THE ROAD TO RECOVERY

Most people who are suffering with mental illness desire to reach recovery, to be happy, and to be in control of their illness. There are a few who are content in their sad world and resist any attempts to get well, but for many the need for a life within the light is a goal worth fighting for. The road to recovery is a long one that can take years and lots of hard work to reach. In the end it is a road worth taking.

The road to recovery can be dark and lonely. You might feel as if you'll never reach recovery. You might want to give up. You might feel as if it's hopeless, but it's not. It's not a fight for the weak. You may think you're not strong, but if you look deep inside yourself you'll see you're stronger then you think.

My road to recovery seemed endless. I fought it through college and found recovery only to slip back into depression several years later. I thought my life was doomed to be spent in darkness. Reaching recovery once again seemed hopeless, especially since I had fallen into an abusive relationship. Once the relationship ended I

realized, I wanted to live a normal life. In order to find happiness, I had to fight.

The road to recovery was filled with many bumps and detours. I'd find happiness only to relapse into sadness. I thought I was failing myself, but my therapist told me it was normal to have some setbacks. Before I met my husband, it seemed like the setbacks happened more often. I felt as if my life was at a dead end. Some of my friendships ended, I went to work and came home every day and after my abusive relationship, I thought no man could ever love me. Despite the road blocks I continued to fight, go to therapy, and take my medication.

Then I met my husband and my road to recovery took a turn towards the light. I suddenly had a life, respect, love, and nurturing. The road became brighter and the darkness began to fade. The sad times came less often and for a time, after we were married, life seemed perfect. Then there came some bumps in the road: the stress of work, unresolved feelings from past abuse, and excessive worries and fears that in time my husband would leave me.

With my husband's and therapist's help I faced each of those bumps one at a time, to only find more bumps. I realized I had to keep on the road which meant I had to keep fighting.

The road to recovery took place over a period of several years. Once I found recovery, true happiness and strength filled me. My therapist said I no longer needed her and I knew I was standing above the hole. The road to recovery had ended, but the road of recovery had just begun. There is much I have to do to stay well. I have to still fight my illness with new found strength; I have to take my medicine and take the necessary steps to stay well.

Even though the road to recovery only leads to a new road, I wouldn't change it for anything. I have never been as happy as I am now. I have never cared for myself as much as I do now. I have never felt as strong as I do now. I know that I will continue on this road to stay well and I will not fail. I might hit bumps and detours, but I know with help from God, my friends, my husband and my family, I can stay within the light.

THE HEARTACHE OF LOSS

Grief can come from many different losses. The loss of a friend, the loss of a job, the loss of a home, the loss of a pet, the loss of a loved one and so on. Grief can send anyone into depression, but can be doubled when you're already suffering with a mental illness. It can send someone with mental illness to the point of crisis or to the hospital. Those overwhelming feelings flood a sick person with more emotions than he or she can handle. If you're in recovery, it can trigger your illness and send you into the dark hole once again.

When I was in eighth grade and my Uncle Tim was killed by a drunk driver, I was numb, but later when my cousin died in a car accident, I fell to the deepest part of the dark hole. I had, for many years, been struggling with a deep sadness and when my cousin died, the sadness became unbearable. I became suicidal, I started injuring, and I became victim to an abusive relationship, I couldn't keep food down and I couldn't stop crying. I felt as if the person I once was died and all that was left was a walking carcass. I couldn't handle living.

Many years later, when I fell back into my depression,

a friend told me she could not handle my illness and ended our friendship, I fell apart. I cried endlessly and began injuring more often. I blamed myself for the end of our friendship and I punished myself not only physically but mentally. The feelings rushed through my body becoming devastating and I found it almost impossible to let go. I wrote her notes some pleading for her friendship back and some filled with anger and distorted thoughts.

I even grieved the loss of my abusive ex-boyfriend. I thought I was going to live the rest of my life with him. When he packed up my stuff and told me I had to leave, I lost it and stuck my hand through a window. I couldn't handle the loss and ended up in the hospital. I wasn't sure if I was grieving him or the realization I was a victim of another abusive relationship. I hated God and myself. I couldn't handle life and the thought of even existing another day. My parents and I thought the hospital was the best place for me to be.

In therapy I had to learn how to handle grief without going into a crisis. I had to realize I could survive loss and continue to go on. It did not mean that my life had ended. I also learned to turn to others for support instead of hiding my pain. My therapist taught me to feel the pain, but not let the pain take control of me. She taught me many other steps that helped me work through grief without hitting rock bottom and steps to recover from a loss. She told me I could continue to live my life after a loss. I didn't need to shut down and give up.

Grief is a powerful trigger to mental illness, but it doesn't mean it is the end of your life. It is a major change in your life, but you can go on. Learn healthy ways to deal with grief and ways to find the road to recovery without hitting rock bottom.

 

Since I learned ways to deal with grief I am much stronger. I struggle with loss like everyone else, but I no longer let it push me down the hole. I now stand in the light with confidence.

