THE CHALLENGES OF MAKING NEW FRIENDS

Making new friends can be hard for anyone. Finding the right person you can talk to, share secrets with, and trust isn't easy. This process is made more difficult when the mind is plagued with mental illness. Often people with mental illness become victims to bad relationships or reach out to people who are scared away by their illness. Those who are ill find it hard to trust, and they struggle with their own inner fears and anguish.

There is a lot of stigma about mental illness, which makes others afraid of people who suffer with it. While I was sick and even during recovery, I found it hard to tell new friends I have a mental illness. I feared they would turn away or judge me. If I were to tell them I had an illness of the mind, would they think I'm dangerous or faking?

When I was doing well for a while after college, I became friends with a woman I worked with. Our friendship went well until I became sick again. She turned away from me. She said she could not handle my illness. Other friends thought I was dangerous, some said I chose to be sad, and others thought I was crazy.

Then there was my own fear that some of the symptoms of my illness might drive my new friends away. What if I become too attached and overstep my boundaries? What if I can't be a good of friend to them as they are to me? What if I become afraid of them abandoning me and I push them away? How do I be a friend? What if I am too needy? What if they don't want to be around someone so sad? What if they hurt me? What if they get to know the real me and they hate me?

These questions swam within my mind. The strong emotions tore at my insides. I struggled with my fears while anguish squeezed and twisted my insides. I avoided making friends because my fear was stronger than I was. When I did make friends, I pushed them away to avoid getting hurt.

Even now while I'm in recovery I struggle with making new friends. Recently I made friends with a woman at work. She understands my illness because she had experiences with it herself, but I still fear I might scare her away. What if I text her too much? What if I overstep my boundaries and she turns away? What if she finds something about me she doesn't like? What if our friendship doesn't work out and I get hurt?

Making new friends is hard, but I learned in therapy to take it step by step. First, take time to get to know the person. Second, be honest about your illness and offer to educate him or her about your illness. If he or she is unwilling to learn, then the person is not the right friend for you. Third, learn your friend's boundaries and work on not overstepping them. Fourth, believe in yourself as a person and that you are worthy of making a good friendship and being a good friend. Fifth, stand up to your fears and learn to rise above them.

It's important to know that in order to be a good friend, you must take care of your illness and yourself first. You cannot have a healthy friendship if you're so caught up in your illness that the only problems you see are your own. The more you work on taking control of your illness, the stronger friend you will become.

Even though I struggle with fears of ruining my new friendship, I know deep inside I am capable of being a good friend. I know by taking my friendship step by step, reassuring myself I am worthy of a good friendship and facing my fears, I can have a healthy friendship and will continue to bathe within the light.