, in a sense, give you a high like drugs. When you hurt yourself you're suddenly free from your self-hate, deep sadness, inner anguish and many other emotions that fill you, or suddenly you're no longer numb. You finally have control. It's like you're on a high. The world around you no longer matters. The question is, once you're finished and the high is gone, how do you feel? Do you feel happy or guilty?

When I self-injured, I felt like I was suddenly free from my depressed and emotionally overwhelmed body. I felt like I was floating above myself looking down at the depressed mess and feeling free. I was free from my self-loathing, anger, sadness and anguish. Nothing could touch me. Then suddenly I fell back down into my body. I looked at what I did to myself and all those feelings rushed back into my body along with more emotions.

I'd look at my cut and feel guilty, ashamed and angry at myself. What did I do? Why am I so stupid? What am I going to tell my friends and family? I put a bandage on my wound, but it wasn't enough to take away what I did to myself. How am I going to hide my injuries? What if someone sees them? What excuses will I give them?

The feelings I felt afterwards weren't enough for me to stop self-injuring. I needed that high. It was the only way I knew how to cope with my mental illness. I kept hurting and falling back down into my world of pain. I was addicted to injuring and I ignored how it made me feel afterwards.

Often after I harmed myself, I would lie on my bedroom floor, curled up in a ball, and cry. I cried alone while my emotions ripped at my insides. I'd mentally punish myself for what I did and then a day or more later do it all over again.

In therapy my therapist would have me write out how I felt after each injury. Then I would write down the positive and negatives of self-injury. 

 

POSITIVE OF SELF-injury	NEGATIVE OF SELF-INJURY
I was in control Relief from inner pain	Guilt Shame Angry at myself Felt alone I was hiding wounds I lied to friends and family Depressed Self-hate

After doing this exercise, I realized that injuring was not worth it. I felt worse afterwards than before. The negatives outweighed the positives. I finally saw the flaws in my coping technique. My therapist taught me new and healthier coping techniques. With healthier ways of dealing with my mental illness, my emotions became easier to handle. I found by not hurting myself, I felt stronger and free from shame and guilt.

I began to express my emotions in journals and I would write out my feelings for my therapist. She would use my writings to help me find ways to handle what I was going through. With my journals and new coping techniques, I stand tall within the light of recovery.

A SILENT CRY

Self-injury is a serious illness and is not done for attention. Those who injure do it as a means to cope with their mental illness. It is also a silent cry for help, a cry no one hears and many do not know about, a cry most injurers keep a secret by hiding their wounds. Others injure in places that are noticeable or show their injuries to others. Even if they are not hiding their wounds, they are crying for help.

When I first revealed to my mom I was hurting myself she immediately found me a therapist. When I told my therapist I was harming myself on purpose, she accused me of doing it for attention and to hurt others. I tried to tell her that I was hurting badly inside and I didn't know how to relieve my pain. She wouldn't listen to me. I left each therapy session in tears.

Many injure as a coping technique and that is why I injured. I found it the only way I could deal with the overpowering emotions that filled me. My emotions hurt so bad I had to release them, and the only way I could think of letting them out was to hurt myself. A wound on my outer body felt better than what was happening within me. Some people harm themselves, because they feel numb and need to injure just to feel. I did it because I felt too much. Harming myself gave me an escape from my internal pain.

When I went to a friend's house for dinner, they were talking about people cutting themselves for attention. They said a girl we knew and some children they went to school with were harming themselves just for attention. I told them those who inflict wounds on themselves are crying for help. They are sick and need professional help. People who are emotionally well do not intentionally cause injury to themselves.

I hid my self-injury because I feared judgment like this. I wanted help, but I was afraid to ask for it. Deep inside I was crying, but no one could hear my cries, buried deep inside me. When someone did see my injuries, I made excuses. I wanted to yell out, “I need help,” but couldn't. Instead I hid my tears, creating a deeper ache within my soul. I cried silently with each wound I inflicted on my body.

