FINDING LOVE WHILE REACHING RECOVERY

After several failed relationships, I gave up on true love. The last one was the hardest. He handled my mental illness badly and was abusive. When I had an emotional episode he physically held me down. He caused my illness to worsen. My other ex-boyfriends were not abusive, but also couldn't understand or deal with my illness. I gave up on love. I figured no man could ever cope with my illness or understand it. I believed I would spend my life alone.

When I broke up with my abusive ex, I gave up on men for three years. I lost faith in ever finding the right man. A friend from work began pressuring me to meet a man named Lou who was renting a room from her. I was still struggling with bouts of depression and finding peace with the abusive relationship I was last in, so I resisted.

My therapist was excited about the idea of me dating again. “Go on one date and if it doesn't work, then you'll never have to see him again,” she said. A friend also encouraged me to give him a try. So I told my friend at work I would meet Lou. My friend gave me his phone number and told me she would make us a dinner for our first date.

I talked to Lou on the phone for hours and he showed up to my work the day before our date. He had a long beard and I wasn't sure what I was getting myself into. I promised myself one date and that would be it. I went on that date and he had shaved the beard off. He was handsome. During our first date he promised me he would take care of me, treat me like a woman, and he would never turn his back on me. I was skeptical, but I agreed to a second date.

Before I knew it, we were seeing each other regularly. When we started to get serious, I decided to tell him about my mental illness. I was prepared for him to turn his back on me, but he didn't. He told me he would do what he needed to help me continue to reach recovery. So we started couple therapy. He dedicated himself to help me through whatever I had to face.

As we continued to become more serious, the bouts of depression began to disappear. One day I left work crying and I went to Lou's place. Lou held me for hours until I calmed down. It was then I knew Lou could handle my illness and I would never be alone again. Within six months Lou proposed and a year and half afterwards we were married. With Lou's help I reached recovery.

Almost eight years later, Lou continues to be at my side, pulling me out of rough times, reminding me to be positive and supporting me no matter what. Lou taught me I could be loved and understood despite my illness. Lou continues to keep his promises he made to me on our first date and he continues to help me dance within the light.

YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDS

It is often said we cannot choose our family and that is true, but we can choose our friends. During the process of recovery, I realized how important it is to decide which friends would be a positive influence on my life. Friends can make a big impact on your life. They can be encouraging, supportive and understanding. Some can be discouraging, self-centered and full of drama. It's important in the recovery process to surround yourself with positive people.

When I was ill, I made friends with a woman and her sister. The woman saw the bad side to everything. When she got a tummy ache, she thought she was coming down with a serious illness. When a car ran into a neighbor's yard, she said to me, “What if that car had gone through my house?” instead of thanking God it didn't hit her house. Her sister was very dependent on the woman and used her like a slave and also began taking advantage of me. When I started getting better, I realized the friendship I had with them was negative and I had to end it.

I had another friend who, when I took her places, she'd disappear on me. This friend would get upset with me for no reason. When she was mad at me, she'd leave mean messages on my answering machine. She couldn't keep a secret and passed around personal stuff I told her. She was very dramatic and got upset over the smallest things. On the road of recovery I realized this was another negative friendship. I ended it. I casually talk to her when I see her, but we no longer hang out.

I realized these types of friendships were dragging me down into the hole. I needed friendships that would lift me up into the light and help me stay in the light. My friend Cheryl talked me out of suicide several time and did not get off the phone with me until I was laughing. My friend, Kelly helped me find God and is very supportive.

I also learned that even positive friends have bad days. I also had to be a good friend. I had to learn to listen, to accept boundaries and be supportive. Friendships go two ways. My therapist told me if my friend was doing all the work of keeping our friendship going then it was unhealthy.

I'm happy to say I am now a good friend and I have many positive friends. My friends remind me when I'm being negative and tell me to focus on the good. It's my friends and positive husband that continue to help me bathe in the light of happiness.

SNAP OUT OF IT

“Snap out of it” is a phrase I have taken offense to and hated. When darkness, sadness and uncontrollable emotions overcome your mind and body you just can't “snap out of it.” If we could turn off our mental illness that easily, we would all be cured. We would not spend money on therapists, psychiatrists and medications.

