IS THERE A REASON FOR YOUR SADNESS?

Recently, I told a friend's aunt that her nephew was depressed. The aunt asked, “What does he have to be depressed about?” I bit my tongue. I wanted to yell at her, but I kindly explained he has an illness. This simple comment shows that many people are uneducated about major depression and mental illness. Why? Because a person suffering with depression could have everything going for him or her and still be depressed. Sometimes the depressed person may not even know why he or she is sad.

Major depression is not the same thing as getting down because you lost a job, your dog died, your family member died, or you can't pay your mortgage. In these cases, you know why you're depressed and you will be able to pull yourself out of it. With major depression, you may think your whole life sucks, but actually you have a wonderful life. With major depression, you could start crying and not know why or you may wake up feeling down without a reason, and no matter what you do, the sadness won't go away. Major depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain altering your mood.

There have been times I started crying and my husband wrapped his arms around me and asked me what was wrong. All I could say was, “I'm depressed.” I couldn't tell him why because there was no logical reason for my sadness. I'm married to a loving and compassionate man, I have a good job, we own our own home, and I have many friends and a loving family. So what reason did I have to be depressed? I had none. I just had this deep darkness growing inside me and I couldn't explain it.

School was rough, but I grew up with very loving parents, wonderful grandparents, and a fun childhood. Still, a deep sadness lingered within me, a sadness I couldn't shake. The teasing in school and lack of friends deepened my sadness, but did not cause it. As a child, I didn't know what was wrong with me. I just knew I couldn't shake the dark cloud that lingered over me.

Even in the summer time when I was out of school and away from those that put me down, I was sad. I fought with my brother and cried often. Playing outside with my siblings and cousins didn't even brighten my spirits. When I was asked, “What do you have to be sad about?” I couldn't answer. I didn't even know why.

When I got older and started seeing a therapist, I was diagnosed with major depression. My therapist said the chemical imbalance in my brain was making me depressed. Events that happened in my life only added to my depression, but did not cause it. She told me medication will help balance those chemicals and therapy would help correct the bad thinking that I developed while depressed. She was right. With medication and therapy, I am in recovery.

When you talk to a friend who is depressed, don't ask him or her “What do you have to be depressed about?” Instead lend him or her a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and encouragement to get help.

You may not know why you're sad but you can with help reach for recovery. It's a struggle to become well again, but it is worth fighting for. With medication and therapy, I now live a happy life within the light.

HOLIDAY BLUES

Holiday blues can happen to anyone. The stress of paying bills, coming up with money for gifts, fixing big meals, dealing with family, or lack of family and so on can take a toll on a person. When you suffer from mental illness, the holidays can send you deeper into your hole. All the special things that make the holidays joyous only leave a person who is ill feeling empty and sad. The stress of the holidays can be so overwhelming for the person that he or she could shut down and avoid the holidays completely.

As a child I found myself more depressed around the holidays. I became sad, irritable, and withdrawn. I fought with my sisters and brother more and found myself crying easily. It didn't help that my classmates got me gag gifts for Christmas. I tried to remind myself what the purpose of the holidays was. Thanksgiving was to be thankful for the things I did have and Christmas was Jesus' birthday, but that wasn't enough to lift my spirits. I just could not find the joy of the holidays within my soul. No matter how hard I tried, all I could see was darkness.

When I got older and once again fell into the hole, the holidays became overwhelming and depressing. Having more responsibilities as an adult, such as paying bills, buying gifts and facing family, was to much too handle. Especially when my insides were twisted with over flowing emotions. I couldn't make simple decisions about my life, let alone decide on a gift.

The little things about the holidays, like watching my nieces and nephews opening gifts, couldn't even shine a light into my darkness. I tried to get in the spirit, but being unable to find even a glimpse of joy made me more depressed. How could I be thankful when my life was dark and sad? How could I praise Jesus' birth when God let me suffer so badly? No one seemed to understand why I couldn't be happy, and that made me feel as if I were all alone.

See, when you're suffering from mental illness, nothing seems the same. Things that once made you happy no longer shine light into your soul. Knowing you can't shake the darkness to just enjoy one special day only deepens your depression. You want to laugh and smile like everyone else, but no matter how hard you try you can't.

It took me a while to find the happiness within the holidays. First, I had to find the right medication to ease the symptoms of my illness. Then, I had to go to therapy and learn to change my way of thinking. Next, I had to fight to reach for recovery. Finally, I had to let God into my life and into the celebration of the holidays.

Now that I have reached recovery and found God, the holidays glow with magic. When I get down around the holidays, I remind myself God is with me and I have so much to be grateful for. Finding the joy within the holidays keeps me within the light.

Leave your ideas for another blog post and your experience in the comments. I would love to hear from you.

THROUGH THE EYES OF A TRUE FRIEND

While struggling with mental illness, it is good to have good friends for support partners. Friends can be there during the darkest points of your illness and there in recovery. I decided to ask my dearest friend, who saw me during my roughest times and best times of my illness, what it was like to be at my side and how she coped with my illness.

This friend is Cheryl Miller and she saved my life many times and continues to cheer me on while in recovery. I asked Cheryl, “What's it like dealing with a friend with a serious mental illness?”

