WHAT'S BEHIND THE MASK

Sometimes people with mental illness put on a mask. We pretend to be happy when we're dying inside. We fear if we show our true feelings, no one would understand or we will be judged. So we smile when we feel like crying. We hide our pain deep within our souls.

When my ex-boyfriend kicked me out, I was hospitalized. A friend told everyone I worked with about my illness. People came up to me and said, “I never knew there was anything wrong. You always seemed happy.” I just smiled.

I kept my secret for almost a year. I hid my slow decline into darkness from everyone but a close friend and family. I feared what the outside world would think of me. Would my employer think I was incapable of doing my job? Would my co-workers think I was crazy and dangerous? Would people stop talking to me? Would the world think I was a nut case?

When it came out that I had a mental illness many people I worked with became my support system. Some people did judge me, but the ones who came to my side made taking off the mask worth it. So yes, I was in what the ignorant call the looney bin and yes, I'm what the narrow minded call crazy, but to the educated world I was in a hospital that treats illnesses of the mind and I have a mental illness.

Mental illness has a lot of stigma and this makes it hard for us to take off our masks and show the world we are ill. There are times we do need to put on our disguise and times we need to take it off. As a cashier, I have to put on a mask for customers. No one wants to go to a cashier who is sad and talking about suicide. I'm not afraid to tell my customers I have a mental illness, but if I were to act depressed, I would make it an unpleasant shopping trip for my customers.

Keeping your mask on at all times can leave you to fight your illness on your own. By taking it off you can find shoulders to lean on and helping hands. For a long while I hid my illness from my Mom. I pretended everything in my life was good. When I took off the mask, I found my Mom to be loving, supportive and willing to go to any extent to find me help.

When we hide our illness from everyone, we close ourselves off to the world. We find ourselves alone. When I took my mask off, help was waiting for me. I was no longer alone. I am now open with my illness. Now that my mask is off, I can reach out and touch others who also suffer and I can educate the ignorant. I can also be myself and with all the support I have I continue to bathe in the light.