WHO'S JUDGING

Many of us suffering from mental illness hide it and avoid help because we fear of being judged. Prejudice exists all around us. When I was hospitalized, people commented, “I heard you were in the loony bin.” When others found out I was a self-injurer, they wondered if they should watch me around knives and asked if I liked pain. When I got a paper cut, they asked me if I did it on purpose.

 

When over there's a brutal murder or shooting the news puts emphasis on the criminal's mental illness. I was once told I was a danger to the people around me because I had a history of mental illness. The only person I have ever hurt is myself. The truth is, the majority of those who suffer with mental illness are not violent. They are only a danger to themselves.

 

Despite the prejudice that lingers around mental illness, I learned to stand above it. I believe I can educate others by being an example, by living my life to the fullest despite my illness, and by educating people through my writing. I'm no longer afraid to tell people I have an illness. I tell them with pride.

 

I have an illness, just like cancer or multiple sclerosis. It's one that cannot be seen, but it's real. It's hard to understand a sickness of the mind. The mind is complicated. Persons who are sick may look normal while inside they are falling apart. Many did not know I was ill until I was hospitalized and a so-called friend spread the word.

 

I went many years in silence about my illness because I feared no one would understand. I learned that hiding my feelings only led to deeper sadness. By sharing, I found people who were willing to learn about my sickness, and I found people who were also going through the same thing as I was.

 

Because I decided to get help, I am living a good life. I still struggle with symptoms, but I am able to manage them. Many people with mental illness live normal lives. Some are doctors, some are teachers, some are bus drivers, and I happen to be a cashier.

 

We are normal people who happen to have an illness. We can stand up to prejudice by getting help, reaching recovery, and sharing our stories. I'm sharing my story through this blog not only to help others, but also to educate others.

SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION

When I started seeing a therapist for depression, I was given a list of symptoms which I had to check off. Not everyone has all the symptoms, but when you have several of them and they are persistent, you must seek help.

 

Here are the signs or symptoms of depression:

• Sleep too much or can't sleep (I couldn't sleep)
• Have a hard time concentrating or finding easy tasks hard (I found easy stuff as a challenge)
• Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness (I felt hopeless)
• Negative thoughts out of control (I couldn't stop my negative thoughts, no matter how hard I tried)
• Loss of appetite or eating too much (I had little interest in food.)
• More irritable, short-tempered or aggressive than usual (I was irritable and shot-tempered)
• Drink more alcohol then usual or become involved in other reckless behavior
• Thoughts of taking your life (I felt my life was useless and I'd be better off dead.) If you have this feeling, seek help right away!
• Unexplained aches and pains (Not only did my soul ache, but my body ached.)

If you have several of these symptoms seek help. It's these symptoms that make you feel like you fell down the hole of darkness.

 

If you don't have insurance, look for places with a sliding fee and places that are state funded. When I was in college, I found a place which provided therapy and a psychiatrist with a sliding fee. They also helped me find programs to get my medication for free.

 

With medication and therapy, you can also dance in the light like I have and am doing. Without help your depression could become worse. No one should spend their life in darkness when reaching the light is possible.

 

I found these symptoms at www.helpguide.org and you can also find them at Anxiety and Depression Association (the website can be found on the sidebar of my blog). There is also advice on these sites on how to find help.

A WINNER OR A FAILURE

When The mind is plagued with darkness thoughts become distorted. In college, when I got a lower than normal grade on a test my heart plummeted. I automatically thought I was a failure. When I got a good grade I felt like a winner. There was no in between.

When I received my low grade, tears threaten to spill and my chest tightened. “I'm a looser”, sang through my mind. “They were right about me in high school; I'm a retard. I don't belong in college.” The more my negative thoughts filled my mind the further down the whole I fell.

When I was unable to get the degree I wanted in college (due to my learning disability) and I became a cashier instead of going on to a four year college, I once again thought I was a failure. Even though I worked hard to prove myself in high school and then in college, I couldn't even get a communication degree. Instead of going on to a four year college, all I could do was work in a grocery store. I was sure I failed. I believed I proved everyone right; I was a retard who couldn't do anything right.

I learned in therapy that this type of thinking was

“all-or-nothing thinking.” The book Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns, M.D. describes it as seeing everything as black or white--shades of gray do not exist. In other words, I saw myself either as a winner or a failure. I couldn't see the other good things in my life; like I graduated from college, I had stories published, and I was working a job despite my illness.