Cheryl replied, “It can be scary when the friend with the mental illness is fully in an episode such as when I had to pull Aimee out of the street so she wouldn't get run over. But if the friend is in recovery, it can be quite rewarding because the friend finds joy in a lot of things she may not have when deep into her illness.”

I asked, “What suggestions do you have to help a friend in a crisis?”

Cheryl answered, “Help the friend take advantage of all the help available around her, including trusting friends and family. Also help her to distinguish herself from her illness, to give the illness its own little name. That way the friend won't feel so much like she is defined by or as their illness.”

My next question was, “How do you stay positive when your friend is so depressed?”

Cheryl answered, “I just try to be there for my friend to the best of my ability. Since I have always liked helping people, I stay positive in the fact that the friend will fight through the depths of her depression with my help.”

I asked Cheryl, “How do you keep your friend positive?”

Cheryl replied, “By doing my best to direct their attention to more positive things. And getting her to the point of laughter helps, too.”

I also asked, “What is the best thing you can do for your friend when you notice she is having problems?”

Cheryl answered, “Talk to her, be there for her, be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. If you aren't able to offer that, then help her find someone who can.”

Finally I asked Cheryl, “What's the best advice you can give to someone dealing with a friend who is ill?”

Cheryl replied, “ Just be there for her, let her know she is loved and that she matters. Have patience and just do your best to help her through the rough times. If you feel too overwhelmed, then find someone who can offer those things.”

Having a good friend like Cheryl helped make the dark hole a little easier to face. All though Cheryl and I lost contact for a while, we reconnected and our friendship remains strong. She is still at my side and continues to support me. Cheryl helps me stay within the light.

Leave any suggestions for a blog post in the comments and let me know about your experiences with your illness.

BE THANKFUL

Many times while we're depressed, we forget to be grateful for the things we do have in our life. We often think we have nothing good in our lives. We see the worst side of everything and we believe there isn't anything to be thankful for. How can we be thankful for the darkness that blankets our souls?

There is more to our lives than the illness that plagues our minds. We need to open our eyes and look at what we do have, and I don't mean just material things. God placed many people in our life to help us survive.

When I was depressed, I felt as if I was being tortured. How could I thank God for that? My mom often said I saw the glass half empty. I did. I saw the negative side to the world about me, and when Thanksgiving came around I felt more depressed. What did I have to be grateful for? I was sick with anxiety, I was depressed, my emotions were out of control, I couldn't sleep and my existence seemed hopeless.

What I couldn't see was I had a lot to be thankful for. I had and still have loving parents, wonderful grandparents, caring siblings, a home, friends, food to eat, and much more. Most importantly I had lots of love surrounding me.

My grandpa always said the richest people in the world are people who have family, friends, and love. It took me a while to let those words sink into my dark soul and see he was right. In the process of recovery, I had to learn to see the glass full. I became very grateful for just being alive. If I actually had taken my life, there is so much I would have missed out on, like my nieces and nephews, finding my true love, and finding happiness.

This Thanksgiving I am thankful I am still in recovery, I have a aunt and uncle and cousins on my husband's side who have opened there hearts to me, I have my parents, my grandma, a wonderful husband, my many nieces and nephews, my dog, my sibling, my happiness, friends, love and much more. With all I have, I believe I am one of the richest persons in the world. I might not have much money, but I'm rich in love.

So this Thanksgiving season stop looking at all the bad things you have in your life and look at the precious gifts God has given you. Write a list of the things you are thankful for. Tell the people around you how grateful you are for them. Remember, family isn't always the one you were born into. Family can be really good friends who love and support you.

This Thanksgiving and all year long, I thank God for all I have. Being thankful helps me remember what I could have missed out on if I had taken my life or never reached recovery. I thank everyone who supports me, who loves me, and who care for me. Being thankful helps me stand within the light.

TAKING CONTROL OF THE FIRE

When the fire of Borderline Personality sparks, many feelings and thoughts fill your mind and body. As the thoughts and emotions spill into the fire like gasoline, the fire grows and grows until it becomes out of control. Suddenly you're in an emotional episode. The fire is so powerful you feel paralyzed. You fear it will never stop.

Borderline Personality Disorder makes you feel emotions much more strongly than others do. If you let your emotions turn into an inferno, you have lost control. However, by taking steps, you can stop the fire before it burns everything within you and leaves ashes and destruction in its path.

In a Borderline support group I learned skills to help get through an episode.

First I needed to observe what is happening within me without trying to change or control it. I noticed the emotions building up and I noticed how they were igniting the fire. I was tempted to distort them, change them and control them, but I had to resist. I needed to just observe.

Then I learned to stop and take a step back from the intensity of my emotions. I would take deep breaths through my nose and release them out my mouth. I would try to focus on a picture or object that was calming to me. Listening to relaxing music or doing breathing exercises are helpful.

Next, I looked at my behavior. When the fire is burning I scream, cry, throw things, cuss and spit out angry words at the people I love the most. Then I looked at my emotions. Many times my emotions were out of control, they hurt, and at times they seem to control my actions. It is also important to look at your thoughts. During an episode my thoughts were negative, self-hating and angry. My thoughts also became very painful as if they were knives being stabbed into my soul over and over again.

