THERE
ARE NO BOUNDARIES
Mental
illness etched its dark fingers into my soul at a young age. The
earliest I remember the sadness creeping in was first grade when my
teacher asked if I was stupid because I couldn't read. Since learning
came to me slowly, due to my learning disability, my classmates
labeled me retarded and my teachers assigned other students to give
me answers on tests. It wasn't long until feelings of worthlessness
plagued my mind. Sleep became a struggle and sadness engulfed me. I
couldn't explain my intense emotions. At home little things set me
off into episodes of anger. I'd throw things, scream and cry.
I
kept my feelings to myself, unable to explain to my mother or anyone
else how bad I felt inside. Everyday at school I was put down and
began to believe what they were saying was true. My mind raced and
self-hate filled me. Inside I screamed in agony, but on the outside I
seemed like a normal kid.
This
inner pain came slowly and increased as my school years progressed.
By the time I reached high school I stopped talking unless I had to.
The episodes increased and my mind raced with negativity. In seventh
grade I spent long endless hours studying to prove I wasn't stupid,
but I found little interest in fun things. When my brother and
sisters were riding bike or playing games, I was studying. When we
went on family vacations I fought to hide the darkness gnawing at my
insides. My grades soared, but my soul fell into a dark hole.
In
eighth grade my Uncle was run over and killed by a drunk driver. I
fell further into the hole. I thought I was having a nervous break
down. Tears fell for no reason, I had little energy and sleeping
became even more difficult. Overwhelming feelings I could not explain
engulfed me. Deep sadness, self-hate, hopelessness, worthlessness,
anger and frustration filled me.
When
my cousin was killed in my senior year of high school I fell to the
bottom of the hole. In the darkness feelings of lonilness seeped
into my soul. No matter how hard I struggled I couldn't climb out.
Mental
illness doesn't know any boundaries. It doesn't pick age or race. It
comes without warning and it knows no mercy. With counseling and
medication a person with this illness can find relief.
This is very good. Your story shows alot of insight into the mystery of mental disease and how it can affect people emotionally. Also how certain things can make you feel or how people can make a difference in a person battling a mental illness.
ReplyDeleteAimee,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that your teacher said those unkind words to you. As a teacher, myself, I can see how much our words can impact our students. It is essential to focus on what a child can do and not what is difficult for him or her to avoid those mistaken, negative feelings you internalized about yourself. I hate that word "dumb" and "stupid," because they are so untrue. Then and now, you are such a beautiful person! You are courageous! You are loved by many.You matter! One of the positive outlets you are pursuing is writing a whole book about some lovely memories you experienced in the middle of that dark period of your life. Keep going!
In so many ways, this, too, could be my story. One of the hardest parts of depression to deal with is the loneliness and the feeling as if you are cut off and different from everyone around you. With this point, you reminded me that I am not alone, rather there are others who have experienced similar but different things. By sharing our stories, we encourage them to share theirs. The more stories that are written about, the more people will understand mental illness and this new understanding can challenge the old assumptions.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Aimee. You are courageous and brave and I hope you continue sharing your stories, which is one small step to tackling society's view of mental illness