FORGIVING IS HEALING

One of the hardest things to do is to forgive someone who has betrayed you or hurt you. Holding onto the anger and hate you have towards that person is much easier, but it is harmful. You are hurting yourself and preventing yourself from reaching recovery by holding onto your ill feelings. Even if you don't tell the person you forgive him or her, you must forgive him or her within your soul in order to heal. You must also be able to forgive yourself.

For years after my friendship ended with the girl who abused me I held on to my anger and hate towards her. It ate at me like a plague. Not only could I not forgive her for what she did, but I also could not forgive myself for allowing her to hurt me. I should have stopped her. I should have been strong enough to say no. The anger, hate, and self-loathing blocked my view of the light at the top of the hole.

When I got into an abusive relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I found myself falling further into the darkness. When he packed my stuff and threw me out, the anger doubled. How could he abuse me? How could I ever forgive him for what he did? The sight of him brought tears, and emotions bubbled deep within me. I vowed I would never allow a man to hurt me like that again. My anger towards him and my ex-friend weighed heavily on my heart. It brought inability to trust, anger, self-loathing and depression.

I swore off men for several years. How could I trust another man after what my ex did to me? I put my friends at a distance. I lost many friends because I drove them away with my insecurities about their loyalty to me. I hated myself for allowing others to abuse me and this deepened my sadness.

In therapy my therapist had me write a note to the people who abused me, telling them how I felt about what they did to me and telling them I forgave them. She told me to burn the note and allow those feelings to go up in smoke. So I wrote a two page note to each person, spilling out all my emotions. I was able to free myself from what had happened to me. As I lit the notes on fire, I felt the chains around my soul loosen and fall away. I was free.

My therapist explained to me that I was ill and unable to fight off my abusers. I was not to blame for what they did to me. With her help, I was able to see I didn't need to forgive myself because I didn't do anything wrong. I was a victim. For myself, I was able to forgive my abusers and let myself off the hook.

By allowing myself to forgive my abusers, I was able to let go of a lot of bad feelings. Even though I never got a chance to tell them to their faces, I was able to forgive and this became a very important part of my healing process. By letting go of those stored up feelings I found the climb up out of my dark hole easier. Because I learned to forgive, I have healthier relationships with friends and with my husband.

Forgive for yourself. Allow yourself to heal and reach for the light. Because I was able to forgive, within me I now dance in the rays of a joyous light.

TRADING MINDS

Have you noticed that you have experienced some of the symptoms of mental illness in your life, but you don't have mental illness? Do you wonder how the same things you have struggled with affect someone with mental illness differently? When my friend asked me how it was different for me, I told her to multiply her experience by 3.

Everyone has suffered with a period of sadness, struggled at a time with self-esteem, worried too much and made things out to be worse than they are. Many symptoms of mental illness are things people face during the course of their lives, but there is a difference when you experience them on a regular basis.

For me the symptoms of depression and borderline were intense, painful and at times debilitating. The darkness of my hole spread throughout my soul and my body. The darkness nearly drained the breath from my lungs. My emotions hurt worse than a root canal and I felt as if I had no control over my feelings and actions. At times I forgot what happiness was and I wondered if I had ever felt it.

Getting out of bed became a struggle, sleeping was hopeless, making decisions seemed impossible and even eating became a challenge. I cried over the smallest things. I tried watching funny movies to only fall deeper into the hole. I couldn't enjoy the company of friends and family. My writing, my biggest passion, couldn't even shine a light within soul.

Imagine feeling your sad moments so intensely that no matter what you do, you can't pull yourself out of it. Imagine worrying so much that it engulfs your every thought and churns your stomach until you're sick. Sick to the stomach and sick within the body with aching muscles, tight chest and gasps for air. Imagine seeing a problem so big it makes you want to curl up in a ball and pray you could just slip away. This is what mental illness was like for me.

Even now while I am in recovery, I struggle with some of the intensity of the symptoms of mental illness. The difference is I am stronger and I know how to ask for help when I'm not strong enough. My worrying becomes overpowering at times and even my sleeping medication doesn't work when I'm worrying. That's when I turn to my husband and he reassures me and helps me find comfort.

When you face a bad day and are able to pull yourself up with a smile and a funny movie, think of the many who cannot recover so easily. Step into the mind of someone who is struggling with mental illness and be glad for the light that shines in your life. Lend a shoulder to someone who is struggling, and even though it is overwhelming, let him or her know you care. People who have mental illness feel the same things you do, but much more intensely.