Finally, I got some distance from my episode. I acknowledged that I have an illness, but I am not my illness. I found taking a walk calming. Journaling about my thoughts and emotions helped me release my them without igniting the fire further. Sometimes going out to dinner or to a movie helped me get away from the place where the emotions seemed to ignite. Being in a public place distracted me. Sitting home is where my emotions at times seemed the strongest.

Take control of the fire before it burns everything within you. Don't live within the aftermath of your illness. Find a therapist or support group that can teach you skills to cope with your illness. You can take control of your illness and live a happy life.

Learning these skills and many more has allowed me to stand up to my illness and take control. I no longer have emotional episodes, and because of the skills I have acquired, I live within the light.

I found these skills and many more in A Systems Approach To Treatment: Borderline Personality Disorder Skill Training Manual by Norman E. Bartels, M.P.A and Theresa D. Crotty, L.C.S.W.

 

Let me know about your experiences with mental illness by leaving a comment.

Next week there will not be a blog post because I will be out of town for the holidays. Please check back December 1 for a new blog post. Enjoy your Thanksgiving and be grateful for all God has given you.

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

We all have fears, and sometimes those fears are overwhelming. Sometimes fears become debilitating and, at times, turn into phobias. Fears can hold us back from living normal lives or trying things that are new to us. Sometimes our fears can stand in the way of our own happiness. When we suffer with mental illness, those fears can be magnified by our illness, create more sadness or stand in the way of our recovery.

I have a phobia of being held down or trapped beneath something. I use to panic when, as a kid, we piled on top of each other. I'd scream and cry, my chest would tighten and I'd struggle to get free. I always had to be on top of the dog pile. Some people have phobias of closed-in spaces, of spiders, of heights and so on. Phobias are a very serious type of fear.

In school, I developed a phobia of teachers, and that transferred into my adult years as a fear of anyone in authoritative positions. When I started working at a grocery store, anytime I had to talk to a manger, I had to struggle to force the words to part my lips. My hands trembled, my heart raced and I felt sick. I put up with other employees treating me unfairly because I was too scared to ask a manager for help. I couldn't even ask the personnel manager for a form for the dentist.

I felt helpless and useless. By not asking for help I allowed myself to become a victim. I fell deeper into my sadness and began to hate myself more. I worked hard while a fellow employee stood around talking. Managers seemed like monsters who would gobble me up. Just saying hi to them seemed impossible.

My biggest fear is being alone. I hung on to abusive relationships when I should have let go because I couldn't handle the idea of having no one. My husband and I chose not to have children, but I fear what will happen if my husband passes before me. We have no children for me to move in with or to help me out. Will my siblings want to bother with me? Will my nieces and nephews be there for me? Will I be put in a home with no visitors and no one who cares I'm alive?

This fear kept me in bad relationships and made it impossible for me to live by myself. I moved into apartments with the wrong people and ended up moving home. I lived at home with my parents even though I applied for programs to get apartments based on my income. I became dependent on my parents and feared what would happen to me in the future if my parents passed on and if I never found my true love.

In therapy, I learned to stand up to my fears and take control of them. I learned that managers are not evil monsters. Even though I still get nervous around managers, I now turn to them when I need help. I'm still working on facing my fear of being alone. I try not to look at the future. I thank God for what I do have and I reassure myself the Lord will never leave me by myself. Learning to stand up to my fears helps me dance within the light.

HEALING THROUGH WRITING

Many famous writers suffered with mental illness, such as Charles Dickens, Edgar Allen Poe, Virginia Woolf, T.S. Eliot and Earnest Hemingway. Hidden within many people who suffer with mental illness is the ability to write. You can use this ability to help you heal and reach recovery. Even if writing is not your strong point, you can still use writing as a process of healing by journaling or writing for yourself.

Writing about your struggles with mental illness and describing what you have gone through can release deep emotions. It can free your soul of pent up feelings and can help you rediscover yourself. The process of writing about my mental illness and the harassment I received in school released feelings I had been holding within me for many years. While I write I cry, I get angry, I grieve and then I let go of all those buried emotions.

I'm writing a memoir about the harassment I received in school and how I found love, comfort and acceptance at our family garage. Writing the scenes about the abuse at school has brought back many painful memories and is allowing me to find closure. I pour all of me into those memories, and in the process I open up forgotten pains. By opening up these emotions, I allow my past wounds to heal, buried emotions to be released and new strength to be found.

Writing my blog is not just to educate and to reach out to others who have mental illness, but it is also healing for me. It helps me deal with the struggles I have faced and I still face. I put all of me into each word of my blog. I spill out my heart and soul, and by doing that I find strength, release and most importantly, relief. My blog also reminds me of the things I need to do to stay within the light.

Our own writing can also show others how to help us heal. My blog posts educate my friends and they use my blog to help me when I am struggling with the symptoms of my illness. I tease my friends about using my blogs against me, but I am glad I have taught them how to be able to support me.

