THE WORKING WORLD

Some people with mental illness find it impossible to hold a job or even get a job. There are other people suffering with mental illness who are able to keep a steady job for many years, but it's not easy. I have kept my job for 19 years and even in recovery it's been a struggle.

While I was suffering with mental illness, I fought to get up out of bed to go to work. I felt the endless sadness gnawing at me and staying in bed, hiding from the world, seemed to be the easiest answer. While working, I fought to put a smile on my face and pretend I was fine when I was dying inside. I swallowed my tears when stress began to build. A few times my emotions got the best of me and I had to go home early, crying.

I cashed customers out and thought about the ways I could hurt myself or take my life. My insides ached with the pain of my emotions as the world around me drowned in darkness. I struggled to concentrate on my job, to make it through one hour, and to keep going throughout the day. Sometimes on my breaks I would sit in the restroom and silently cry.

Once I started working towards recovery, work became pleasant. I found putting on a smile easier, and the days no longer seemed as bleak. I struggled to get out of bed for another reason. I had to take sleeping medications and found it hard to wake up in the morning. It took (and takes) time for the medication to wear off, but I no longer wanted to hide from the world.

Even though I am in recovery, work is not simple. I concentrate better, I put on a smile without a lot of effort, and I find the days go by faster. There are still challenges. I worry constantly about doing my job well, I have dry heaves when I get stressed out and some days it is hard to smile. I can't work before 10:30 am because of my sleeping medication.

I worry that I'll make a big mistake and lose my job. My husband has to reassure me I will be fine. When it gets busy, I get on edge, my muscles tighten, and I fight not to get sick. When I do make a mistake, and a manager talks to me, I cry. I feel like a failure and it takes my husband the rest of the night to reassure me I am not a loser.

People ask why I don't collect social security disability and quit working. I tell them I love my customers and I'm too determined to give up. If I sat at home, I would go backwards into my illness. Working and facing the challenges of going to my job give me the strength to continue to bathe in the light.