Is There An Off Switch?

The mind, when it is sick, can be your worst enemy. Even during your recovery, the mind plays games with you. Unfortunately, there is no cure to mental illness and there will always be times you struggle, but it's how you handle the struggle that counts. I began a new battle with my mind and anxiety as soon as I found out I was going to have foot surgery. It started out with small concerns. Do I have vacation weeks to use? If not how, can we afford to have me out of work? Then the worries grew and became obsessive.

 

My mind went on an endless track of worry. What if I get sick and can't have surgery? What if I can't do the stairs at my home? I have a week's vacation and four days; what if we don't have enough money to pay bills? What if we can't make our mortgage? What if I can't pay for the pain medication? Who's going to help me while my husband is at work? What if I can't use the crutches? What if I fall and hurt myself more, then have to be hospitalized?

 

The worries grew bigger and bigger as the weeks narrowed until my surgery. My anxiety attacks increased, I struggled to sleep, and my muscles tensed. I found myself over the toilet several times.

 

Would I be able to handle the pain? Will I cause more physical problems by hopping around on crutches? Will I get sick, lose my vacation time, and wait longer for surgery? Will we go broke? Will we have enough money to eat?

 

I magnified my worries to the point that I made myself sick. They haunted me day and night. If I had a switch to turn them off, I would have used it, but instead I turned to my support system. My friend reminded me that I was making my surgery into a bigger deal then it was, and my husband had me think about the positive side to my surgery.

 

Once the surgery was over, I would no longer be suffering with the continuous pain I have dealt with for months. I could finally get rid of the air cast boot I've worn for almost four months. I could pay some bills ahead of time so when I got the four day vacation check we would be okay. By fighting my worries and reminding myself of the positive outcome of my surgery, I was able to relieve some of the worrying.

 

My surgery turned out not as bad as I first thought. I only had to use the crutches for a few days, the pain wasn't as bad, and I was able to pay some bills in advance so that we were fine financially. A friend came to town to help me out while my husband was at work and within a week I was able to start walking around home without a boot.

 

It's hard to see the positive when your worries take over, but by the help of my support system I was able to point them out and get through surgery without a major anxiety attack. In the end I now see all my worries were for nothing.