So, write to rediscover yourself, to release emotions, to heal past pains and to reach for the light. Even if you never share your writing with anyone else, it is still healing. If your struggling with your illness write to get your trapped feelings out and share them with someone who can assist you in finding help.

For those who write to share with the world, writing about your experiences also educates others and shows people with the same problems they are not alone. By putting my story into words I have found the light of recovery stronger and old wounds have healed and are still healing.

FORGIVING IS HEALING

One of the hardest things to do is to forgive someone who has betrayed you or hurt you. Holding onto the anger and hate you have towards that person is much easier, but it is harmful. You are hurting yourself and preventing yourself from reaching recovery by holding onto your ill feelings. Even if you don't tell the person you forgive him or her, you must forgive him or her within your soul in order to heal. You must also be able to forgive yourself.

For years after my friendship ended with the girl who abused me I held on to my anger and hate towards her. It ate at me like a plague. Not only could I not forgive her for what she did, but I also could not forgive myself for allowing her to hurt me. I should have stopped her. I should have been strong enough to say no. The anger, hate, and self-loathing blocked my view of the light at the top of the hole.

When I got into an abusive relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I found myself falling further into the darkness. When he packed my stuff and threw me out, the anger doubled. How could he abuse me? How could I ever forgive him for what he did? The sight of him brought tears, and emotions bubbled deep within me. I vowed I would never allow a man to hurt me like that again. My anger towards him and my ex-friend weighed heavily on my heart. It brought inability to trust, anger, self-loathing and depression.

I swore off men for several years. How could I trust another man after what my ex did to me? I put my friends at a distance. I lost many friends because I drove them away with my insecurities about their loyalty to me. I hated myself for allowing others to abuse me and this deepened my sadness.

In therapy my therapist had me write a note to the people who abused me, telling them how I felt about what they did to me and telling them I forgave them. She told me to burn the note and allow those feelings to go up in smoke. So I wrote a two page note to each person, spilling out all my emotions. I was able to free myself from what had happened to me. As I lit the notes on fire, I felt the chains around my soul loosen and fall away. I was free.

My therapist explained to me that I was ill and unable to fight off my abusers. I was not to blame for what they did to me. With her help, I was able to see I didn't need to forgive myself because I didn't do anything wrong. I was a victim. For myself, I was able to forgive my abusers and let myself off the hook.

By allowing myself to forgive my abusers, I was able to let go of a lot of bad feelings. Even though I never got a chance to tell them to their faces, I was able to forgive and this became a very important part of my healing process. By letting go of those stored up feelings I found the climb up out of my dark hole easier. Because I learned to forgive, I have healthier relationships with friends and with my husband.

Forgive for yourself. Allow yourself to heal and reach for the light. Because I was able to forgive, within me I now dance in the rays of a joyous light.

TRADING MINDS

Have you noticed that you have experienced some of the symptoms of mental illness in your life, but you don't have mental illness? Do you wonder how the same things you have struggled with affect someone with mental illness differently? When my friend asked me how it was different for me, I told her to multiply her experience by 3.

Everyone has suffered with a period of sadness, struggled at a time with self-esteem, worried too much and made things out to be worse than they are. Many symptoms of mental illness are things people face during the course of their lives, but there is a difference when you experience them on a regular basis.

For me the symptoms of depression and borderline were intense, painful and at times debilitating. The darkness of my hole spread throughout my soul and my body. The darkness nearly drained the breath from my lungs. My emotions hurt worse than a root canal and I felt as if I had no control over my feelings and actions. At times I forgot what happiness was and I wondered if I had ever felt it.

Getting out of bed became a struggle, sleeping was hopeless, making decisions seemed impossible and even eating became a challenge. I cried over the smallest things. I tried watching funny movies to only fall deeper into the hole. I couldn't enjoy the company of friends and family. My writing, my biggest passion, couldn't even shine a light within soul.

Imagine feeling your sad moments so intensely that no matter what you do, you can't pull yourself out of it. Imagine worrying so much that it engulfs your every thought and churns your stomach until you're sick. Sick to the stomach and sick within the body with aching muscles, tight chest and gasps for air. Imagine seeing a problem so big it makes you want to curl up in a ball and pray you could just slip away. This is what mental illness was like for me.

Even now while I am in recovery, I struggle with some of the intensity of the symptoms of mental illness. The difference is I am stronger and I know how to ask for help when I'm not strong enough. My worrying becomes overpowering at times and even my sleeping medication doesn't work when I'm worrying. That's when I turn to my husband and he reassures me and helps me find comfort.

When you face a bad day and are able to pull yourself up with a smile and a funny movie, think of the many who cannot recover so easily. Step into the mind of someone who is struggling with mental illness and be glad for the light that shines in your life. Lend a shoulder to someone who is struggling, and even though it is overwhelming, let him or her know you care. People who have mental illness feel the same things you do, but much more intensely.

Even though sometimes my feelings become overwhelming, I now have control and friends and family who help me stay within the light.

DO YOU BLOCK YOUR OWN JOY?

Sometimes we prevent our own joy by the way we think. We let our own interpretations of our lives and the things around us stand as a wall between sadness and happiness. We think things like, “How can I enjoy my job when people are so rude?” or “I can't enjoy my life because I'm too shy.” We find ways to block out the joy in our lives by hiding behind excuses for our lack of happiness. These excuses are called joy blockers.