Please feel free to leave your comments and share your experience.

YOU DID IT!

When you reach the point in your recovery when your therapist says, “You're doing so well that I feel you no longer need therapy,” you jump for joy. It's the point in your life you have been waiting for, fighting for, and working towards. At one point in your life, you thought this day would never come. Maybe you thought recovery was hopeless and your life was stuck in the dark hole forever. Then you hear your therapist's voice and your mind shouts, “You did it. You took control of your illness.” Yes, it is possible.

I recently reached this point in my life. Last Wednesday my therapist told me I no longer need her services. She said, “You're doing so well I feel you can handle your illness on your own. If you ever feel the need for extra help, you are always welcome to come back.” It was all I could do to refrain from jumping up and down shouting, “Yes, I did it.” I have been going to therapy for so long that I forgot how long. I just know I have been going for years.

I celebrated by going to lunch with my husband and telling all my friends and family. Then when I got home, I had to sit down and think about this new step in my life I was about to take. Yes, I reached a very important step in my recovery, but I still have work to do. I know that even though I no longer need therapy I am not cured of my illness. I still have work to do to keep within the light.

I have to make sure I continually take my medication, I have to keep appointments with my psychiatrist, I have to be sure my support system is in place, and I have to remind myself that there will still be rough times.

I still have many fears. What if I'm not strong enough to handle the bad times? What if my therapist is wrong and I'm not ready to do this without professional help? What if I fall in the hole again? Can I handle my illness all by myself?

I talked out my fears with my husband and he reminded me I am not alone. I'm no longer fighting my illness with the guidance of a therapist, but with the support of my husband, friends and family. He also reassured me I am strong enough to handle the symptoms of my illness. If I wasn't I would have never made it to this point in my life. Through years of therapy I have learned many methods and ways to cope and to push forward.

Ending therapy for me life changing. It's a chance to step out in the real world and live a normal life. For the first time in my life I can actually say I am happy and able to face whatever lies before me.

This point of recovery is possible for you, too. Even though recovery is possible, there is no cure for mental illness, but you can be happy and strong enough to handle whatever faces you. To reach this point in your recovery, you must fight and work hard. You must learn to believe in yourself and to love yourself enough to want to find happiness. Fight for yourself.

I'm excited to take the first steps into my new life. With my strength, my support partners and skills I have learned, I know I will be able to stand tall within the light.

WHAT'S YOUR TRIGGER?

Since major depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, there is no one thing in your life that causes your sadness. However, there are many things that trigger you to fall deeper into your hole, and while in recovery, there are things that can stir up those dark feelings again. These triggers are different stressors, thought patterns, or events in your life that are hard to handle. When you're in recovery it's important to know what triggers the depression within you.

When I was in college, I had many triggers that sent me deeper into my hole: Studying long hours to work around my learning disability put extra stress in my life and often made me lonely. Dealing with an abusive friendship made me feel even more worthless. Facing grief from my cousin's death increased my sadness. Each of these pushed me to a point of crisis. I fell to the deepest spot within my hole. Each of these triggers caused my soul to ache, and to relieve that pain, I injured.

In my adulthood, I found more triggers pushing me into darkness. Dealing with finances made me worry endlessly and become anxious. Making mistakes at work sent my mind racing, and caused tears and sadness to fill me. Bad relationships pushed me deeper into the darkness. My attempts to move out of my parents' home, only to end up back home, triggered more anguish and tears.

I learned in therapy and in a support group to identify the triggers that pushed me deeper into my depression. Then I had to learn how to face those triggers and work around them to reach for recovery. I ended friendships that were unhealthy. I continually work on ways to handle finances without worrying too much. I keep customer compliments in my journal, and when I make a mistake at work, I read them to remind me I am a good cashier. I put limits on how much I can handle at once and I found ways to deal with stress.

Knowing what triggers emotional episodes with my Borderline Personality Disorder also became important in my process of recovery. Some triggers are disagreements with friends or family members, unhealthy relationships, highly emotional situations, unreleased anger, fear of abandonment, and stress.

Find out what your triggers are and create an action plan to handle them. You might call a friend, pamper yourself, remind yourself of the positive things in your life, distance yourself from the situation or people who are causing you sadness, communicate feelings, and so on. Find what works best for you.

When you are in recovery, it's important to know the warning signs of your depression or mental illness being triggered. See, recovery does not mean you're cured, but you're in remission like with cancer. Certain triggers can stir your mental illness, and knowing the warning signs and how to handle them can help you stay above the hole.

Here are some warning signs that you are being drawn into sadness: Sudden spells of crying, racing thoughts, being sad for no reason, being unable to enjoy things that once made you happy, mood swings and becoming withdrawn. Figure out your warning signs and triggers and write them down. Share them with your support system so they can help you stay above the hole.

Knowing my triggers and warning signs and having an action plan helps me stay within the light.