If you know of someone hurting himself or herself, take it seriously. Talk to your friend, and tell someone like a parent, teacher or boss. Encourage your friend to get help and let your friend know you are at his or her side to support or to listen. Remember, a self-inflicted wound is not for attention; it is a cry for help. Listen to the cry and find a way to help your friend.

My mom and friends heard my cry. With their encouragement and therapy, I worked hard to put an end to my self-injuring. With determination, I stopped hurting myself and I haven't injured in fourteen years. Since I have found new ways to cope with my inner pain, the light shines bright.

STANDING TALL

Even during recovery bad things happen. What's important is how you handle the problems that come about. How do you handle the event that happened? Do you stand tall or fall apart? Do you revert to your old ways or fight to stay well? It's all up to you. Life is unpredictable and it throws a lot of stuff in your way to challenge you and your ability to fight your illness.

Recently the manager of the department where I work called me in to her office. I felt my heart drop. I knew I was in trouble. What did I mess up on? How will I be punished? I walked to the office with my heart pounding in my ears like a bad song stuck in my head.

I sat in my manager's office while she told me about my mistake and announced my punishment. A year and a half ago, I made a similar mistake, and when the manager told me, I fell apart. I started crying and couldn't stop, but this time I stayed strong. A tear did not part from my eyes. I stood tall and said, “Well, at least I have my birthday off.”

After being told I had time off without pay, I went back to work. I talked to my customers and put a smile on. A year and a half ago, I barely made it through the rest of my shift. I fought tears and I could hardly speak.

I chose to stand tall and face my mistake and punishment with strength. This time I was not going to let my error rip me apart. I was sad and mad, but I wasn't going to let my illness take over my emotions. I can't say my illness didn't threaten me, but I decided to fight.

During my time off, sadness filled me, and my thoughts began to swim in my head: I should have never made such a mistake. I'm a bad cashier. We won't be able to pay our bills. We will be so far in debt we will not be able to get out. I decided I wasn't going to let those thoughts take over. I reminded myself I was only human and humans make mistakes. We'll find ways to pay our bills. I got a vacation from work. I could sleep in and stay up late.

I decided to keep myself busy while I was off so I didn't have time to think. I put laundry away, I took our dog for a walk, I made plans to spend the night at my parents and go yard saleing. I also did some writing. I turned to my friends for support. They gave me encouragement and comfort.

Your illness will always threaten to take over during rough times while in recovery, but it's up to you to stand up to it. You may never be cured of your mental illness, but as long as you continue to fight you can keep yourself in the light.

I could have fallen apart over my mistake, but instead I stood tall. I refused to fall back into my old ways. I stood up and fought my sadness. I made the best of my time off. Because I didn't let my mistake knock me down, I am still within the light.

A PRIVATE SPOT TO INJURE

Typically a person who self-injures does so in privacy, picking a spot where he or she feels safe from interruptions. This becomes like a sanctuary. It could be a bathroom, a bedroom, an office in the house, a sewing room or any place where the person can be alone. A self-injurer will spend a lot of time in the place choose to harm him or herself.

When I self-injured, I did it in my bedroom. When I lived with my grandparents, my room was upstairs and theirs was downstairs. They hardly ever went up there, so I knew I had all the privacy I needed. I told my grandparents I was spending endless hours studying in my room. I did study, but I also injured. I sat alone ripping at my flesh and feeling my soul free of pain for a little while. I even had a spot in my bedroom where I stored the tools I used to harm myself.

My room was my hideaway from the world. No one would bother me, and no one would see what I was doing. I was ashamed of my self-injuring and I was ashamed of myself. What would people think of me? What kind of person was I? But in my room I was free of shame and I had nothing to hide. Outside of my room I wore long-sleeved shirts and told no one what I was doing. Since I was in college, my grandparents never asked why I spent so much time in my bedroom.

Years later when I fell down into the hole again and I lived with my ex-boyfriend, I hurt myself late at night in the living room. My ex-boyfriend went to bed early so I had the living room to myself. My ex was a sound sleeper and I knew he would not wake up and see what I was doing. I'd stay up late at night hurting myself. The darkness surrounded me and the urges, desire, and need to free my inner pain took over my rational thinking.