Sometimes we do things to block our own joy such as blaming others, diminishing ourselves, complaining about the things around us, finding everything boring, finding ourselves virtuous if we deny ourselves what makes us happy and comparing yourself unfavorable to others.

I found the joy blocker I used often was diminishing myself. I couldn't find joy because I thought I was too ugly and a burden to men. How could I be happy if I was too ugly for any man to want to date or build a life with? Who would want me if I was too much to handle? I figured I'd spend my life alone. If I wasn't good enough for a man, then I believed I would never find happiness. After several failed relationships, my diminished view of myself increased.

I couldn't be happy if I was good for nothing. I spent my life listening to others say I was useless, and at times that became a belief of my own. I used it as an excuse to stay within the darkness. For years I figured my unhappiness was because I became nothing but a cashier. I was a nobody just like everyone thought I would be. I went to college and yet I had no skills or abilities to do anything but work in a grocery store. How could I ever be happy as a failure?

I also used the joy blocker called delayer. When I was in college, I believed I couldn't be happy until I got a communications degree and a good paying job. I concentrated on obtaining them and believed I could never find joy until I reached my goal. After I became an adult, I believed I would never be happy until I lived on my own and had a husband. I thought living at home with my parents was the cause of my sadness.

In therapy my therapist gave me a list of joy blockers and I was able to see that I was blocking the light from shining into my dark hole. I learned to look at the positive qualities about myself and change my negative thinking. I also learned to concentrate on the things I did have instead of dwelling on the things I didn't have. I found joy was all around me once I was willing to let it in.

By being happy with how I reach out to my customers, I realized I am successful. Being grateful for good friends led me on a blind date, which is how I met my husband. Knowing that I have a job, a home and my bills are paid brings me joy. By no longer looking at what I don't have and finding the positive within myself I am able to bathe in the light.

DON'T LABEL YOURSELF

We all get mad at ourselves when we make mistake. We think to ourselves, “How dumb of me to do such a thing?” Then we let it go and forget about it, but if you're struggling with mental illness, you can't let it go. You turn your mistake into a label you place upon yourself. You think, “I screwed up. I'm a dumb idiot.” This kind of thinking is a cognitive distortion called labeling. You automatically think the worse of yourself for a simple human error.

During my struggles with mental illness, I fell into this type of thinking. In college if I failed a test, I thought of myself as a loser. Anything less than a passing grade meant that I was no good. This thinking pushed me deeper into my dark hole. It made me hate myself even more. I pushed myself to study harder, leaving little time for a social life. I became obsessed with my school work. I couldn't sleep, eat or think straight. I couldn't accept a failing grade as just a human error. I saw my bad grade as a definition of who I was.

When I couldn't pass calculus to graduate from college

or meet the requirements to get the degree I wanted, I called myself a worthless failure. I was able to take a test to prove I was learning disabled and the college waved calculus to allow me to graduate, but I had to settle for humanities degree instead of a communications degree. I couldn't get past the label that I was a failure. I still struggle with that label. I worked hard for my degree, yet I believe I failed. I tell everyone I have a communications degree, because I fear they, too, will think I'm a failure.

What I couldn't see and what I must continually remind myself is that I did not fail and I am not a failure. I worked hard around my disability and mental illness to graduate with an associate degree in humanities. My classmates and grade school teachers thought I would never go to college and yet I did and I graduated with good grades. By labeling myself, I clouded my own view of my success. I couldn't see I was and am successful.

 While struggling with depression, I couldn't allow myself to be human without placing a label on myself. If my drawer came up short at work, I thought I was too stupid to be a cashier. I couldn't see that I just made a mistake. I became my own enemy. I labeled myself just like the kids did when I was in school.

In therapy I learned to see my errors as me being human instead of labeling myself. Sometimes I still revert to labeling and I have to remind myself we all make mistake. Learning how to stop putting a label on myself and to stop myself when I do label myself keeps me dancing within the light.

ARE YOU BEING ABUSED?

Abuse, verbal or physical, can happen to anyone. It could be peer abuse, boyfriend abuse, friend abuse, parental abuse or spousal abuse. Anyone is capable of being hurt by another person. What leads a person to harm another person is incomprehensible. We'll never understand it, but we can learn ways to protect ourselves from it and to escape it. Someone with mental illness can become prey to abusers. The mentally ill are often weak and unable to defend themselves.

When my uncle died my senior year of high school, a close friend saw it as an opportunity to hurt me. I was sick and desperate for friendship. I was willing to endure whatever it took to keep my friendship and avoid being left alone. My friend abused me verbally and in other ways. The longer the abuse went on, the sicker and blinder I became, but yet I could not let go. The only thing I could think about was how horrible I felt inside, and I believed my friend when she said our friendship was special.

