BOUNDARIES

When you're struggling with darkness, you forget that other people have limitations. We often see only our problems and no one else's. We expect too much from our family and friends. We want them to drop their lives and problems for us. I have stepped on my friends' and families' boundaries many times and have lost friends because of it.

When I fell deep into the hole of depression and darkness overtook me, I became obsessed with my illness. I couldn't see beyond my own pain. I became friends with a woman at work and her husband during a period of my life when I was doing well. In time I fell into depression and began injuring. I expected my friend to be supportive and at my side no matter what. When she became busy with her grandchildren and family, I felt like she was turning her back on me. 

 

I started giving her notes expressing my feelings. I asked her why she was abandoning me. I described my inner pain and graphically wrote about my injuring. I even sent her a note with blood on it. I couldn't understand why she wasn't sacrificing everything for me. I was blinded by my inner pain. I wrote her angry letters, telling her off for not being at my side. She told me she couldn't handle my illness because her father committed suicide. I got even more upset. When our friendship ended, I hated her and myself. I hated her for not being at my side and I hated myself for ruining our friendship. I punished myself.

I expected my family, especially my mother, to be able to handle all my problems. I would ramble on about my inner pain, even when mom was tired or not feeling well. When I thought she wasn't listening, I'd get mad and say things I didn't mean. I thought my mom should have been able to handle everything I was going through. I couldn't understand that she had boundaries, too. I was blind to her problems. I thought my mother was supposed to only cater to my needs.

In therapy, I learned that everyone has boundaries. I'm not the only one with problems and my problems do not come first. There are times when family and friends cannot be at my side. I also realized that I needed to listen to my friends' and families' problems. I had to learn to accept boundaries without taking it personally. Just because a friends or family members could not be there for me did not mean they were turning their backs on me. It only meant they were human.

Now I respect my friends' and families' boundaries. I stand at my friends' sides and I support them when they need me. I now know everyone is struggling with a battle of his or her own. Respecting boundaries and having my own has helped me find peace, hold on to friendships, and dance within the light.