WHAT IS SUCCESS?

Success can be measured in many ways. Some measure it by their highly important jobs, how many expensive possessions they own, or how much money they make. Others think you're successful if you have won a lot of awards or achieved the highest promotion. I define success in a different way: success is when you stand up to an illness, when you achieve goals you set for yourself, when you can hold a job even when others think you can't, and when you make small steps towards recovery.

While struggling with mental illness, I found even the smallest steps I took could be considered acts of success. Forcing myself to get out of bed and go to work when I was falling apart inside was an accomplishment. Taking a friend's challenge to go a year without injuring was success. Admitting I had an illness and finding help was an accomplishment. Each small step I took towards getting well I relished and celebrated because those were the hardest steps in my life I had to take.

Recently I celebrated twenty years at my job. It's not a prestigious job, but it is a good job. I've worked through deep depression and cried in the bathroom. I faced customers with a smile, when I was contemplating my death. A therapist and friends told me I should go on disability, but I refused. I wanted to work even when I felt as if I couldn't make it through another day.

Now I struggle with anxiety attacks and aches and pains from working the same job for many years, but I continue on. Each and every day I reach out and touch people just by listening and talking to them. I find this to be very rewarding. The hug I get from my ninety-year-old customer puts a smile on his face and warms my heart. An elderly lady that comes in gives me a hug and tells me stories about her departed daughter, gives her comfort, and makes me feel good. These are the reasons I continued for twenty years to face my illness and go to work. This is what I consider part of my success story.

Each step I have taken and I continue to take within my process to reach and stay within recovery is a story of success. You, too, can create your own success story by choosing to reach for recovery and celebrating each step you take towards climbing to the top of the hole. Everyone is successful in his or her own way. Each person has had a struggle to face, and it is how you choose to stand up to it that makes you successful. Who cares how many worldly processions or how much money you have? That doesn't count in the end. It's how hard you work, how you face your struggles, and how determined you are that creates your success.

I cherish each new step I make, and I celebrate all my successes-even the small ones-and this helps me stand tall within the light.

I CAN'T TURN OFF MY THOUGHTS

Have your thoughts ever raced through your mind like a herd of wild bulls, rushing at you all at once and ramming you with their evil horns? You fight them, you try to think of something else, you try to keep busy, but they keep racing through your mind turning your stomach in circles. You feel out of control and hopeless.

My husband asks me, “Why don't you believe me when I tell you everything will be okay?” The only answer I can give him is, “I can't turn off my mind.” It's not just the worrying that gets me; it's the gush of endless thoughts.

When bill time comes around, I start worrying if we'll be able to pay all our bills. Lou tells me not to worry, we are always fine. First the worries begin; then my thoughts start to race through my mind. They become out of control.

We will go bankrupt. I can't do anything right; I'll probably mess up our finances. We won't be able to afford to make it through the week. We'll lose everything. I'm a failure. I can't even do math without a calculator. Everyone in high school was right; I am worthless. We are going to end up homeless and broke because of me. The thoughts go on and on. My stomach twists into a tangled mess, my muscles tighten and I can't sleep. I also start dry heaving and sometimes I get sick.

No matter how hard I try, I can't stop the thoughts. They seem to be in control of me. I feel like I'm drowning within a mixture of thoughts and emotions. I clench my teeth in an attempt to hold in a scream of anguish. My emotions become so strong they hurt. I wish there was a switch in my head to shut my thoughts off. In my mind, the simplest situation turns to the worst thing in the world because of my endless thoughts.

After all is done, once I go through the checkbook, everything turns out fine. We make it through another week and all our bills get paid.

The racing thoughts also start up when I'm tired and stressed out. They hit me like a tidal wave at the worse moment possible.

In therapy I learned that the only way to take control of my thoughts is to fight them. I try to focus on positive things, I try picturing myself sitting on a beach or someplace relaxing and I try to keep busy by working on my memoir or doing house work. I work on changing my thoughts around and I reassure myself that Lou is right, and everything will be fine.

I still struggle with racing thoughts and sometimes they get the best of me, but I continue to fight them. The more I fight them, the less frequently my thoughts race and this helps me stay within the light.

LIFE THROWS PROBLEMS IN YOUR WAY

Sometimes life gets complicated and tests your mental wellbeing and strength. This world is full of ups and downs. You never know what life will throw your way. It seems like you solve one problem and another one comes up. When this happens, it's how you handle it that makes all the difference.

Last year I went almost 6 months with a boot on my foot. I went to physical therapy for almost as long. I had foot surgery and got an infection in the surgery site. When I finally healed, I thought my life was back on track. What else could go wrong? Then about 3 months ago, I started having pain in my knee while walking down stairs and in my shoulder each time I moved it. Once again, I was sent back to physical therapy.

After 3 months of therapy, my therapist said I was doing well and I only needed to do one more month. I thought, “Great I'm getting better therapy will be over soon and I will be back to normal.” Then about two weeks ago, life spit in my face and my shoulder started hurting more. My physical therapist suggested I go to the doctor. The doctor suggested I may have an injury and I had to get an x-ray and a MRI.

I started panicking. What if I need surgery? What if I have a serious problem? If I need surgery, how would we pay our bills? Why is God letting this happen to me again? Am I being punished? Wasn't what I went through last year enough? I can't do surgery again. Tears threatened to spill and I swallowed them. Once again I started magnifying the situation. I lay down on my couch as thoughts raced.

When my husband came home, he held my hand and reminded me not to worry about the future. He told me to only worry about the present. He was right. My pain could be something simple, but by worrying about it, I was making it into a huge problem. I decided to try and focus on other stuff, like taking my dog to get her nails cut, Lou taking me to lunch, working on my writing and watching my favorite television show. Keeping my mind busy helped me push my problem aside.

I remembered what my mom told me, God never gives us more then we can handle. This was just another challenge I had to face. A challenge of my strength to face my mental illness. It's only with God's help and my inner determination I can handle what is to come.

Life is never easy and things always go wrong just when we think everything is good. Turning to my husband and friends to remind me of the positive and turning to God for help is what keeps me in the light.