END OF A FRIENDSHIP

Friendships can come and go. Some friendships have spanned many years and will continue to thrive for many more. Some eventually fade after several years. Others survive for only a short time. When we lose a friend, we feel the heartache and move on with our lives. We make new friends and leave the old ones that did not work in the past. When you're suffering with mental illness, especially Borderline Personality Disorder, getting over a friendship ending can be dramatic.

When I was in elementary and high school I kept a list of each friend I lost. I held on to the memory of the friendship as if it were engraved in my mind and heart. I couldn't let go of the pain of losing each of the friendships. It felt like each of my past friends tore a hole in my heart.

In my adult years, a good friend became busy and could no longer continue our friendship, I felt my heart shred into pieces. I cried endlessly and left her notes begging her to take me back. I felt like my world ended. How could I continue on without my friend? She was my world. I needed her, I had to have her in my life, and I'd never be able to find anyone to replace her. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, and the dark hole seemed deeper than ever. My life seemed over.

I couldn't just let go of my friend. Every Christmas I'd send her a card and note telling her how I but I never received a reply. I drove by her home, I called her number, and when she answered I hung up. I was very attached to her, which was a symptom of my Borderline.

She wasn't the first friend I couldn't let go of. The end of any friendship to me was traumatic. I held on to my friends so tightly that I couldn't imagine ever letting go. I became very attached to my friends and I couldn't get over losing them. It meant a part of me died and a scar was burnt deep into my heart. I couldn't pick myself back up. I just fell deeper into my hole.

I felt as if the endings of my past friendships were holding me down in the darkness. Making new friends became harder and harder. I couldn't trust myself and I couldn't trust them. I pushed potential friends away because I feared I would feel that deep, endless pain again. I couldn't possibly risk being ripped apart again.

In therapy, I learned that friends come and go. The end of a friendship did not mean the end of my life. I had to burn my list of friends I lost and allow myself to let go and heal. I had to learn that losing friends was a part of life, and I could make new ones. When a friendship ended, I had to face the challenge of trying to focus on something else other than my loss. With practice it became easier.

I had to learn to not allow myself to become attached to my friends. I learned I could hold friends dear, but set my own boundaries to keep myself from becoming attached. I learned not to call everyday-it's okay if we don't talk all the time-to give them space and allow them to have boundaries also.

I realize there are many kinds of friendships and not all are good and not all are meant to last forever. Some come and go. Even though losing a friend hurts, I now know it is not the end of my life. I can pick myself up and go on with my life without falling into the hole. I'm now strong enough to go on after a friendship ends and this allows me to bathe within the light.