When I started to have problems again, I fell in love with a man whom I thought I would marry. When I moved in with him, I fell deeper into my depression. He began controlling me. There was a certain frying pan I couldn't use because he said I would ruin it, he insisted on coming to my therapy appointments and doing most of the talking. He used my money to spend foolishly. He told me my cooking wasn't good enough. He said I was a failure because I didn't get the degree I wanted in college. He put me down continuously and he abused me in other ways. I was too sick to see what he was doing to me until he kicked me out and I was hospitalized.

I was also abused by my classmates in school when they put me down on a daily basis and by the teachers who also degraded me. During my illness I became the subject of many bad relationships. One friend stole money from me, while another one asked me to move in with her and her husband and then started finding fault with everything I did. The friendships ignited my illness and pushed me into the hole. I found myself too weak to fight back.

Because of my Borderline Personality Disorder I became attached to my abusers and I couldn't see what they were doing to me. I couldn't let go of them even when deep down I knew something was wrong. The tighter I held on, the darker my soul became. They ended my relationships when my illness became too much to handle.

In therapy I learned the signs of abuse and how to walk away. If you're being abused, find help, talk to someone you trust and don't be afraid to walk away. No one deserves to be abused. Remember verbal abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse. Call the national abuse hot line for domestic abuse 1-800-7233. If you're being abused by a friend or classmate, turn to someone you can trust.

I survived my abuse and have found a very loving husband. It is the love of my husband that has raised me above the abuse I underwent and allows me to soak within the light.

KEEPING THE MIND BUSY

When you have a lot of time to think, the mind wanders. When the mind wanders, it can come up with a lot of negativity, scenarios, worries and just plain old over thinking. We all have problems with a wandering mind, but when you're mentally ill, the wandering mind leads to deeper anxiety, stress and depression. The more a person is left to his or her thoughts, the worse the thoughts can become.

When your mind starts aimlessly wandering, it's important to find an activity to keep it busy. You need to focus on something other than the problems in your life and the sadness within you. It's not easy to try and just focus on the positive when you can see nothing, but negativity. When you can't stop your thoughts, you need to find something else to distract them. Hobbies and crafts are good ways to distract the mind.

When I was ill, I took up cross stitching. Focusing on each stitch blocked the unwanted thoughts. It also comforted me. The prospects of making my work into something beautiful brightened my spirit. It gave me a positive thing to look forward to. I also did woodburnings.

I started writing stories in school as a way to escape the pain of my life and to keep my mind busy. My writing was something I could control the outcome of. I could create new worlds and turn sad stories into happy ones.

Here are some ways you can keep your mind busy and distract those negative thoughts:

• Cross Stitching
• Woodburning
• Crocheting
• Singing
• Writing
• Knitting
• Going out with positive friends
• Talking to a friend
• Watching a humorous movie
• Exercising
• Putting a puzzle together
• Doing housework
• Reading

The point is to find something that you like to do that will keep the mind from wandering, but make sure it's something positive. Taking up drinking and drugs to clear the mind can give you temporary relief, but send you into a major downfall after wards. You need to find something which will help you climb out of the hole and to stay within the light.

Even though I am in recovery, when I find my mind wandering towards negativity and I get my cross stitching out or get busy working on writing my memoir. Going to work each day also keeps my thoughts from wandering. Keeping my mind busy helps me stay within the light.

WORDS HURT

You know the saying, “Stick and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me”? Well, it's not true. It's just a silly saying to try to make people feel better, but words do hurt. Name calling, rumors, lies and plain old bullying, causes wounds deep within the soul. These wounds could take years and lots of counseling to heal. Bullying can contribute or lead to mental illness in children and teenagers.

Bullying, started in first grade for me. I had a learning disability and my classmates and even teachers considered me stupid. Each day I faced my classmates calling me a retard, dummy, loser, stupid and so on. They harassed me at school, on the bus and when they walked past my home. They threw stones at me, poured cologne down my back and put “kick me” signs on my back. My teachers said they felt sorry for me because I would never be smart enough to be worth anything in the future. They assigned classmates to give me answers on tests.

The name calling gnawed at my insides. At night I rolled around struggling to sleep and when I did sleep, nightmares haunted me. I began to hate myself and believe that my classmates and teachers were right: I was worthless. Darkness filled me as I faced school and went home afterwords, crying. I learned to keep quiet at school. The less I talked, the better chance I had of not being teased about how I talked or what I said.

The bullying ripped at my heart and soul and a deep sadness settled in. I struggled to make it from day to day. I lost interest in things that used to bring me joy and I began to see the bad side to everything around me. I felt that my life was hopeless and I was useless.

It wasn't until I got older that I realized I suffered from depression most of my childhood. The bullying throughout elementary and high school pushed me deeper into my depression. I also believe it is the root of my Borderline Personality Disorder. In my adult years, I had to learn how to undo the damage my classmates and teachers did. My therapist helped me find ways to heal my wounds and reach for recovery.

Therapy helped me heal my wounds, but it couldn't take away my scars. I still have scars no one can see, but I am much stronger. Sometimes I fall back into that negative thinking I learned in school, but I have my husband to remind me there is a positive side to everything.

Bullying hurts and opens up wounds within the soul, but with counseling those wounds can heal. That's why it's important to support your child and get him or her help as soon as possible. With help, I found God's healing touch through therapy and I stand above those who put me down, dancing within the light.

