Is God Real?

When I fell deep into the hole, I began to question God. Was there a God? If so, why was He letting me suffer? Was I being punished? How could He let me survive in a life of darkness? Maybe God was just a made up illusion like Santa Claus. If He was real, wouldn't He take away the darkness?

 

I was raised in a small Methodist church in Ripley New York. I went to church, pretty much every Sunday. My parents were and are strong believers in God, and I was brought up with the knowledge that God was a big part of our lives. When I became ill, I started to lose faith in God, and all that I learned growing up seemed like a myth. If God was merciful, why did I suffer within my own mental hell? If He was real, wouldn't He take my anguish away?

 

I stopped going to church with my parents and turned my back on all I was taught throughout my childhood. If God was real, then I hated Him for torturing me. If He wasn't real, I was angry for being fooled into believing in Him. One way or another, I turned my back on God.

 

During my recovery process I joined a Bible group at a friend's church. I slowly began to see how God played a role in my life while I was ill. I began to realize that even though I turned my back on Him, He never turned his back on me.

 

He was there doing little things in my life that I could not see. I took a handful of pills, became dizzy, and drove to college in a snow storm with no idea how I got there safely. During my recovery, I suddenly could see, God got me to college safely. He wanted me to live.

 

God gave me my mother who fought to find me help, my grandparents who spoiled me with their love while I lived with them and a friend at college who listened and encouraged me. God also brought me a therapist who helped me reach recovery for five years. For five years I lived the life I always wanted to: I hung out with friends, stayed out till early morning, and enjoyed life.

 

It wasn't until I reached recovery and my friend, Kelly, helped me find God, that I realized He was at my side the whole time. Even though I turned my back on God, He never turned his back on me. He placed people in my life to help me through the darkness, and he kept me alive when I tried to end my life. I learned, during the rough time, to look for the little signs in my life that show me God is still at my side.

DREADED MEDICATION

During my second bout of depression, I was told I would have to take antidepressants for the rest of my life. I cringed. Medication for life! You mean I can't live without it? Who wants to pop pills for the rest of his or her life? I sure didn't. Why couldn't I find happiness and a stable life without it? Wasn't there another way?

I soon learned there was no way around antidepressants. With medication, I would function better, I would be more stable, and I would be able to find happiness. The one thing they didn't tell me is that it's not easy finding the medication which works best for you. It's a trial and error process.

My doctor gave me a prescription for an antidepressant, and a week later I called him up crying that my depression had worsened. So I went in to be asked a few questions and was handed another prescription, but this time I couldn't stay awake. I needed to take frequent naps though out the day. I returned to his office to be prescribed yet another medication only to have a bad reaction.

Why did I continue to put myself through this torture? Wasn't there an easier way? Was this worth it? Would I ever get better? Was there a medication that would work for me?

I continued to try medications because I wanted to live a normal life, I wanted to be happy, and I wanted to be able to function. I wanted a life in the light. I was determined to do whatever it took to reach recovery.

In time, I found the antidepressant that made finding the light easier, the one medicine which brought me relief from some of the symptoms of my illness.

Medication doesn't completely take away your mental illness. Hard work in therapy combined with medication lifts you out of the hole. I went to therapy two times a week and took my medication each day as instructed. In time, I was, and still am, dancing in the light.

An antidepressant helped make the symptoms of my illness more manageable, and therapy helped me learn to change my pattern of thinking. The combination has made me a healthier and happier person. I am living a happy life with a wonderful husband. Sometimes the symptoms of my depression show their ugly head, but with my new found strength I can handle them with pride. I now go to therapy once a month and of course I take my pills daily.

WHAT IS IN THE FUTURE?

I've mentioned many times how the mind can play tricks on us when we are sick. Sometimes it happens even though we are well, but when we're sick the mind becomes more troubled. We all at times think the worst before it actually happens or think we know what someone else is thinking when we don't. When we begin to do this more frequently and it leads to anxiety and stress, then it's a problem.

My mind did this frequently while I was sick. My friend didn't call. She hates me. She doesn't want to be my friend anymore. Now I'm going to be all alone all over again. She thinks I'm a worthless person. I can't even keep friends. My muscles tensed as tears slid down my face. I curled up in a corner and cried until my friend finally called. I couldn't see that maybe there was a good reason for why my friend didn't call on time. When she did call, she told me she had family over and didn't have a chance to call earlier.

If that wasn't bad enough, I started seeing my future as an endless pit. I even did this during my surgery. I am going to be in a lot of pain. I'll be stuck on crutches for two weeks. I will be unable to leave my house and we will be too broke to pay for my medication. My surgery will be awful and I will suffer. In the end, I was only on crutches for a couple days, I could afford my pain medication, and the pain wasn't that bad.

This type of thinking is called jumping to conclusions. It has two parts, mind reading and fortune teller. You can find this cognitive distortion in David D. Burns, M.D.'s book, Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy. Minding reading is where you predict what others are thinking. Fortune teller is where you predict the future before it happens.

In therapy I learned to look at the reason why a friend didn't call on time. The friend could have been busy, an unexpected guest could have shown up, her phone may not been working, or she may have forgotten. Most importantly, I learned to be patient and to take a deep breath. Sometimes I still fall back into my pattern and I have to remind myself to list the possible reasons for why a friend or family member didn't call or arrive when they said they would.

When I predict the future, I have to remind myself no one can tell what's going to happen. I must take each day as it comes. I have to tell myself to stop and wait and see what life brings me.

With hard work, you can take control of jumping to conclusions and fight them each time they occur. I remind myself there isn't always a negative side to the future, and I can't predict what others think.