When I was with one of my old boyfriends and I got depressed, he told me to “snap out of it.” I tried to explain to him it was not that easy. I told him that mental illness is a chemical imbalance and it takes a lot of work, therapy and medicine to find happiness. He just couldn't make sense out of it. In his mind, I should have been able to just shut it off, but I couldn't. I had no control over it. I continued to explain to him that I had an illness like cancer and you can't tell a cancer patient to snap out of it any more then you can tell a mentally ill person the same thing.

I had friends tell me to watch a funny movie and that would snap me out of it. I once again tried to explain that when you're in the hole of darkness, nothing seems enjoyable. Even the things that once made you happy seem hopeless and sad. Not even the funniest movie in the world could turn off mental illness.

Everyone gets down from time to time in his or her life. We're only human and we can't always be happy. When we get sad, we can do things to distract our minds from those things that bring us down, but mental illness is more than just a sad period in a person's life. When it's an ongoing condition that a person cannot break free of, then it is an illness.

Mental illness is an imbalance of chemicals called serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine. It can also be passed on through the family and bad environments can contribute to the illness. In simple words, it's not just a bad day that will go away.

Medication can balance the chemicals and therapy can help a person work through the rough times they face in their lives. It takes hard work to change behaviors and patterns of thinking brought on by the illness.

I got frustrated with people who seemed to think I had a magic wand to wave and make my illness go away. Then I realized that these people are only ignorant because they have not been properly educated on what mental illness is. It's our job as those who have fought the battle of this illness to tell the world about it.

I have learned to smile when someone tells me to “snap out of it.” I try to educate them about mental illness and tell them how hard I worked to reach the light.

WHAT'S BEHIND THE MASK

Sometimes people with mental illness put on a mask. We pretend to be happy when we're dying inside. We fear if we show our true feelings, no one would understand or we will be judged. So we smile when we feel like crying. We hide our pain deep within our souls.

When my ex-boyfriend kicked me out, I was hospitalized. A friend told everyone I worked with about my illness. People came up to me and said, “I never knew there was anything wrong. You always seemed happy.” I just smiled.

I kept my secret for almost a year. I hid my slow decline into darkness from everyone but a close friend and family. I feared what the outside world would think of me. Would my employer think I was incapable of doing my job? Would my co-workers think I was crazy and dangerous? Would people stop talking to me? Would the world think I was a nut case?

When it came out that I had a mental illness many people I worked with became my support system. Some people did judge me, but the ones who came to my side made taking off the mask worth it. So yes, I was in what the ignorant call the looney bin and yes, I'm what the narrow minded call crazy, but to the educated world I was in a hospital that treats illnesses of the mind and I have a mental illness.

Mental illness has a lot of stigma and this makes it hard for us to take off our masks and show the world we are ill. There are times we do need to put on our disguise and times we need to take it off. As a cashier, I have to put on a mask for customers. No one wants to go to a cashier who is sad and talking about suicide. I'm not afraid to tell my customers I have a mental illness, but if I were to act depressed, I would make it an unpleasant shopping trip for my customers.

Keeping your mask on at all times can leave you to fight your illness on your own. By taking it off you can find shoulders to lean on and helping hands. For a long while I hid my illness from my Mom. I pretended everything in my life was good. When I took off the mask, I found my Mom to be loving, supportive and willing to go to any extent to find me help.

When we hide our illness from everyone, we close ourselves off to the world. We find ourselves alone. When I took my mask off, help was waiting for me. I was no longer alone. I am now open with my illness. Now that my mask is off, I can reach out and touch others who also suffer and I can educate the ignorant. I can also be myself and with all the support I have I continue to bathe in the light.

SYMPTOMS OF BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

I was told when I was hospitalized years ago that I have Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD). I had no idea what BPD was, so I did some research. I found that many who suffer with this illness were abused. I was never abused by my parents, but I was abused emotionally by teachers and classmates at school. I also learned that people with BPD have a hard time with self-image, relationships and behaviors.