GOD'S HELPING HAND

I think everyone has heard the story about the guy who was drowning and asked God to save him. Boats came along to help him and he refused because he said he was waiting for God to help him. When he drowned he asked God why he didn't help him. God told him he had sent him boats. God sends us help in the same way in our own lives. We have to choose whether or not to take it. In our struggles with mental illness, God sends us help. He gives us therapists, psychiatrists, medication, determination, strength, courage and much more.

In my last blog, I talked about determination. Determination is a gift from God. He placed it deep within us all and we just have to decide to use it. He gave us many gifts such as this. He gave us strength to fight and the courage to push forward. These are more than just gifts; they are God reaching down, giving us a helping hand.

While I was ill, I was like that man drowning. God kept reaching out and I kept turning away. I stopped going to church, I focused on taking my life, and I doubted his existence. I turned away from anything and anyone who had something to do with God. I lay at the bottom of the hole, dwelling in my pain, thinking God had abandoned me, so I figured I was going to do the same to him. I couldn't see that God was sending me a rope to climb my way out. I was like that man who was drowning. I refused God's help.

I was determined to prove I wasn't stupid in school, but I refused to use my determination to climb out of my hole. God gave me loving parents and grandparents to help me through my illness, but I hid my deep sadness from them. I lived with my grandparents and put a smile on for them while quietly injuring and attempting suicide behind their backs. My mom confronted me about wounds she saw on my arms and I lied to her. God gave me strength to face my illness, but I refused to use it.

It wasn't until I found pamphlets on depression that I was willing to reach out for the rope. God sent me help and slowly step by step I started using it. I turned to my mom who worked hard to find me a good therapist. I found my buried strength, courage and determination to work towards recovery. I spent several years in recovery before becoming ill again.

It wasn't until I met my friend Kelly, who helped me ask God into my life, that I could see all the times God sent me help. The closer I came to knowing God ,the more I realized that all the strength, courage, determination, good therapists, good psychiatrists, friends and family who helped me reach recovery were God's helping hands and his gifts to help me.

So open your eyes, reach out for the lifelines, and know that God is there sending you his help. I'm dancing in the light because of God.

HOW DO YOU DEFINE DETERMINATION?

In many of my blogs, I mentioned determination, but I have not talked about what determination is. How do you define determination? Is it the ability to make it through one more day of sadness? Is it the choice to face daily struggles? Is it the ability to stand up to life's challenges? Or is it how you stand up to all of these challenges?

To me determination is to face life's challenges with all the strength and willpower within you. It's not giving up when everything around you seems dark and hopeless. It's pushing forward when you feel as if you cannot go on anymore. It's surpassing all odds and reaching forward when others have lost faith in you. Determination is the key to recovery from many disabilities, illness, and specially mental illness.

In grade school and high school, I struggled with a learning disability. My classmates and teachers thought I wasn't smart enough to pass my classes or to have a future. I decided to prove them wrong. In high school, I found way to work around my disability and pass my classes with A's. I pushed forward against all odds and graduated with scholarships and honors. I decided I was going to prove to my classmates, teachers, and the world I was not stupid. With determination, I went to college, earned a degree, and held a job for twenty years.

I applied this same determination to my mental illness. My life seemed hopeless and the dark hole endless. I lost faith in myself and when I was hospitalized, I dug deep down inside for the strength to climb out of the hole. I decided I did not want to live my life in darkness. I wanted to find happiness and to live a normal life. I felt like I was dying inside, but I pushed through it to reach towards the light. I mustered up all the strength I could to stand up to my illness. I pushed onward even though I could barely get out of bed or face the next day. It was the hardest challenge I ever had to face, but with determination, I reached recovery.

I'm now using all my inner strength to face physical health problems and to keep within the light. It would be easy to get depressed at the thought of facing another surgery and waking up each day with pain, but I will push forward.

It's determination that has helped me through all my life challenges and has helped me grow into the person I am. If you're not determined enough to stand up to your illness against all odds, then you'll sit at the bottom of the hole in complete darkness. Stand up, take control of your life and your illness. Push forward against all odds and climb the walls of the hole. Because of my determination, I stand at the top of the hole and I bathe in the light of happiness.

WHAT IS SUCCESS?

Success can be measured in many ways. Some measure it by their highly important jobs, how many expensive possessions they own, or how much money they make. Others think you're successful if you have won a lot of awards or achieved the highest promotion. I define success in a different way: success is when you stand up to an illness, when you achieve goals you set for yourself, when you can hold a job even when others think you can't, and when you make small steps towards recovery.

While struggling with mental illness, I found even the smallest steps I took could be considered acts of success. Forcing myself to get out of bed and go to work when I was falling apart inside was an accomplishment. Taking a friend's challenge to go a year without injuring was success. Admitting I had an illness and finding help was an accomplishment. Each small step I took towards getting well I relished and celebrated because those were the hardest steps in my life I had to take.

Recently I celebrated twenty years at my job. It's not a prestigious job, but it is a good job. I've worked through deep depression and cried in the bathroom. I faced customers with a smile, when I was contemplating my death. A therapist and friends told me I should go on disability, but I refused. I wanted to work even when I felt as if I couldn't make it through another day.