Even though sometimes my feelings become overwhelming, I now have control and friends and family who help me stay within the light.

DO YOU BLOCK YOUR OWN JOY?

Sometimes we prevent our own joy by the way we think. We let our own interpretations of our lives and the things around us stand as a wall between sadness and happiness. We think things like, “How can I enjoy my job when people are so rude?” or “I can't enjoy my life because I'm too shy.” We find ways to block out the joy in our lives by hiding behind excuses for our lack of happiness. These excuses are called joy blockers.

Sometimes we do things to block our own joy such as blaming others, diminishing ourselves, complaining about the things around us, finding everything boring, finding ourselves virtuous if we deny ourselves what makes us happy and comparing yourself unfavorable to others.

I found the joy blocker I used often was diminishing myself. I couldn't find joy because I thought I was too ugly and a burden to men. How could I be happy if I was too ugly for any man to want to date or build a life with? Who would want me if I was too much to handle? I figured I'd spend my life alone. If I wasn't good enough for a man, then I believed I would never find happiness. After several failed relationships, my diminished view of myself increased.

I couldn't be happy if I was good for nothing. I spent my life listening to others say I was useless, and at times that became a belief of my own. I used it as an excuse to stay within the darkness. For years I figured my unhappiness was because I became nothing but a cashier. I was a nobody just like everyone thought I would be. I went to college and yet I had no skills or abilities to do anything but work in a grocery store. How could I ever be happy as a failure?

I also used the joy blocker called delayer. When I was in college, I believed I couldn't be happy until I got a communications degree and a good paying job. I concentrated on obtaining them and believed I could never find joy until I reached my goal. After I became an adult, I believed I would never be happy until I lived on my own and had a husband. I thought living at home with my parents was the cause of my sadness.

In therapy my therapist gave me a list of joy blockers and I was able to see that I was blocking the light from shining into my dark hole. I learned to look at the positive qualities about myself and change my negative thinking. I also learned to concentrate on the things I did have instead of dwelling on the things I didn't have. I found joy was all around me once I was willing to let it in.

By being happy with how I reach out to my customers, I realized I am successful. Being grateful for good friends led me on a blind date, which is how I met my husband. Knowing that I have a job, a home and my bills are paid brings me joy. By no longer looking at what I don't have and finding the positive within myself I am able to bathe in the light.

DON'T LABEL YOURSELF

We all get mad at ourselves when we make mistake. We think to ourselves, “How dumb of me to do such a thing?” Then we let it go and forget about it, but if you're struggling with mental illness, you can't let it go. You turn your mistake into a label you place upon yourself. You think, “I screwed up. I'm a dumb idiot.” This kind of thinking is a cognitive distortion called labeling. You automatically think the worse of yourself for a simple human error.

During my struggles with mental illness, I fell into this type of thinking. In college if I failed a test, I thought of myself as a loser. Anything less than a passing grade meant that I was no good. This thinking pushed me deeper into my dark hole. It made me hate myself even more. I pushed myself to study harder, leaving little time for a social life. I became obsessed with my school work. I couldn't sleep, eat or think straight. I couldn't accept a failing grade as just a human error. I saw my bad grade as a definition of who I was.

When I couldn't pass calculus to graduate from college

or meet the requirements to get the degree I wanted, I called myself a worthless failure. I was able to take a test to prove I was learning disabled and the college waved calculus to allow me to graduate, but I had to settle for humanities degree instead of a communications degree. I couldn't get past the label that I was a failure. I still struggle with that label. I worked hard for my degree, yet I believe I failed. I tell everyone I have a communications degree, because I fear they, too, will think I'm a failure.

What I couldn't see and what I must continually remind myself is that I did not fail and I am not a failure. I worked hard around my disability and mental illness to graduate with an associate degree in humanities. My classmates and grade school teachers thought I would never go to college and yet I did and I graduated with good grades. By labeling myself, I clouded my own view of my success. I couldn't see I was and am successful.

 While struggling with depression, I couldn't allow myself to be human without placing a label on myself. If my drawer came up short at work, I thought I was too stupid to be a cashier. I couldn't see that I just made a mistake. I became my own enemy. I labeled myself just like the kids did when I was in school.

In therapy I learned to see my errors as me being human instead of labeling myself. Sometimes I still revert to labeling and I have to remind myself we all make mistake. Learning how to stop putting a label on myself and to stop myself when I do label myself keeps me dancing within the light.