Is God Real?

When I fell deep into the hole, I began to question God. Was there a God? If so, why was He letting me suffer? Was I being punished? How could He let me survive in a life of darkness? Maybe God was just a made up illusion like Santa Claus. If He was real, wouldn't He take away the darkness?

 

I was raised in a small Methodist church in Ripley New York. I went to church, pretty much every Sunday. My parents were and are strong believers in God, and I was brought up with the knowledge that God was a big part of our lives. When I became ill, I started to lose faith in God, and all that I learned growing up seemed like a myth. If God was merciful, why did I suffer within my own mental hell? If He was real, wouldn't He take my anguish away?

 

I stopped going to church with my parents and turned my back on all I was taught throughout my childhood. If God was real, then I hated Him for torturing me. If He wasn't real, I was angry for being fooled into believing in Him. One way or another, I turned my back on God.

 

During my recovery process I joined a Bible group at a friend's church. I slowly began to see how God played a role in my life while I was ill. I began to realize that even though I turned my back on Him, He never turned his back on me.

 

He was there doing little things in my life that I could not see. I took a handful of pills, became dizzy, and drove to college in a snow storm with no idea how I got there safely. During my recovery, I suddenly could see, God got me to college safely. He wanted me to live.

 

God gave me my mother who fought to find me help, my grandparents who spoiled me with their love while I lived with them and a friend at college who listened and encouraged me. God also brought me a therapist who helped me reach recovery for five years. For five years I lived the life I always wanted to: I hung out with friends, stayed out till early morning, and enjoyed life.

 

It wasn't until I reached recovery and my friend, Kelly, helped me find God, that I realized He was at my side the whole time. Even though I turned my back on God, He never turned his back on me. He placed people in my life to help me through the darkness, and he kept me alive when I tried to end my life. I learned, during the rough time, to look for the little signs in my life that show me God is still at my side.