 

I found these symptoms on the National Education Alliance website (The website can be found on the side bar of this blog.):

• Fear Of abandonment (I blogged about my struggles with this in the past.)
• Unstable or changing relationships (I had many unstable relationships with friends and boyfriends.)
• Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self (I had problems with my self-image.)
• Impulsive or self-damaging behavior (e.g. excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
• Suicidal Behavior or self-injuring (At one time I was suicidal and I have now gone thirteen years without injuring)
• Varied or random mood swings (I would be in a good mood one minute and in an angry fit the next.)
• Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness (Throughout a big part of my life I felt worthlessness and I struggled with sadness)
• Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights (I often lost my temper at home and got into physical fights with my brother. I got angry and would throw and break things.)
• Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

To be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, you must have five or more of these symptoms. If you have several of these symptoms, find a therapist who deals with BPD. In time you can take control of your illness and find a happier life. Your symptoms can be reduced and you can bathe in the light as I am. I still have some of the symptoms of Borderline, but they no longer rule my life. I live my life in the light.

Choosing To Have Children

Having children is a big decision for anyone, but especially hard if you're struggling with mental illness. I wanted children when I was younger. I always thought I would have at least two children. When I watched the movie The Divine secret of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and saw what the daughter of a mentally ill mother went through as a child, I began to question whether I could handle motherhood. Would my future children resent me because of the breakdowns and bouts of depression I would go through while trying to deal with the trials and tribulations of motherhood? Could I handle the stress of the pregnancy, of post postpartum depression and of being a parent?

 

I discussed it with my therapist and went over the positives and negatives of having a child. My negatives outweighted my positives. Even though I'm doing good, I still have mental illness and I don't want to risk falling back into the darkness.

 

I have a hard time handling stress and it can lead to anxiety attacks which make me sick. I worry excessively till I once again get sick. I can't deal with people who physically ill especially with the flu. When I have depression episodes, I find it hard to even do the dishes and I cry a lot. I'm not very good at taking care of myself without the help of my husband. I can't get up in the morning due to sleeping medication.

 

I realized postpartum depression would be extremely hard on me and could put me in a hospital. I also feared that the stresses of parenthood could lead me back into a serve depression. I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to put my child through my mental illness. I decided not to have children. I don't want to risk putting a child through the possibility of relapse of my illness.

 

I gave up my dream of having children. Luckily I found a man who is older than I am and doesn't care to have children. I am asked often, “When are you going to have children?” I reply, “I'm happy with having plenty of nieces and nephews I can give back and a dog I can love unconditionally.” The truth is I love my freedom. My husband and I can come and go whenever we want to. I love being everyone's favorite Aunt.

 

It's not an easy decision to not have children, but it was the best. Not all of us can handle motherhood. Having a mental illness can make it very hard. Some people can manage it and some can't. I'm one of those who could not handle it. I decided to embrace my life in the light. Choosing not to have children has allowed me to dance within the light.

EDUCATE THOSE YOU LOVE

It's hard to build relationships with the opposite sex, but even harder when you're struggling with mental illness. Sometimes people take advantage of those who are suffering and they take advantage of the sick person's weakness. Other times the partner in the relationship just doesn't understand mental illness and makes things worse. I've been the victim of both. I found myself in both situations. I lost boyfriends because they could not handle my illness and I found myself in abusive relationships.

 

I had a boyfriend who abused me verbally and in other ways. He told his friends and family what a hero he was for putting up with my illness. He had his parents and friends feeling sorry for him while he used my weakness to push me deeper into depression and self-injury.

 

When I met my husband and we started to get serious, I decided to let him know about my mental illness. I gave him information and told him he must decide whether or not he could deal with my illness. I also made it clear that if he chose to stay with me, he would have to learn how to handle my illness. He read the information and agreed to couple therapy. Every other week we went to therapy together, and my therapist educated him on how to help me with my illness.

 

By learning about depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, anxiety, and self-injury, he became more than just a boyfriend and a husband. He has become my rock, my support, and my counselor. When I'm depressed, he knows how to help me look at the bright side of life. When I'm in an emotional episode, he knows how to calm me down, and he reminds me on a regular basis to take my medication. He never asks for a pat on the back. He says he does it because he loves me.

 

It's also important to teach your friends and family members about your illness. Search online for information about your specific illness. With the help of your therapist, write down symptoms of your sickness, write down things that trigger your symptoms, and make a list of stressors in your life and what helps you during the rough times. I learned that the more I knew about my illness the more I was able to teach others about it and show them how to assist me when I need them the most.

 

To this day my husband still goes to therapy with me for support. He tells the therapist things I forget to tell or am reluctant to tell. He makes it a point to continue to be an important part of my struggles to stay within the light. With his knowledge and support, I continue to dance in the light.