THE AFTER AFFECT OF SELF-INJURY

Self-injury can, in a sense, give you a high like drugs. When you hurt yourself you're suddenly free from your self-hate, deep sadness, inner anguish and many other emotions that fill you, or suddenly you're no longer numb. You finally have control. It's like you're on a high. The world around you no longer matters. The question is, once you're finished and the high is gone, how do you feel? Do you feel happy or guilty?

When I self-injured, I felt like I was suddenly free from my depressed and emotionally overwhelmed body. I felt like I was floating above myself looking down at the depressed mess and feeling free. I was free from my self-loathing, anger, sadness and anguish. Nothing could touch me. Then suddenly I fell back down into my body. I looked at what I did to myself and all those feelings rushed back into my body along with more emotions.

I'd look at my cut and feel guilty, ashamed and angry at myself. What did I do? Why am I so stupid? What am I going to tell my friends and family? I put a bandage on my wound, but it wasn't enough to take away what I did to myself. How am I going to hide my injuries? What if someone sees them? What excuses will I give them?

The feelings I felt afterwards weren't enough for me to stop self-injuring. I needed that high. It was the only way I knew how to cope with my mental illness. I kept hurting and falling back down into my world of pain. I was addicted to injuring and I ignored how it made me feel afterwards.

Often after I harmed myself, I would lie on my bedroom floor, curled up in a ball, and cry. I cried alone while my emotions ripped at my insides. I'd mentally punish myself for what I did and then a day or more later do it all over again.

In therapy my therapist would have me write out how I felt after each injury. Then I would write down the positive and negatives of self-injury. 

 

POSITIVE OF SELF-injury	NEGATIVE OF SELF-INJURY
I was in control Relief from inner pain	Guilt Shame Angry at myself Felt alone I was hiding wounds I lied to friends and family Depressed Self-hate

After doing this exercise, I realized that injuring was not worth it. I felt worse afterwards than before. The negatives outweighed the positives. I finally saw the flaws in my coping technique. My therapist taught me new and healthier coping techniques. With healthier ways of dealing with my mental illness, my emotions became easier to handle. I found by not hurting myself, I felt stronger and free from shame and guilt.

I began to express my emotions in journals and I would write out my feelings for my therapist. She would use my writings to help me find ways to handle what I was going through. With my journals and new coping techniques, I stand tall within the light of recovery.