NO WAY OUT

When depression clouds the mind, finding away out seems impossible. You loose hope and begin to believe the only way to end your pain is to die. Death seems logical and like the only answer.

During my first year of college, I began to plan my suicide. If I were gone, there would no longer be any suffering from endless darkness and overpowering thoughts. I would finally be free of internal agony. I believed my death would not only bring relief to me, but also to my family. In my eyes, I was a burden to everyone around me. My illness was not only destroying my life, but to me, it was ruining my parents, grandparents, siblings and friends lives.

My thoughts were blurred by hopelessness and deep sadness. I planned what would go on my gravestone and the many ways I'd take my life - like driving my car into a semi, overdosing on pills and sliting my wrist. I even imagined my family standing around my coffin with smiles. Suicide, to me, seemed like the right thing to do.

I couldn't live with the pain that burned within me. What future stood before me? One where I lived in a dark hole, one where I cried easily and one where I could not find joy. This was not the type of life for me. Desperation to end my life filled me. Just one slice of my wrist and it would all be over.

I kept slipping further into my hole. Self-hatred and negativity ate at my insides. I stared up at the ceiling of my bedroom at night fighting racing thoughts. My chest tighten and my throat throbbed with a need to scream. I have to end this. No one will miss me. The pain has to end. I can't go on. It's to hard to live. God, why can't you just take me now. I took a bottle of pills and became dizzy and nauseated. I laid in bed wondering why I had done such a stupid thing.

What I couldn't see was how badly my death would have hurt my family. With help there was a way out of my pain. In therapy, I learned suicide is not the way out of inner pain. I realized with help I could climb out of the hole, but if I took my life I'd never get the chance to find joy.

It took me time to realize how precious life is. With therapy, medication and a support system of friends and family I found what it is like to have happiness. I realized if I had succeeded in taking my own life I would have missed out on a lot of wonderful things like the birth of my many nieces an nephews and finding my soul mate. I now know life is worth living.