I NEED YOU

Dependency can be an illness called Dependent Disorder or a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder. I believe my dependency is part of my Borderline Disorder. It's a fear that you are incapable of taking care of yourself. Due to this fear, you become dependent on others such as parents, spouse and friends.

While I lived at home with my parents, I depended on them for my meals, to make sure I took my medication, to take care of my needs and to make sure I took care of myself when I was sick. I tried moving out on my own several times. I got apartments with friends, but each time I ended up back home. I couldn't depend on these friends to take care of me and our friendships were unhealthy. I made poor choices. I didn't eat right, I went to work sick and I got depressed.

When I moved in with my ex-boyfriend, he took control of my life. I thought I needed him to control me, but I emotionally was losing control. As he told me how to spend my money, what pan to cook with and how to take care of myself, my illness deepened. When my illness became more then he could handle, he kicked me out and once again I moved back home.

I feared and fear I cannot take care of myself on my own. I hate the idea of being alone. So I lived with my parents until I got married. While living with my parents,I applied for special housing through programs based on income, and when they called to show me apartments, I made excuses not to go. My parents agreed that I should stay home until they were sure I could take care of myself better. My fear of being alone led to my inability to handle my own needs properly.

I thought I would live the rest of my life at home until I met Lou. When Lou and I married, I became dependent on him and he enjoys attending to my needs. He reminds me to take my medication, he takes care of me when I'm sick, he makes sure I eat, he helps me make important and simple decisions, he doesn't leave me alone until I go to the doctor when I need to, he helps me remember my work schedule, he texts me in the morning to make sure I get up and he has me call him to make sure I get to work safely. He pays special attention to me and I fear if he was gone I could not survive.

If Lou passed on who would take care of me? Would I die alone? Would my sisters, brother, nieces and nephews take care of me or would I be a burden?

While Lou seems to take care of me more than I do him, I am learning to take care of him. In therapy, I'm learning to fight my fear and become more independent. My future is unknown, but as long as I fight my illness I can still dance within the light.

WORSE THEN THE FLU

Withdrawal is a horrible side effect of being taken off antidepressants suddenly. I learned that you should never play with your medication or be taken off your medication without being weaned off. When your antidepressants are suddenly taken away, the body goes through something that is like the flu, but in my opinion worse. You get heat flashes, chills, shakes, nausea, muscle aches, insomnia, anxiety, dizziness, depression and irritability.

One of my psychiatrists, a while back, decided to change my antidepressants and took me completely off the ones I was on. I became very ill. I felt too sick to eat and my body shook uncontrollably. I thought I had come down with a rare flu. I began to cry without warning and I couldn't sit still. I couldn't think straight. One minute I was cold and the next I was sweating. When I called my psychiatrist, he said it was withdrawal and once I continued to take my new medication it would go away. I thought it was a normal process and suffered until the new antidepressants kicked in. Unfortunately, the symptoms got worse before they got better.

Many years later, while married to Lou, I noticed I was

having side effects from being on my medication too long. I started seeing a new psychiatrist and he had me see a neurologist to rule out any other causes. When the neurologist found nothing wrong, my psychiatrist took me completely off all the three antidepressants I was on. I got the shakes. I made mistakes at work and got suspended. I started getting hot, and no matter what I did, I couldn't cool off. I couldn't sleep. I sat up at night crying. I felt sick to my stomach, and I couldn't eat. Depression settled in.

I felt like my life was ending. Lou became very worried as I got sicker. I went to the emergency room and they treated me for dehydration, but told me I was going through withdrawal and there was nothing more they could do. The ER doctor told us I should have been slowly taken off my medication. A friend told me about a psychiatrist her husband was seeing and I decided to give him a try.

The new psychiatrist worked hard to help me get better. He tried several medications until he found one that worked for me. Each time he changed my antidepressants, he lowered the dose of my medication until I was completely weaned off without withdrawal. While he carefully took me off one antidepressant, he slowly started me on a new one.

I have been seeing this new psychiatrist for three years and he helps me avoid withdrawal. He also continues to help me soak within the light.

ENDLESS WORRYING

I've mentioned in previous blogs that I worry a lot. Recently my worrying got the best of me. My dog, Elli, started throwing up. I took her to the vet and he said she had pancreatitis. I put her on medication and a diet of rice, pasta noodles and boiled chicken for ten days. When I put her back on dog food, she started getting sick again. I got worried.

My mind went on an endless road of worry. What if she's dying? What if something else is wrong with her? What if she needs tests we can't afford? How can I make her better? What am I doing wrong? What if we go broke getting her well again? How could I handle losing another dog if she dies? What if she has cancer or some serious illness where I'd have to put her down?

My stomach began to twist like someone reached inside me and squeezed it. I began to become paranoid. When Elli made a move, I feared she was going to get sick. I started to think she was acting funny when my husband said she was fine. My muscles began to tense and I struggled to sit still.

Lou took me in his arms and said, “You have to calm down. Elli will be fine. You can talk to the veterinarian and we'll do whatever it takes to get her better, but don't worry until you talk to the vet.”

His words swam in my head, but the worries overtook them. I tried to take deep breaths, but my thoughts raced. My stomach continued to turn and I began to dry heave. I took a drink of water and attempted to focus on something positive. Lou continued to tell me Elli would be fine. The problem was I could not seem to control my worries. Before long I was over the toilet getting sick.

The next day I talked to the veterinarian, and he told me Elli has a sensitive stomach and to keep her on the noodles and rice for fourteen days. After those days were up, he would prescribe her a special food. He assured me she would be fine, just as Lou told me.

Worrying is a challenge I deal with on a daily basis. Many times my worries become magnified. I turn a small problem into a huge problem. I think I can see into the future and everything looks grim and hopeless. Many times I worry for nothing. The future always turns out better than what I predicted.

In therapy I'm working on ways to control my worries and to find ways to relax. It's a challenge, but I'm determined to overcome this challenge. When I worry I turn to my husband and friends for support. My support system reassures me everything will be okay. As long as I keep fighting, I will continue to dance within the light.