Now I struggle with anxiety attacks and aches and pains from working the same job for many years, but I continue on. Each and every day I reach out and touch people just by listening and talking to them. I find this to be very rewarding. The hug I get from my ninety-year-old customer puts a smile on his face and warms my heart. An elderly lady that comes in gives me a hug and tells me stories about her departed daughter, gives her comfort, and makes me feel good. These are the reasons I continued for twenty years to face my illness and go to work. This is what I consider part of my success story.

Each step I have taken and I continue to take within my process to reach and stay within recovery is a story of success. You, too, can create your own success story by choosing to reach for recovery and celebrating each step you take towards climbing to the top of the hole. Everyone is successful in his or her own way. Each person has had a struggle to face, and it is how you choose to stand up to it that makes you successful. Who cares how many worldly processions or how much money you have? That doesn't count in the end. It's how hard you work, how you face your struggles, and how determined you are that creates your success.

I cherish each new step I make, and I celebrate all my successes-even the small ones-and this helps me stand tall within the light.

I CAN'T TURN OFF MY THOUGHTS

Have your thoughts ever raced through your mind like a herd of wild bulls, rushing at you all at once and ramming you with their evil horns? You fight them, you try to think of something else, you try to keep busy, but they keep racing through your mind turning your stomach in circles. You feel out of control and hopeless.

My husband asks me, “Why don't you believe me when I tell you everything will be okay?” The only answer I can give him is, “I can't turn off my mind.” It's not just the worrying that gets me; it's the gush of endless thoughts.

When bill time comes around, I start worrying if we'll be able to pay all our bills. Lou tells me not to worry, we are always fine. First the worries begin; then my thoughts start to race through my mind. They become out of control.

We will go bankrupt. I can't do anything right; I'll probably mess up our finances. We won't be able to afford to make it through the week. We'll lose everything. I'm a failure. I can't even do math without a calculator. Everyone in high school was right; I am worthless. We are going to end up homeless and broke because of me. The thoughts go on and on. My stomach twists into a tangled mess, my muscles tighten and I can't sleep. I also start dry heaving and sometimes I get sick.

No matter how hard I try, I can't stop the thoughts. They seem to be in control of me. I feel like I'm drowning within a mixture of thoughts and emotions. I clench my teeth in an attempt to hold in a scream of anguish. My emotions become so strong they hurt. I wish there was a switch in my head to shut my thoughts off. In my mind, the simplest situation turns to the worst thing in the world because of my endless thoughts.

After all is done, once I go through the checkbook, everything turns out fine. We make it through another week and all our bills get paid.

The racing thoughts also start up when I'm tired and stressed out. They hit me like a tidal wave at the worse moment possible.

In therapy I learned that the only way to take control of my thoughts is to fight them. I try to focus on positive things, I try picturing myself sitting on a beach or someplace relaxing and I try to keep busy by working on my memoir or doing house work. I work on changing my thoughts around and I reassure myself that Lou is right, and everything will be fine.

I still struggle with racing thoughts and sometimes they get the best of me, but I continue to fight them. The more I fight them, the less frequently my thoughts race and this helps me stay within the light.

LIFE THROWS PROBLEMS IN YOUR WAY

Sometimes life gets complicated and tests your mental wellbeing and strength. This world is full of ups and downs. You never know what life will throw your way. It seems like you solve one problem and another one comes up. When this happens, it's how you handle it that makes all the difference.

Last year I went almost 6 months with a boot on my foot. I went to physical therapy for almost as long. I had foot surgery and got an infection in the surgery site. When I finally healed, I thought my life was back on track. What else could go wrong? Then about 3 months ago, I started having pain in my knee while walking down stairs and in my shoulder each time I moved it. Once again, I was sent back to physical therapy.

After 3 months of therapy, my therapist said I was doing well and I only needed to do one more month. I thought, “Great I'm getting better therapy will be over soon and I will be back to normal.” Then about two weeks ago, life spit in my face and my shoulder started hurting more. My physical therapist suggested I go to the doctor. The doctor suggested I may have an injury and I had to get an x-ray and a MRI.

I started panicking. What if I need surgery? What if I have a serious problem? If I need surgery, how would we pay our bills? Why is God letting this happen to me again? Am I being punished? Wasn't what I went through last year enough? I can't do surgery again. Tears threatened to spill and I swallowed them. Once again I started magnifying the situation. I lay down on my couch as thoughts raced.

When my husband came home, he held my hand and reminded me not to worry about the future. He told me to only worry about the present. He was right. My pain could be something simple, but by worrying about it, I was making it into a huge problem. I decided to try and focus on other stuff, like taking my dog to get her nails cut, Lou taking me to lunch, working on my writing and watching my favorite television show. Keeping my mind busy helped me push my problem aside.

I remembered what my mom told me, God never gives us more then we can handle. This was just another challenge I had to face. A challenge of my strength to face my mental illness. It's only with God's help and my inner determination I can handle what is to come.

Life is never easy and things always go wrong just when we think everything is good. Turning to my husband and friends to remind me of the positive and turning to God for help is what keeps me in the light.