ONE
CHOICE OR ANOTHER
Should
I buy those shoes? What if they hurt my feet? Do I have enough money?
Will I go broke buying them? I need new shoes, but what if I get the
wrong ones? Maybe I should get a different pair. What happens if
those are uncomfortable? Which ones should I get?
My
chest tightens as my mind whirls with confusion. My throat throbs as
if someone shoved their fist down it. Tears threaten to spill as I
hold back a scream. I can't screw this up. I don't want to fail
again. This simple determination becomes over whelming.
Decision
making can be hard for anyone, but even harder when your mind is
plagued with sadness and negativity. Making choices seems impossible.
During college and in later years while the darkness filled me making
choices consumed me. My mind raced as I went over what could happen
if I made the wrong choice. I saw myself making a mistake I would
regret. Buying shoes may have begun as a small determination, but
within minutes it grew. It kept getting bigger and bigger as if it
was life or death. One mistake and my world would end.
The
wrong shoes could hurt my feet. If I wear them the store may not let
me return them and I'd be stuck with them. Then I would have wasted
my money on something I couldn't use. I'd once again screw everything
up. I can't do anything right, not even buy shoes. I'm worthless. I
have to make the right choice. If I don't I won't be able to sleep and
I won't be able to think straight. I wish someone else could decide
for me.
My
therapist gave me a list of cognitive distortions such as
all—or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, mental filter and
jumping to conclusions. I read magnification. Magnification is where
you blow things out of portion. I realized I made my decision
process bigger than it was because I feared I was a failure. I made
buying shoes such a big deal because I didn't trust myself to do the
right thing.
In
therapy I learned to trust in my ability to do the right thing and to
change my thinking. I also learned to believe that I could make
choices without becoming a failure. At times I fall back into
magnifying my decisions, but I remind myself I am capable of doing
many things right and once in a while we are allowed to make
mistakes. Making a mistake doesn't make me a failure, but only human.
another great piece of work!!! keep it up!!
ReplyDeleteAimee, thank you for sharing that sensitive piece of writing and being vulnerable to help someone else. I can relate to this because I have difficulty making decisions as well. I remember I agonized over how many points to assign test questions in Spanish, and then how to grade them I broke it down even further, awarding half and quarter points for students to receive credit for whatever they did right. I was so uncertain! I do know that feeling of now wanting to make the decision because if I made it wrong I wouldn't be a good instructor. I'm so glad that your counselor pointed out the "all-or-nothing" thinking to change the way your perspective! Glory be to God! Keep writing! God is going to use that struggle to help someone else! Be sure of it!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Amy, but I wrote about magnifying my decision into something bigger then they were not all-or-nothing. I'll explain all-or-nothing thinking in another blog. I appreciate your wonderful comments.
ReplyDelete