After my ex-boyfriend threw me out, I moved back home with my parents. All my siblings had moved away from home, and once again I hid in my bedroom. I spent many hours alone in my room hurting myself. I made excuses to my parents as to why I spent so much time up there.

I learned in therapy that isolating myself was only giving me an excuse to injure. I needed to spend more time away from the place I felt safe and free to do such horrible things to my body. I had to walk away from my comfort zone and face the world around me. I learned that when I felt the need to escape from my inner pain, I needed to be around people and communicate with them. The more I shared with people how I felt and the more time I spent with friends and family, the easier the fight to stop injuring became.

Take a step towards your recovery and come out of your hideaway. When you get the urge to hurt yourself, go to a friend's house, or spend time with your family. If you feel as if you have no one to, go to then find somewhere public. Do what you can to stay away from the place you injure. Search for a therapist who has dealt with self-injury and he or she can help you walk towards the light of recovery.

The more time I spent away from the area where I hurt myself the stronger I became at fighting my need to injure. With determination, I overcame self-injuring and I now stand within the light.

IS IT POSSIBLE TO STOP SELF-INJURING?

Self-injuring is a method of coping with emotional pain. It becomes like an addiction. You feel as if you have to do it and there is no other way to handle what is going on within you. It fills your thoughts and you feel like you can't control the urge, the need, and desire to harm yourself. So how do you stop?

Self-injury is a private thing. Many hurt themselves when they are all by themselves and they go to extreme extents to hide their injuries. I cut myself on my arms or on my shoulders. I wore long-sleeved shirts to hide what I was doing to myself. I realized the first step I had to take to stop harming myself was to tell someone. I had to let my secret out. I turned to my Mom and a close friend.

Like with any type of mental illness, you need to have support partners. I realized the second thing I had to do to reach recovery was to find two or three support partners I could call when I felt like injuring myself. These people had to be willing to be available anytime I needed them and be willing to stay on the phone with me until I felt I was able to control my need to hurt myself. One of my good friends would talk on on the phone with me till late at night. Sometimes we talked for hours; when she got me laughing then she would let me go. My mom was also available whenever I needed her.

The third step I learned in my process to get better was to find other things to do instead of injuring. I learned to keep myself busy with crafts and hobbies. When the urge got the best of me I would hold an ice cube in my hand. The coldness of the ice simulated the feeling of harming myself. I found cross stitching and wood burning relaxing. Find ten things you can do when the urge comes upon you.

The fourth step I did was to get rid of all tools I used on myself. I threw away razor blades and I hid knives or anything that would tempt me. I turned to a electric shaver for shaving needs. If I couldn't see sharp instruments, or if they were where I could not look at them, I was less tempted. I had my mother hide the knives so I would not know where they were.

Next, I had to learn to challenge my negative thoughts and learn to stop them. Just like in my previous blog post, I had to change my negative thinking into positive such as “I am such an idiot for hurting myself,” to “I did what I thought was right to take care of myself.” I also learned I must stop myself from thinking about injuring. When it crossed my mind, I had to stop myself and then try to force myself to focus on something else. This I found was very hard to do, but I was determined to do it. I used my journal to write down other things I could think about.

Another step is to set a goal. A friend at work told me if I could go six months without injuring, she would have a dinner for me with my friends. It was a struggle, but I made it to those six months and had my dinner. Next, I set a goal for a year and after each year I went without injuring, I celebrated my triumph. By giving myself a goal, I had something to look forward to and work for.

These and many more techniques on how to reach recovery form self-injury can be found in the book called, The Scarred Soul: Understanding and Ending Self-inflicted Violence by Tracy Alderman, Ph.D.

 

By using these steps and with determination, I have gone fourteen years without injuring. You, too, can stop injuring, but you must be willing to fight and work hard to stop. The urges to hurt myself have faded into the back of my mind. Now that I have found healthier ways to cope with my illness, I stand proudly within the light.