HOLIDAY BLUES

Holiday blues can happen to anyone. The stress of paying bills, coming up with money for gifts, fixing big meals, dealing with family, or lack of family and so on can take a toll on a person. When you suffer from mental illness, the holidays can send you deeper into your hole. All the special things that make the holidays joyous only leave a person who is ill feeling empty and sad. The stress of the holidays can be so overwhelming for the person that he or she could shut down and avoid the holidays completely.

As a child I found myself more depressed around the holidays. I became sad, irritable, and withdrawn. I fought with my sisters and brother more and found myself crying easily. It didn't help that my classmates got me gag gifts for Christmas. I tried to remind myself what the purpose of the holidays was. Thanksgiving was to be thankful for the things I did have and Christmas was Jesus' birthday, but that wasn't enough to lift my spirits. I just could not find the joy of the holidays within my soul. No matter how hard I tried, all I could see was darkness.

When I got older and once again fell into the hole, the holidays became overwhelming and depressing. Having more responsibilities as an adult, such as paying bills, buying gifts and facing family, was to much too handle. Especially when my insides were twisted with over flowing emotions. I couldn't make simple decisions about my life, let alone decide on a gift.

The little things about the holidays, like watching my nieces and nephews opening gifts, couldn't even shine a light into my darkness. I tried to get in the spirit, but being unable to find even a glimpse of joy made me more depressed. How could I be thankful when my life was dark and sad? How could I praise Jesus' birth when God let me suffer so badly? No one seemed to understand why I couldn't be happy, and that made me feel as if I were all alone.

See, when you're suffering from mental illness, nothing seems the same. Things that once made you happy no longer shine light into your soul. Knowing you can't shake the darkness to just enjoy one special day only deepens your depression. You want to laugh and smile like everyone else, but no matter how hard you try you can't.

It took me a while to find the happiness within the holidays. First, I had to find the right medication to ease the symptoms of my illness. Then, I had to go to therapy and learn to change my way of thinking. Next, I had to fight to reach for recovery. Finally, I had to let God into my life and into the celebration of the holidays.

Now that I have reached recovery and found God, the holidays glow with magic. When I get down around the holidays, I remind myself God is with me and I have so much to be grateful for. Finding the joy within the holidays keeps me within the light.

Leave your ideas for another blog post and your experience in the comments. I would love to hear from you.