My therapist taught me I didn't need a high paying job, or a degree in communications to be successful. I learned not everything goes the way I plan and that does not make me a failure, but human. I realized I didn't need to be perfect to still be a winner.

In life there are gray periods where we don't always come out on top. We are not always perfect. It took me a while to believe this.

I no longer have to prove myself, because I already have. No one in high school believed I'd even make it to college, let alone get a degree and I have a associate degree in Humanities. Someone once told me because I have a mental illness, I couldn't work and yet I have been working the same job for 19 years.

Sometimes I still fall into the all-or-nothing thinking, but I have a wonderful husband who reminds me I don't have to be perfect to be a winner. I now know there is a gray spot in our lives, but it is only a part of life.

ON EDGE

Anxiety comes in different forms for people. Some can't breathe; some feel like they are having a heart attack. Some have tightening of muscles, some become dizzy and some get cold or sweaty hands and/or feet.

For me, it comes like a rare flu I can't get rid of. I become nauseated, I dry heave and sometimes I'm over the toilet.

I first experienced this anxiety attack in college while I was being abused by a friend. I woke up each morning feeling sick, I could hardly keep food down and during the day I would dry heave. Sometimes I'd dry heave until I got sick. I'd be fine one minute and sick the next. A doctor gave me anti-nausea medication and it did little to ease my stomach.

When the abuse ended the anxiety attacks went away for several years. They came back suddenly, without warning. My life was going well. I had married a wonderful man, I worked at a good job, and I had been in recovery from my mental illness for several years.

I had a doctor run several tests to rule out health problems. I couldn't believe I was having anxiety attacks at such a good time in my life. The doctor found that I was healthy and he put me on xanax. The nausea went away as long as I remember to take my medication.

In therapy I was able to point out different things in my life that caused stress: things like worrying about finances, work, taking care of my home and health problems. My therapist and I started working on ways to take control of my worries and to relax. My husband's Uncle Richard Gross, a clinical psychilogist, gave me a relaxation tape which helped calm my nerves.

My psychiatrist told me many people with depression have anxiety. He said the illnesses are different and they were not the result of having one or the other. It's just one of those things that seem to go together.

With the help of medication, relaxation techniques, and therapy, I keep my anxiety attacks under control. There are times they get the best of me, but I know I can stand up to them. I have a wonderful husband who reminds me when I'm worrying too much. It helps to have a friend or family member to share my problems with. Having someone to remind me to relax or to help me calm down is important.

ONE CHOICE OR ANOTHER

Should I buy those shoes? What if they hurt my feet? Do I have enough money? Will I go broke buying them? I need new shoes, but what if I get the wrong ones? Maybe I should get a different pair. What happens if those are uncomfortable? Which ones should I get?

My chest tightens as my mind whirls with confusion. My throat throbs as if someone shoved their fist down it. Tears threaten to spill as I hold back a scream. I can't screw this up. I don't want to fail again. This simple determination becomes over whelming.

Decision making can be hard for anyone, but even harder when your mind is plagued with sadness and negativity. Making choices seems impossible. During college and in later years while the darkness filled me making choices consumed me. My mind raced as I went over what could happen if I made the wrong choice. I saw myself making a mistake I would regret. Buying shoes may have begun as a small determination, but within minutes it grew. It kept getting bigger and bigger as if it was life or death. One mistake and my world would end.

The wrong shoes could hurt my feet. If I wear them the store may not let me return them and I'd be stuck with them. Then I would have wasted my money on something I couldn't use. I'd once again screw everything up. I can't do anything right, not even buy shoes. I'm worthless. I have to make the right choice. If I don't I won't be able to sleep and I won't be able to think straight. I wish someone else could decide for me.

My therapist gave me a list of cognitive distortions such as all—or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, mental filter and jumping to conclusions. I read magnification. Magnification is where you blow things out of portion. I realized I made my decision process bigger than it was because I feared I was a failure. I made buying shoes such a big deal because I didn't trust myself to do the right thing.

In therapy I learned to trust in my ability to do the right thing and to change my thinking. I also learned to believe that I could make choices without becoming a failure. At times I fall back into magnifying my decisions, but I remind myself I am capable of doing many things right and once in a while we are allowed to make mistakes. Making a mistake doesn't make me a failure, but only human.